Lucky

Do you ever have a moment when you realize how lucky you are? Well, I did just the other day.

I live in a unique building on our campus. It's composed of three wings - the north and south wing are dorms and the middle wing is apartments. I live in the middle wing and everything is completely enclosed. Our campus is kept impeccably clean. You rarely see people cleaning - it's sorta like there's Ooompa Loompas or something wandering around. The hallway in front of my front door is usually pretty messy in the afternoon - those 'red cups,' crumpled homework, and miscellaneous junk food wrappers are strewn across the floor. When I leave in the morning though the floor is clear and the carpet is vacuumed neatly in one direction. My apartment is the first apartment in the hallway so I can usually hear whoever it is start to vacuum in the morning when I get ready, but by the time I leave for class they've magically disappeared.

On the days I actually do sleep in my own room and of those days which I do actually get up and go to class (I'll speak more on that in a bit...), I usually leave with enough time to get to class. The other morning I was really late; apparently so were the hallway cleaning Oompa Loompas. There was a woman vacuuming the hallway very fervently with her head down. When I opened my door she looked up, smiled, and said Good morning to me (which I think they're like required to do or something based on some chauvinistic rule our school may have). She looked me straight in the eye and my world literally froze - she was me. Now it wasn't an ACTUAL sci-fi moment; she was Mexican and I was Caucasian, she was wearing a uniform and I was wearing a baby doll dress, she was carrying a backpack vacuum and I was carrying a backpack filled with textbooks and papers. But this girl was easily 19 or 20...just like me.

Anyhow, it all made me realize so much. How lucky am I - how lucky are each of us in our own unique way? I am going to a University that tuition alone for just one year could bring water to a third world country. I own more than 12 pairs of jeans , 20 dresses, too many shirts and too many shoes and gallons of perfume - when am I ever going to actually wear all that crap? I have my own laptop, my own cell phone, my own mp3 player, my own digital camera - none of which do I think twice about the batteries/bills/insurance. And these are just material things that I'm blessed with. I'm blessed with an amazing family and a girlfriend who loves me so much. Now I don't know jack about the girl in the hallway; for all I know, she could vacuum college dorm rooms as a hobby and actually take in 120K a year on her own. But it was the principle of the whole thing - there are people out there who don't have anything close to what I have.

That was just the start of it all.

Let's rewind just a tiny bit and let me give you some background on how my semester has been so far. First half before spring break was pretty decent - I skipped a few classes here and there; had a rough patch with one assignment. After spring break I pretty much STOPPED going to class. I came up with countless excuses like I had caught mono from K or I was throwing up or I over-slept. Basically though I just slept all the time - missing classes, work, and appointments. The only real explanation I have is that I had been off my meds for a bit and my depression had kicked in and I just wanted to "sleep life away," if that makes sense. Sometimes I would sleep in K's room which is closer to campus which I had hoped would motivate me to get going in the morning. That plan failed. Sleeping in my own room was just disaster because I would obviously just sleep in.

Well, this past Wednesday I skipped class as usual. I missed a test as I had done before in this class and later in the day went out and gallivanted with K (while missing work). Today I decided to actually GO to class. The teacher sorta just stared me down as I walked in and spoke to me in front of the whole class. In so many words she told me she was kicking me out of her class. I wanted to cry. However, she said I might have one last chance and if I staid in class today she'd talk to the department head about what had become my 'case.' Believe you me I staid and I went to my next class.

Basically, with all this I've realized I take so much for granted. I play so many people for fools and I always take the easy way out. I'm always making excuses. I think I finally realized I'm in the real world. I'm going to be going to a very 'harsh' and 'real' country in a couple months and if I don't shape up now, who knows what they'll do to me there. I can't fix the past - what's done is done. However I am going to make things right with my teachers, work, and my friends. This time I'm going to tell them the truth and make no excuses. If there is no explanation for my actions, I'll tell them so and suffer the consequences. I have to start acting my age. I want to turn 20 and actually be an adult. I also realized I spend way too much time with K. That has got to change. I don't know if I'm going to break up with her, I don't know if she's 'the one,' I don't know a lot of things - my feelings change everyday which to me sorta says I'm not sure. My mother who is my best friend always told me when you're not sure don't do it. For now, I'll just go day by day - I won't break any hearts; I won't buy any wedding dresses.

Lastly K and I got to meet Julie Andrews tonight. I asked Julie what her favorite piece of advice was. I will leave you with that this evening to ponder, as it will be what I am pondering as I slumber. Julie's words of advice? "When in doubt - stand still."

me


Positive Thought of the Day: my past no longer defines me; it is a part of me as is my future - the only thing that defines me is what I make of the now...I realize this now