The Ashes of Something Pretty

The following in bold originally appeared yesterday in my traveling/study abroad blog which can be found on my user profile; it's titled "Oh! The Places You'll go..."

I really wanted to share this excerpt with this group of readers though because THIS blog here really has a lot more to do with my emotions than my travel blog does. You will come in reading at the point where I'm speaking about my semester break in the oblast of Perm in Russia; I am meeting extended family for the first time.

The next day was a really important day for me. We all woke up early and Katia and Olga and I waited downstairs for some friends of Anna’s to come pick me up – they would be taking me to Kudymkar. Kudymkar is the town where the orphanage Michael was adopted from is located. It was a three hour drive and we finally arrived around 11 o’clock in the morning. I met Dr. Alex who showed us around the facilities. We only stayed for about 45 minutes, which honestly made me feel really bad because I wanted to talk to them and tell them why I wanted to be there but my Russian language skills are just so bad. I was so thankful that Anna’s friends drove me three hours only to drive me back three more hours 45 minutes later. But going back a bit when Dr. Alex showed us around it was really hard for me. I can’t imagine how hard it is for potential parents to come to this place only to be turned around because of some paperwork mistake or government holdup. We first went into the three year olds room. Honestly, I had a very naïve vision of what an orphanage was like. Granted there probably are orphanages that aren’t in such good condition but the orphanage at Kudymkar is so wonderful. The children there are being taken care of so well. When Dr. Alex opened the door to the 3 years olds’ room they all smiled and greeted us. However, it still broke my heart. I walked in that room thinking “I can do this – I want to adopt children someday but I know I can’t save the world.” Thirty seconds later as I was walking out I was looking this little girl (who ironically looked exactly like she could be related to my cousin Michael) with tiny glasses in the eye and all my mind could come up with was “Why can’t I save them all?” I was so distraught. We next went to the 1s and 2s. They were just as beautiful and wonderful and I wanted just as much to pick every one of them up and take them home with me. Finally we walked into the babies’ room. There were about 5 of them in different play pens all giggling (or having gas) and I finally couldn’t stay much longer. I wanted to cry but I did not. The following day I felt so sad, almost like a part of me was empty on the inside. I called my Mom and just bawled and she said maybe it was because I had been at Kudymkar. I think so too. I am so glad I went to the orphanage though – I learned so much about myself.

I learned that I was very naïve – not all orphanages are terrible awful places. Kudymkar showed me that maybe I was wrong about Russia; do they really NEED social work? I mean ya, every country needs social services in some way, shape or form but do they need it in the way I was thinking it? I guess what I realized is that the whole world can’t be America. That’s why the world is the way it is, every culture is different and we all thrive because of these differences. It may sound strange to say that we thrive because there are orphans in Russia but what I mean is that the way Russia chooses to take care of their citizens in need reflects their culture and society and that helps us thrive in America as we learn from their society’s successes and mistakes. Similarly, Russia thrives as they learn from American society’s successes and mistakes. Did that make sense? No? It did to me…read it again.

I mean really, this is such a revelation to me. I think going to South Africa now is going to be a totally different experience for me now because I was going with the intention that “This is a country that is in need and if I go there I can save them all.” Ya, Rachel, maybe you can save the world but you’re not going to succeed if you try to do it alone and try to change the world. When I go to South Africa and even in work, grad school, and beyond – I need to reach out to people and be like “Hey, let’s work together…I can’t take ALL the credit for saving the world.” If I don’t, I’m never going to make an impact because ONE person’s biased ideas are pretty useless; a spectrum of ideas from different people is priceless. I also need to respect their society and whatever society I’m working with; I can’t be like “Uh, hey guys, WE do it this way so you should too.” Changing something isn’t necessarily good; making it better the way it is, is. Are you getting all of this? Maybe you should take notes.

I also realized that my Dad not being around still really bothers me BUT at the same time, I am so thankful for the people who do love me. (WHOA…heavy stuff; feel free to skip ahead. This is me sharing my revelations though.) This is something I’ve sort of just realized now as I write this, reflecting back on the experience (i.e. it didn’t hit me right then at Kudymkar). I am angry at my Dad because in a sense he is like all these parents who chose to give up their kids. Ok, maybe that’s not the fairest assumption – maybe some of these babies were teen pregnancies or the nth pregnancy and were ‘given up’ so they could have a better life. But in general seeing those kids made me think “How could you not want something so wonderful?” I’m mad at my father for not ‘wanting’ me. I think it will always bother me a little but each day it does less and less. I’ve realized his absence may have affected me but doesn’t define me. What’s even more important is that I have so many wonderful and amazing people who do love me. I have my animals who love me unconditionally. I have my sorority sisters who love me for who I am and accept me; they are each so wonderful and even though they are halfway across the world right now I know they are still there supporting me, and I them. I have a girlfriend who chooses to love me and that means the world to me. (Btw…Equality is Great, Vote No on 8 ). I have my family who is the best family in the world. I HONESTLY don’t know any family that is closer (except maybe like, the Brady Bunch…but they’re like, creepy…and not real) and who would do anything for one another. Plus we are like cool and funny and…ya, don’t you wish your family was hot like mine? (Elder readers, that was a reference to a song lyric…you might want to look it up.) I have my Mom who is my best friend who loves me more than anything and I couldn’t be more thankful for everything she does for me. And most of all, I have God who will love me no matter what.

I learned a countless amount at Kudymkar that day, but the last one I will share with you is that it affirmed the notion that I want to adopt children some day. The biggest difference now though is I don’t want to adopt children to save them or change them, but simply to love them. Adopting a child isn’t going to get you brownie points with the big guy upstairs and you certainly shouldn’t do it with the intention of making them your little project you can now live through vicariously. If I’m going to adopt a child, it’s going to be because I have so much love that I want to share and I’m going to share it with someone who might need a little more than others.

Btw (By the way ….come on, get with it people), I’m not typing all this to preach to the choir or campaign for anything (Except maybe No on 8..Yay!). I’m not typing this so you all will be like ooh she’s smart. Frankly I maintain the notion that all of you reading this already knew ALL of this and were just waiting for me to learn this on my own. But ya, just a disclaimer ::waves white flag::

So ya...any thoughts? I feel like I'm learning so much about myself here in Russia. I've learned that I love K so much and that now - this moment, is what really matters. If I worry to much about the future or dwell on what happened in the past, I'm going to drive myself into a rut. That was probably the wrong word but I knew what I meant. Maybe we're meant to be together, maybe we're not - only He knows. What I know is that I love her now and I want to be the best companion, lover, and friend she has (That sounds weird...not like she has other lovers or like I want to top her other friends...oh well, my blog-I know what I mean).

I've also learned that just in general I have to stop dwelling on the future so much. I have to be concerned about the now. If I don't it's going to pass right by me. Granted I need to plan ahead and be organized but if ALL I worry about is the future then all the amazing things happening now are going to be wasted.

I think the most important thing I've learned is that I'm ok with not being perfect. Sounds pretty obvious, right? Well reader, if you knew me you'd know that ever since my father left I've been trying to compensate by being a perfect person so it'll make him want me and come back. But you know what - he's not going to come back and he loves me, he just doesnt know how to show it. I have to live with that. I can't try to fix him by fixing myself. Everyone has flaws but that is the essence of our diversity; my flaws make me who I am and I have to learn to embrace them. Slowly but surely, I am doing so.

This is all best summed up I feel by the lyrics of my two favorite song - Here is "Something Pretty" by Patrick Park:

Here I am, where I’ve been
I’ve walked a hundred miles in tobacco skin,
And my clothes are worn & gritty.
And I know ugliness,
Now show me something pretty.
I was a dumb punk kid with nothing to lose
And too much weight for walking shoes.
I could have died from being boring.
As for loneliness,
She greets me every morning.

At the most I’m a glare,
I’m the hopeless son who’s hardly there.
I’m the open sign that’s always busted.
I’m the friend you need, but can’t be trusted.


And here is Ashes by Embrace

Verse 1
I've waited, and given the chance again,
I'd do it all the same, but either way
I'm always outplayed, up on your down days
I left it the right way, to start again



Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, just look how long I've agreed
Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, just look how long I've agreed



Verse 2
Out of place, like a gem on a coalface
Lost on the right way, it's all the same
'Cause I've had my hopes raised, riding the wrong waves
Scared when you felt safe to start again


Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, just look how wrong I could be
Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, you blew me away

Awaaaay
I sink like a stone, I lost my control

Both songs just remind me that ya..crappy ass stuff can happen to you. You can even be at rock bottom (sink like a stone...lose your control). But no matter how bad things get they can always get better. I've learned this lesson many a time, I just think I tend to forget it every once in a while. I am going to make the most of the present, embrace myself, and love every minute of it. Look out world, here I come... :)

me

Positive Thought of the Day: I had Subway today...in Russia. It was like a tasty bit of home between two slices of bread :p

да да!

So I'm in Russia. Yes...very far. Very cold. Having the f*****g time of my life. I probably won't be blogging for a while. If I do it will be very infrequent.

Just a few things. I got here and had MAJOR culture shock. There was this boy I thought I liked and I was just like WHAT??? Needless to say I scared him off by being so weird about it but now we're cool. Aside from that, I am severely confused about my sexuality and questioning it heavily.

Apparently K wants to date my sorority sister. Ugh..whatever. I'm so over it.

All together, I've realized so many things about myself being here and I am so much more thankful for the world we live in. I hope anyone who actually reads this checks back in a few weeks for my update because there's lots I want to share about what I've learned.

Hope you and your families and loved ones are all doing well. Much love,

me

Lucky

Do you ever have a moment when you realize how lucky you are? Well, I did just the other day.

I live in a unique building on our campus. It's composed of three wings - the north and south wing are dorms and the middle wing is apartments. I live in the middle wing and everything is completely enclosed. Our campus is kept impeccably clean. You rarely see people cleaning - it's sorta like there's Ooompa Loompas or something wandering around. The hallway in front of my front door is usually pretty messy in the afternoon - those 'red cups,' crumpled homework, and miscellaneous junk food wrappers are strewn across the floor. When I leave in the morning though the floor is clear and the carpet is vacuumed neatly in one direction. My apartment is the first apartment in the hallway so I can usually hear whoever it is start to vacuum in the morning when I get ready, but by the time I leave for class they've magically disappeared.

On the days I actually do sleep in my own room and of those days which I do actually get up and go to class (I'll speak more on that in a bit...), I usually leave with enough time to get to class. The other morning I was really late; apparently so were the hallway cleaning Oompa Loompas. There was a woman vacuuming the hallway very fervently with her head down. When I opened my door she looked up, smiled, and said Good morning to me (which I think they're like required to do or something based on some chauvinistic rule our school may have). She looked me straight in the eye and my world literally froze - she was me. Now it wasn't an ACTUAL sci-fi moment; she was Mexican and I was Caucasian, she was wearing a uniform and I was wearing a baby doll dress, she was carrying a backpack vacuum and I was carrying a backpack filled with textbooks and papers. But this girl was easily 19 or 20...just like me.

Anyhow, it all made me realize so much. How lucky am I - how lucky are each of us in our own unique way? I am going to a University that tuition alone for just one year could bring water to a third world country. I own more than 12 pairs of jeans , 20 dresses, too many shirts and too many shoes and gallons of perfume - when am I ever going to actually wear all that crap? I have my own laptop, my own cell phone, my own mp3 player, my own digital camera - none of which do I think twice about the batteries/bills/insurance. And these are just material things that I'm blessed with. I'm blessed with an amazing family and a girlfriend who loves me so much. Now I don't know jack about the girl in the hallway; for all I know, she could vacuum college dorm rooms as a hobby and actually take in 120K a year on her own. But it was the principle of the whole thing - there are people out there who don't have anything close to what I have.

That was just the start of it all.

Let's rewind just a tiny bit and let me give you some background on how my semester has been so far. First half before spring break was pretty decent - I skipped a few classes here and there; had a rough patch with one assignment. After spring break I pretty much STOPPED going to class. I came up with countless excuses like I had caught mono from K or I was throwing up or I over-slept. Basically though I just slept all the time - missing classes, work, and appointments. The only real explanation I have is that I had been off my meds for a bit and my depression had kicked in and I just wanted to "sleep life away," if that makes sense. Sometimes I would sleep in K's room which is closer to campus which I had hoped would motivate me to get going in the morning. That plan failed. Sleeping in my own room was just disaster because I would obviously just sleep in.

Well, this past Wednesday I skipped class as usual. I missed a test as I had done before in this class and later in the day went out and gallivanted with K (while missing work). Today I decided to actually GO to class. The teacher sorta just stared me down as I walked in and spoke to me in front of the whole class. In so many words she told me she was kicking me out of her class. I wanted to cry. However, she said I might have one last chance and if I staid in class today she'd talk to the department head about what had become my 'case.' Believe you me I staid and I went to my next class.

Basically, with all this I've realized I take so much for granted. I play so many people for fools and I always take the easy way out. I'm always making excuses. I think I finally realized I'm in the real world. I'm going to be going to a very 'harsh' and 'real' country in a couple months and if I don't shape up now, who knows what they'll do to me there. I can't fix the past - what's done is done. However I am going to make things right with my teachers, work, and my friends. This time I'm going to tell them the truth and make no excuses. If there is no explanation for my actions, I'll tell them so and suffer the consequences. I have to start acting my age. I want to turn 20 and actually be an adult. I also realized I spend way too much time with K. That has got to change. I don't know if I'm going to break up with her, I don't know if she's 'the one,' I don't know a lot of things - my feelings change everyday which to me sorta says I'm not sure. My mother who is my best friend always told me when you're not sure don't do it. For now, I'll just go day by day - I won't break any hearts; I won't buy any wedding dresses.

Lastly K and I got to meet Julie Andrews tonight. I asked Julie what her favorite piece of advice was. I will leave you with that this evening to ponder, as it will be what I am pondering as I slumber. Julie's words of advice? "When in doubt - stand still."

me


Positive Thought of the Day: my past no longer defines me; it is a part of me as is my future - the only thing that defines me is what I make of the now...I realize this now