Very few times in my life have I felt this helpless. I actually think the last time I felt like this, I was sitting on the cold tile floor of a padded room with my wrists bleeding pulling out my hair and asking God to end everything.
Now I'm sitting in a completely different setting. I'm not 20 pounds underweight, I'm not losing my hair, and my wrists aren't bleeding. It's quite the contrary - I'm sitting here eating some fatty mashed potatoes and fish sticks, my long hair is back in a headband, and my scars are all but gone.
The phone rings and it's K. Hearing her voice makes the tears stop. Why the tears you ask? Well, this is how it all started...
K is going out of the country in May so her doctor prescribed her this typhoid vaccine. The vaccine is a pill. She took it on Wednesday and since then she's had this feeling that it was sorta stuck in her throat. She's gotten shortness of breath, acid reflux, and chest pain. I finally convinced her to go to the clinic yesterday. We spent two hours there (not bad...last time we went for my bronchitis it was almost four) and they didn't do much. K called her mom who suggested she call her doctor at home. The doctor said either she go to the ER here (where she and I are at school), or go home and go to the gastroenterologist. Her parents opted for her to fly home.
I wanted to go. I had the money to go. I had no tests and quizzes - I could go. She wanted me to go. Her parents said no. They definitely don't approve of me ... but that's another story.
So here I am - helpless. I'm terrified the love of my life is never going to come back. I know that's ridiculously unrealistic but if you knew the story of my life you'd know that almost everyone I've ever truly loved has had to leave. That's what it felt like when we dropped K off at the airport today. I feel selfish for crying because this isn't about me. I know she's where she needs to be but I'm just so upset I can't be there for her. I need to really get a grip because I leave for Russia in 6 months to spend a semester there and if I can't even last a few days without K how am I going to last a semester?
I've never loved anyone like I've loved K. I can seriously see myself spending the rest of my life with her. I guess all I can do now is put things in the Lord's hands. I know not many or maybe even nobody will read this, but if you do and if you feel you can - could you just say a short prayer for K? It would mean the world to me
me
Positive Thought of the Day: K and I went to church together
2 comments:
Father God, I ask that you be with Clouded Grace and K tonight, though you know them as I don't, I know you will fill them with your Holy Spirit and let them feel peace from deep within. A peace that only you can give. Thank for you being the most wonderful God,by the blood of your son, I prayerfully ask that you heal K right now, take away any pain and discomfort she may be experiencing. Its only because of your immense grace that any of us stand here before you, and I appreciate all you have done for us. In your precious name, Amen.
hi there. :) what helps you normally when you feel like this? What ways can you two connect even though you aren't together???
deep deep breathe.
warm hearted gentle thoughts towards you!
Post a Comment