baby, be patient

"To really love a woman let her hold you till you know how she needs to be touched. You've gotta breathe her, really taste her, till you can feel her in your blood. Then, when you can see your unborn children in her eyes, you know you really love a woman." - Unknown (Well maybe it's known but I saw it on some woman's blog and it wasn't quoted)

I really like that quote, but I can't help but feel totally and utterly impatient. I don't even turn 20 for another 5 weeks. I'm still a teenager. But I've wanted children for as far back as I can remember. And I'm with K. And I love her. I'm in love with her. It's not infatuation or obsession or attraction - I've known those feelings before. I'm listening to this song right now by Avalon called "Testify to Love" and while the meaning is sorta different, I can't help but put it into any other words-I can testify to this love I have for K. I want to have her children. But alas the impatience - we've only been together 3 months.

First off though, you know how I know I love her? She doesn't 'make' me happy. Let me explain. I took this interpersonal comm studies class and my professor explained to the class that one of the number one reasons for divorce was that couples cited that their partner didn't 'make' them happy anymore. The thing is, it's not the other person's responsibility to make you happy. If anything, happiness should be a byproduct of the relationship. And that's what it's like for me and K. I'm happy on my own - I'm content with the life I lead and I like the individual I am. Being with K just makes me even happier.

I love her because we share the same dreams. I knew she was special when I was in her room for the very first time. I saw a picture of her brother who's adopted. Then I saw another picture of two other children who looked like her brother. I asked if they were her siblings also. She said no - they were 'her' kids. I was taken aback - she had kids already? Then she explained she sponsored two kids and it was her dream to someday go and live with them across the world. I was blown out of the water. I have dreamed of doing something like that for so long yet I'd never actually acted on it. (btw...if you want to hear something quasi related to this subject that's h-i-l-a-r-i-o-u-s, download Dane Cook's "15 cents" ...moving on). We talk frequently about the dreams we share and it's almost spooky how similar they are.

I love her because she inspires me to be a better person. I want to get into better shape and eat healthier and pray more and curse less and all kinds of other things. For example, lets first make a ridiculously long and over-personal story short -I used to be an addict to something very dangerous. I haven't given in to my addiction since I've been with K and I don't even think about it...it doesn't even tiptoe across my mind anymore. Part of that I've done on my own; part of that I've done with help from K.

I seriously want to tell everyone I meet that I am in love with this amazing woman. For K, this is her first everything - kiss, relationship, 'time,' etc...because of her faith she doesn't feel we should...well, for lack of a better word - 'do it.' Now, the average American sleeps with 11 people in their lifetime - let's just say I'm above average. On top of that, I've been in a handful of relationships. Either way, I've been with people (both men and women) who felt they weren't ready to take a certain step yet. The old me - the me that didn't have a clue who I was, who was afraid to be alone, who still let her Daddy issues bother her, who slept around, who was a major pessimist - she would've pushed K away. But now? I would wait forever for K. If she told me she'd spend the rest of her life with me but without sex I think I'd say yes (I say 'think' because I'm not actually in that situation and can't speak for myself then). There's still ONE thing I haven't done with a woman and K knows that and she says with that in mind and the fact that I respect her so much - she still considers me a 'gold star' in her eyes.

Soooooooooooooo...what's the problem you ask? Well, how can I feel this way? Is it because at such a young age I've already been around the block a countless amount of times, experiencing shit some 40 year olds are still clueless to? Now don't get me wrong - I'm not complaining; I think everyone bares their own cross and some are harder than others and some are easier than others but whatever the case we're given what we can handle. Basically, don't get in a huff thinking that I'm calling myself some hero for dealing with crap.

I don't seem to be making progress with this blog. Why don't I start just listing questions I have. Maybe something will start to make sense. People have high school sweet hearts - is it possible to have a college sweet heart? Will K and I really last? What if she doesn't even feel the same way - I think she does. :/ See, the thing is I really think things are going to last because, like the quote says, I can see my unborn child in her eyes. This is basically why I'm writing this blog tonight. I've been reading dozens of couples' TTC blogs and I have so much respect and admiration for these women. I realize most all of them have been together for a long time and only recently TTC'd (I don't know if I used that acronym correctly...so shoot me if I didn't). If anything, my biggest question that I have is this -

Why do I already feel so passionately about having children with K?

some sub-questions would be: did any of you couples ever feel like that when you were first starting out? is something wrong...am i doing something wrong? I'm so confused. Someone please help just for a sec.

me

Positive Thought of the Day: I bonded with my cousin and now I get to sleep :)