The Ashes of Something Pretty

The following in bold originally appeared yesterday in my traveling/study abroad blog which can be found on my user profile; it's titled "Oh! The Places You'll go..."

I really wanted to share this excerpt with this group of readers though because THIS blog here really has a lot more to do with my emotions than my travel blog does. You will come in reading at the point where I'm speaking about my semester break in the oblast of Perm in Russia; I am meeting extended family for the first time.

The next day was a really important day for me. We all woke up early and Katia and Olga and I waited downstairs for some friends of Anna’s to come pick me up – they would be taking me to Kudymkar. Kudymkar is the town where the orphanage Michael was adopted from is located. It was a three hour drive and we finally arrived around 11 o’clock in the morning. I met Dr. Alex who showed us around the facilities. We only stayed for about 45 minutes, which honestly made me feel really bad because I wanted to talk to them and tell them why I wanted to be there but my Russian language skills are just so bad. I was so thankful that Anna’s friends drove me three hours only to drive me back three more hours 45 minutes later. But going back a bit when Dr. Alex showed us around it was really hard for me. I can’t imagine how hard it is for potential parents to come to this place only to be turned around because of some paperwork mistake or government holdup. We first went into the three year olds room. Honestly, I had a very naïve vision of what an orphanage was like. Granted there probably are orphanages that aren’t in such good condition but the orphanage at Kudymkar is so wonderful. The children there are being taken care of so well. When Dr. Alex opened the door to the 3 years olds’ room they all smiled and greeted us. However, it still broke my heart. I walked in that room thinking “I can do this – I want to adopt children someday but I know I can’t save the world.” Thirty seconds later as I was walking out I was looking this little girl (who ironically looked exactly like she could be related to my cousin Michael) with tiny glasses in the eye and all my mind could come up with was “Why can’t I save them all?” I was so distraught. We next went to the 1s and 2s. They were just as beautiful and wonderful and I wanted just as much to pick every one of them up and take them home with me. Finally we walked into the babies’ room. There were about 5 of them in different play pens all giggling (or having gas) and I finally couldn’t stay much longer. I wanted to cry but I did not. The following day I felt so sad, almost like a part of me was empty on the inside. I called my Mom and just bawled and she said maybe it was because I had been at Kudymkar. I think so too. I am so glad I went to the orphanage though – I learned so much about myself.

I learned that I was very naïve – not all orphanages are terrible awful places. Kudymkar showed me that maybe I was wrong about Russia; do they really NEED social work? I mean ya, every country needs social services in some way, shape or form but do they need it in the way I was thinking it? I guess what I realized is that the whole world can’t be America. That’s why the world is the way it is, every culture is different and we all thrive because of these differences. It may sound strange to say that we thrive because there are orphans in Russia but what I mean is that the way Russia chooses to take care of their citizens in need reflects their culture and society and that helps us thrive in America as we learn from their society’s successes and mistakes. Similarly, Russia thrives as they learn from American society’s successes and mistakes. Did that make sense? No? It did to me…read it again.

I mean really, this is such a revelation to me. I think going to South Africa now is going to be a totally different experience for me now because I was going with the intention that “This is a country that is in need and if I go there I can save them all.” Ya, Rachel, maybe you can save the world but you’re not going to succeed if you try to do it alone and try to change the world. When I go to South Africa and even in work, grad school, and beyond – I need to reach out to people and be like “Hey, let’s work together…I can’t take ALL the credit for saving the world.” If I don’t, I’m never going to make an impact because ONE person’s biased ideas are pretty useless; a spectrum of ideas from different people is priceless. I also need to respect their society and whatever society I’m working with; I can’t be like “Uh, hey guys, WE do it this way so you should too.” Changing something isn’t necessarily good; making it better the way it is, is. Are you getting all of this? Maybe you should take notes.

I also realized that my Dad not being around still really bothers me BUT at the same time, I am so thankful for the people who do love me. (WHOA…heavy stuff; feel free to skip ahead. This is me sharing my revelations though.) This is something I’ve sort of just realized now as I write this, reflecting back on the experience (i.e. it didn’t hit me right then at Kudymkar). I am angry at my Dad because in a sense he is like all these parents who chose to give up their kids. Ok, maybe that’s not the fairest assumption – maybe some of these babies were teen pregnancies or the nth pregnancy and were ‘given up’ so they could have a better life. But in general seeing those kids made me think “How could you not want something so wonderful?” I’m mad at my father for not ‘wanting’ me. I think it will always bother me a little but each day it does less and less. I’ve realized his absence may have affected me but doesn’t define me. What’s even more important is that I have so many wonderful and amazing people who do love me. I have my animals who love me unconditionally. I have my sorority sisters who love me for who I am and accept me; they are each so wonderful and even though they are halfway across the world right now I know they are still there supporting me, and I them. I have a girlfriend who chooses to love me and that means the world to me. (Btw…Equality is Great, Vote No on 8 ). I have my family who is the best family in the world. I HONESTLY don’t know any family that is closer (except maybe like, the Brady Bunch…but they’re like, creepy…and not real) and who would do anything for one another. Plus we are like cool and funny and…ya, don’t you wish your family was hot like mine? (Elder readers, that was a reference to a song lyric…you might want to look it up.) I have my Mom who is my best friend who loves me more than anything and I couldn’t be more thankful for everything she does for me. And most of all, I have God who will love me no matter what.

I learned a countless amount at Kudymkar that day, but the last one I will share with you is that it affirmed the notion that I want to adopt children some day. The biggest difference now though is I don’t want to adopt children to save them or change them, but simply to love them. Adopting a child isn’t going to get you brownie points with the big guy upstairs and you certainly shouldn’t do it with the intention of making them your little project you can now live through vicariously. If I’m going to adopt a child, it’s going to be because I have so much love that I want to share and I’m going to share it with someone who might need a little more than others.

Btw (By the way ….come on, get with it people), I’m not typing all this to preach to the choir or campaign for anything (Except maybe No on 8..Yay!). I’m not typing this so you all will be like ooh she’s smart. Frankly I maintain the notion that all of you reading this already knew ALL of this and were just waiting for me to learn this on my own. But ya, just a disclaimer ::waves white flag::

So ya...any thoughts? I feel like I'm learning so much about myself here in Russia. I've learned that I love K so much and that now - this moment, is what really matters. If I worry to much about the future or dwell on what happened in the past, I'm going to drive myself into a rut. That was probably the wrong word but I knew what I meant. Maybe we're meant to be together, maybe we're not - only He knows. What I know is that I love her now and I want to be the best companion, lover, and friend she has (That sounds weird...not like she has other lovers or like I want to top her other friends...oh well, my blog-I know what I mean).

I've also learned that just in general I have to stop dwelling on the future so much. I have to be concerned about the now. If I don't it's going to pass right by me. Granted I need to plan ahead and be organized but if ALL I worry about is the future then all the amazing things happening now are going to be wasted.

I think the most important thing I've learned is that I'm ok with not being perfect. Sounds pretty obvious, right? Well reader, if you knew me you'd know that ever since my father left I've been trying to compensate by being a perfect person so it'll make him want me and come back. But you know what - he's not going to come back and he loves me, he just doesnt know how to show it. I have to live with that. I can't try to fix him by fixing myself. Everyone has flaws but that is the essence of our diversity; my flaws make me who I am and I have to learn to embrace them. Slowly but surely, I am doing so.

This is all best summed up I feel by the lyrics of my two favorite song - Here is "Something Pretty" by Patrick Park:

Here I am, where I’ve been
I’ve walked a hundred miles in tobacco skin,
And my clothes are worn & gritty.
And I know ugliness,
Now show me something pretty.
I was a dumb punk kid with nothing to lose
And too much weight for walking shoes.
I could have died from being boring.
As for loneliness,
She greets me every morning.

At the most I’m a glare,
I’m the hopeless son who’s hardly there.
I’m the open sign that’s always busted.
I’m the friend you need, but can’t be trusted.


And here is Ashes by Embrace

Verse 1
I've waited, and given the chance again,
I'd do it all the same, but either way
I'm always outplayed, up on your down days
I left it the right way, to start again



Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, just look how long I've agreed
Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, just look how long I've agreed



Verse 2
Out of place, like a gem on a coalface
Lost on the right way, it's all the same
'Cause I've had my hopes raised, riding the wrong waves
Scared when you felt safe to start again


Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, just look how wrong I could be
Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, you blew me away

Awaaaay
I sink like a stone, I lost my control

Both songs just remind me that ya..crappy ass stuff can happen to you. You can even be at rock bottom (sink like a stone...lose your control). But no matter how bad things get they can always get better. I've learned this lesson many a time, I just think I tend to forget it every once in a while. I am going to make the most of the present, embrace myself, and love every minute of it. Look out world, here I come... :)

me

Positive Thought of the Day: I had Subway today...in Russia. It was like a tasty bit of home between two slices of bread :p

Mood Swings

It was so long ago but I never summed up...

My New England Adventure
After my last post on my trip, the following took place:

Tuesday: Walked along the coast of RI, picked up my cousin from daycare, relaxed

Wednesday: Visited "The Breakers" mansion - the Vanderbilt family summer home, went shopping, saw "Penelope"

Thursday: Went to a few bookstores, bought the new 'Curve' with Dani on the cover, moved my stuff from one cousin's house to another, met my other cousin at her 'home', went out to dinner at this fancy chop suey place and caught chicken on my head that was flown at me, bonded with my cousin and watched 'Jacob'...boring movie

Friday: Did Ukranian egg dying and had dinner with the whole family

Saturday: Visited NYC! Saw the empire state building, fashion avenue, the statue of liberty, ellis island, and time square - ate lunch at this fancy rib place

Sunday: Easter...had lunch with the family then flew home

The Girlfriend
Talk about serious drama. Have you ever really, really liked someone but just not 'felt it' anymore? I don't even get why I'm feeling this way; it's like I'm having a major mood swing - one second I want to have her babies and the next I just want to be friends. I'm too much of a coward though to tell her. I sorta kind of tried breaking up with her but it just turned into us fighting then talking then going to our own rooms then fighting then talking then going to our own rooms then crying then fooling around then pretending everything was ok. My therapist thinks it's because I was off my meds and I'm having mood swings; my academic adviser thinks I should end it; my mom thinks I'm too young for love in the first place...any thoughts?


Practically Perfect in Every Way
So my worship of false idols pretty much goes like this - Audrey Hepburn, Julie Andrews, all other humans. Seeing as I won't get to meet my ultimate idol...I literally cried when I found out Julie Andrews would be in the area on the 8th. K and I skipped school to see her. However - K and I fought about when to get there and we ended up getting there too late. They cut the line off about 10 people before us. I was devastated. K is trying to make it up to me by taking me to another of Julie's book signings in Beverly Hills next Friday. Let's hope this time I get to actually meet her and tell her how much Mary Poppins impacted my fragile childhood.


Clothesline
So there's a group on our campus called CARES - creating a rape-free environment for students. Periodically they bring this event to campus called "clothesline" in which literal clotheslines are set up around the campus and hundreds of shirts are hung up. Each shirt is unique as people have made them to reflect their experiences. Each color shirt means something:

White -- Women who have been murdered as a result of sexual or domestic violence.
Red, pink or orange -- Women who have been raped or sexually assaulted
Yellow or beige -- Women who have been battered
Blue or green -- Women survivors of incest or child sexual abuse
Purple or lavender -- Women attacked because they were or were thought to be lesbian

I used to work with CARES every once in a great while last semester so I decided to make a shirt. I picked a shirt (if you're wondering...I'm a blue) and decorated it. I was so proud when I was finished and felt like i had brought a tiny bit more of closure to my situation. I know there are things I will never forget - things that will always just totally suck, but attempting to bring closure to them helps. Anyhow, I couldn't get a picture of it up because it had to dry so I'll describe it to you: In blue glitter glue I wrote in cursive "They said I was too young to remember." Then underneath in black sharpie in all messy capital letters I wrote "But I will never forget what you did to me." I was very proud of myself.

In other news, my mom was in town for a while. I can honestly say with my whole heart my mom is my best friend. I love when she comes to visit. She is the most amazing and strongest woman I know. I wouldn't be alive today without her. Everyone tell your Mom(s) and/or Dad(s) or whoevers that you love them - let's be thankful for the precious people in our lives today!

me

Positive Thought of the Day: I'm starting to get my life back in order - homework is shaping up, I'm working out more, eating healthier, and working on my emotions :)

baby, be patient

"To really love a woman let her hold you till you know how she needs to be touched. You've gotta breathe her, really taste her, till you can feel her in your blood. Then, when you can see your unborn children in her eyes, you know you really love a woman." - Unknown (Well maybe it's known but I saw it on some woman's blog and it wasn't quoted)

I really like that quote, but I can't help but feel totally and utterly impatient. I don't even turn 20 for another 5 weeks. I'm still a teenager. But I've wanted children for as far back as I can remember. And I'm with K. And I love her. I'm in love with her. It's not infatuation or obsession or attraction - I've known those feelings before. I'm listening to this song right now by Avalon called "Testify to Love" and while the meaning is sorta different, I can't help but put it into any other words-I can testify to this love I have for K. I want to have her children. But alas the impatience - we've only been together 3 months.

First off though, you know how I know I love her? She doesn't 'make' me happy. Let me explain. I took this interpersonal comm studies class and my professor explained to the class that one of the number one reasons for divorce was that couples cited that their partner didn't 'make' them happy anymore. The thing is, it's not the other person's responsibility to make you happy. If anything, happiness should be a byproduct of the relationship. And that's what it's like for me and K. I'm happy on my own - I'm content with the life I lead and I like the individual I am. Being with K just makes me even happier.

I love her because we share the same dreams. I knew she was special when I was in her room for the very first time. I saw a picture of her brother who's adopted. Then I saw another picture of two other children who looked like her brother. I asked if they were her siblings also. She said no - they were 'her' kids. I was taken aback - she had kids already? Then she explained she sponsored two kids and it was her dream to someday go and live with them across the world. I was blown out of the water. I have dreamed of doing something like that for so long yet I'd never actually acted on it. (btw...if you want to hear something quasi related to this subject that's h-i-l-a-r-i-o-u-s, download Dane Cook's "15 cents" ...moving on). We talk frequently about the dreams we share and it's almost spooky how similar they are.

I love her because she inspires me to be a better person. I want to get into better shape and eat healthier and pray more and curse less and all kinds of other things. For example, lets first make a ridiculously long and over-personal story short -I used to be an addict to something very dangerous. I haven't given in to my addiction since I've been with K and I don't even think about it...it doesn't even tiptoe across my mind anymore. Part of that I've done on my own; part of that I've done with help from K.

I seriously want to tell everyone I meet that I am in love with this amazing woman. For K, this is her first everything - kiss, relationship, 'time,' etc...because of her faith she doesn't feel we should...well, for lack of a better word - 'do it.' Now, the average American sleeps with 11 people in their lifetime - let's just say I'm above average. On top of that, I've been in a handful of relationships. Either way, I've been with people (both men and women) who felt they weren't ready to take a certain step yet. The old me - the me that didn't have a clue who I was, who was afraid to be alone, who still let her Daddy issues bother her, who slept around, who was a major pessimist - she would've pushed K away. But now? I would wait forever for K. If she told me she'd spend the rest of her life with me but without sex I think I'd say yes (I say 'think' because I'm not actually in that situation and can't speak for myself then). There's still ONE thing I haven't done with a woman and K knows that and she says with that in mind and the fact that I respect her so much - she still considers me a 'gold star' in her eyes.

Soooooooooooooo...what's the problem you ask? Well, how can I feel this way? Is it because at such a young age I've already been around the block a countless amount of times, experiencing shit some 40 year olds are still clueless to? Now don't get me wrong - I'm not complaining; I think everyone bares their own cross and some are harder than others and some are easier than others but whatever the case we're given what we can handle. Basically, don't get in a huff thinking that I'm calling myself some hero for dealing with crap.

I don't seem to be making progress with this blog. Why don't I start just listing questions I have. Maybe something will start to make sense. People have high school sweet hearts - is it possible to have a college sweet heart? Will K and I really last? What if she doesn't even feel the same way - I think she does. :/ See, the thing is I really think things are going to last because, like the quote says, I can see my unborn child in her eyes. This is basically why I'm writing this blog tonight. I've been reading dozens of couples' TTC blogs and I have so much respect and admiration for these women. I realize most all of them have been together for a long time and only recently TTC'd (I don't know if I used that acronym correctly...so shoot me if I didn't). If anything, my biggest question that I have is this -

Why do I already feel so passionately about having children with K?

some sub-questions would be: did any of you couples ever feel like that when you were first starting out? is something wrong...am i doing something wrong? I'm so confused. Someone please help just for a sec.

me

Positive Thought of the Day: I bonded with my cousin and now I get to sleep :)

what's the difference...

what's the difference...

between being annoyed...

and falling out of love???

:/