Soapboxes, Snow, and Skivvies

So I just spent an hour writing a blog and I decided I didn't like it. So, I erased it. Hopefully you'll like this.

Currently I am listening to the playlist I made for K and myself to listen to when we are finally in each others arms again.

Mmmmyaa....So most people think from A to B; I think from A to Z and assume you understand what happened to B through Y. I just had an A to Z moment and I'm going to attempt to explain B through Y.
A: Playlist about me and K...
Z: ...I don't need to defend myself.
B through Y(a.k.a. the thought process that rapidly went on in my head): This blog has concentrated a great deal on the relationship between K and myself. Some may agree, some may not, with all the decisions and statements I have made. Part of me wants to lay things out for everyone and explain what went on and what's going on so people know where we're at now. I want to explain my flips and flops in emotion and my decisions and attempt to explain K's side of the story. I want to defend myself and our story. But I realized that if I truly love K and have faith in our love then that love will defend itself. It is ready to take your questions but it's not going to get up on a soap box and disclaim itself just because it's afraid of what you've thought of it for the past 10 months. So if I'm going to tell you everything about me and K just for the sake of making me feel better about my image, then too bad.

I've been dreaming a lot lately about babies. And this time its good dreams. Whenever I used to dream about babies before, I would give birth to them and then they would either disappear or die. Now my dreams are of me getting pregnant or having babies (usually with K). I wonder what that means - I'm definitely not ready to have kids. I know I want to some day, just not right now.

I have two weeks left in Russia. It's finally snowing. I've learned a priceless amount about myself while here; it's an expereience I wouldn't trade for anything...here's a picture (not a very good one) of me in my first snowfall writing my name in cyrillic



















When I get home I can't wait to SHOWER and get all the hard water grime off of me. I can do that in California. In CA K is taking me to see "W*cked" - SO excited! I'll get to go to D*sneyland also ::glorious angels singing. But when I finally get to good 'ol HOME home in Hawaii...I am getting out of the car, petting my 5 handicapped felines, hugging my grandma, then sticking my head under the tap and drinking CLEAN water, then stripping down to my skivvies and jumping in the pool. I'll get out and remain in my undies because it will be so overwhelmingly hot and only then will people receive their hello's and presents. My mom will have already received her hug in the car where she will hopefully be greeting me with malasadas (Portuguese donuts) and passion orange juice. ::sigh:: oh Hawaii...

My next blog will probably be on my travelsofrw site so if you're just DYING to keep up with my fast paced young swingin life - check there in a few. If not, see you in a bit! Take care all

me

Positive Thought of the Day: I bought myself two presents today - a sleeping beauty matrioshka (those dolls inside of one another) and a lady bug fabrege (not REAL) egg ...yay

Just Read...Just Wait...

I was inspired to write this after a fellow (amazing) blogger posted something very close to her own heart. This, is equally close to mine...


First though, read this poem by Wistawa Szymborska ( Polish poet who won the 1996 Nobel Prize for literature).

It could have happened

It had to happen

It happened earlier. Later

Nearer. Farther off

It happened, but not to you.

You were saved because you were the first.

You were saved because you were the last.

Alone. With others.

On the right. The left.

Because it was raining. Because of the shade.

Because it was sunny.

You were in luck -- there was a forest.

You were in luck ­- there were no trees.

You were in luck ­- a rake, a hook, a beam, a brake,

a jamb, a turn, a quarter inch, an instant.

You were in luck -- just then a straw went floating by.

As a result, because, although, despite.

What would have happened if a hand, a foot,

within an inch, a hairsbreadth from

an unfortunate coincidence.

So you're here? Still dizzy from another dodge, close shave,

reprieve?

One hole in the net and you slipped through ?

I couldn't be more shocked or speechless.

Listen, how your heart pounds inside me.

That poem makes me think of a baby that was going to die but the mother realizes the child is supposed to be in her life and lets it live. It could very well have a totally different meaning but that's what it reminds me of. Now for what I wrote:

I travel great distances
only to unearth longer paths to travel
I learn countless subjects
only to discover - I know nothing
I wait what seems like forever
only to find I must continue to wait some more

But the distance travled or the subjects learned
don't matter much to me
What I wait for - day in and day out
is all I really see

I wait for you
because you give me patience
the patience to handle difficult times
I wait for you
because you give me strength
the strength that propels me to great heights
I wait for you
because you give me faith
the faith in all things good

Yet you do not come
No matter how long I wait
you are delayed, held back, kept behind
time passes

All I know
after all I've traveled,
and all I've learned,
and all I've waited,
is that I will continue to wait,
I will be patient until you arrive,
I will be strong knowing you are coming,
I have faith you'll make it here
even if I have to wait
just a little bit more.



(dedicated to my favorite blogger(I hope she knows who she is...she inspires me to wait))

Yes we can...can we?

I had a dream last night. I was being kept prisoner in my home and my street had turned into a concentration camp. I tried to escape to marry K, and as soon as I made it outside the gate, I was shot and killed.

I woke up to find yes on 8 back home in CA had a considerable margin; I still had hope because only 6% had reported. Right now we're at 91% and it doesn't look good. It looks like No on 8 is no more and it will pass.

I will never be able to understand the pain and suffering that took place in concentration camps - I will always be ignorant in that light. But as for the discrimination practiced in that time, just as it was practiced ages before with slavery and women's voting, and ages after with the civil rights movement, I'm beginning to think I know what it feels like.

Maybe I'm naive and I have no idea what those who were suppressed underwent. All I know is I'm living in an age now where I thought we were taking a step forward and now this probable yes on 8 is like taking 2 steps back.

Speaking with my Mom the other night, she told me she didn't care about the "choices" I've made. I asked her, in tears, if she really thought her only daughter had "chosen" to live like this? She responded that she had exposed me to a lot in life and because of what I'd seen and experienced, this is what I'd chosen; she didn't have a problem with it but she still felt the life I am living is a choice.

I just don't get it. We are in the 21st century. An African American was just elected president. Women are leading countries around the world. Interracial marriage barely gets a second look anymore. Why is it then in an time when so many things that were once backwards are now facing forwards, something so important is still so twisted?

Hope prevails though. Obama is in office; after 8 years of misery we are finally seeing the dawn of a new era. I think if we all believe that 'yes we can', then maybe, hopefully, in my lifetime, I'll be able to marry the one I love without having to give up something else (my home, my citizenship). Hopefully, our country will stop being so afraid.

me

Positive thought of the day:
Yes...we did