Soapboxes, Snow, and Skivvies

So I just spent an hour writing a blog and I decided I didn't like it. So, I erased it. Hopefully you'll like this.

Currently I am listening to the playlist I made for K and myself to listen to when we are finally in each others arms again.

Mmmmyaa....So most people think from A to B; I think from A to Z and assume you understand what happened to B through Y. I just had an A to Z moment and I'm going to attempt to explain B through Y.
A: Playlist about me and K...
Z: ...I don't need to defend myself.
B through Y(a.k.a. the thought process that rapidly went on in my head): This blog has concentrated a great deal on the relationship between K and myself. Some may agree, some may not, with all the decisions and statements I have made. Part of me wants to lay things out for everyone and explain what went on and what's going on so people know where we're at now. I want to explain my flips and flops in emotion and my decisions and attempt to explain K's side of the story. I want to defend myself and our story. But I realized that if I truly love K and have faith in our love then that love will defend itself. It is ready to take your questions but it's not going to get up on a soap box and disclaim itself just because it's afraid of what you've thought of it for the past 10 months. So if I'm going to tell you everything about me and K just for the sake of making me feel better about my image, then too bad.

I've been dreaming a lot lately about babies. And this time its good dreams. Whenever I used to dream about babies before, I would give birth to them and then they would either disappear or die. Now my dreams are of me getting pregnant or having babies (usually with K). I wonder what that means - I'm definitely not ready to have kids. I know I want to some day, just not right now.

I have two weeks left in Russia. It's finally snowing. I've learned a priceless amount about myself while here; it's an expereience I wouldn't trade for anything...here's a picture (not a very good one) of me in my first snowfall writing my name in cyrillic



















When I get home I can't wait to SHOWER and get all the hard water grime off of me. I can do that in California. In CA K is taking me to see "W*cked" - SO excited! I'll get to go to D*sneyland also ::glorious angels singing. But when I finally get to good 'ol HOME home in Hawaii...I am getting out of the car, petting my 5 handicapped felines, hugging my grandma, then sticking my head under the tap and drinking CLEAN water, then stripping down to my skivvies and jumping in the pool. I'll get out and remain in my undies because it will be so overwhelmingly hot and only then will people receive their hello's and presents. My mom will have already received her hug in the car where she will hopefully be greeting me with malasadas (Portuguese donuts) and passion orange juice. ::sigh:: oh Hawaii...

My next blog will probably be on my travelsofrw site so if you're just DYING to keep up with my fast paced young swingin life - check there in a few. If not, see you in a bit! Take care all

me

Positive Thought of the Day: I bought myself two presents today - a sleeping beauty matrioshka (those dolls inside of one another) and a lady bug fabrege (not REAL) egg ...yay

The Ashes of Something Pretty

The following in bold originally appeared yesterday in my traveling/study abroad blog which can be found on my user profile; it's titled "Oh! The Places You'll go..."

I really wanted to share this excerpt with this group of readers though because THIS blog here really has a lot more to do with my emotions than my travel blog does. You will come in reading at the point where I'm speaking about my semester break in the oblast of Perm in Russia; I am meeting extended family for the first time.

The next day was a really important day for me. We all woke up early and Katia and Olga and I waited downstairs for some friends of Anna’s to come pick me up – they would be taking me to Kudymkar. Kudymkar is the town where the orphanage Michael was adopted from is located. It was a three hour drive and we finally arrived around 11 o’clock in the morning. I met Dr. Alex who showed us around the facilities. We only stayed for about 45 minutes, which honestly made me feel really bad because I wanted to talk to them and tell them why I wanted to be there but my Russian language skills are just so bad. I was so thankful that Anna’s friends drove me three hours only to drive me back three more hours 45 minutes later. But going back a bit when Dr. Alex showed us around it was really hard for me. I can’t imagine how hard it is for potential parents to come to this place only to be turned around because of some paperwork mistake or government holdup. We first went into the three year olds room. Honestly, I had a very naïve vision of what an orphanage was like. Granted there probably are orphanages that aren’t in such good condition but the orphanage at Kudymkar is so wonderful. The children there are being taken care of so well. When Dr. Alex opened the door to the 3 years olds’ room they all smiled and greeted us. However, it still broke my heart. I walked in that room thinking “I can do this – I want to adopt children someday but I know I can’t save the world.” Thirty seconds later as I was walking out I was looking this little girl (who ironically looked exactly like she could be related to my cousin Michael) with tiny glasses in the eye and all my mind could come up with was “Why can’t I save them all?” I was so distraught. We next went to the 1s and 2s. They were just as beautiful and wonderful and I wanted just as much to pick every one of them up and take them home with me. Finally we walked into the babies’ room. There were about 5 of them in different play pens all giggling (or having gas) and I finally couldn’t stay much longer. I wanted to cry but I did not. The following day I felt so sad, almost like a part of me was empty on the inside. I called my Mom and just bawled and she said maybe it was because I had been at Kudymkar. I think so too. I am so glad I went to the orphanage though – I learned so much about myself.

I learned that I was very naïve – not all orphanages are terrible awful places. Kudymkar showed me that maybe I was wrong about Russia; do they really NEED social work? I mean ya, every country needs social services in some way, shape or form but do they need it in the way I was thinking it? I guess what I realized is that the whole world can’t be America. That’s why the world is the way it is, every culture is different and we all thrive because of these differences. It may sound strange to say that we thrive because there are orphans in Russia but what I mean is that the way Russia chooses to take care of their citizens in need reflects their culture and society and that helps us thrive in America as we learn from their society’s successes and mistakes. Similarly, Russia thrives as they learn from American society’s successes and mistakes. Did that make sense? No? It did to me…read it again.

I mean really, this is such a revelation to me. I think going to South Africa now is going to be a totally different experience for me now because I was going with the intention that “This is a country that is in need and if I go there I can save them all.” Ya, Rachel, maybe you can save the world but you’re not going to succeed if you try to do it alone and try to change the world. When I go to South Africa and even in work, grad school, and beyond – I need to reach out to people and be like “Hey, let’s work together…I can’t take ALL the credit for saving the world.” If I don’t, I’m never going to make an impact because ONE person’s biased ideas are pretty useless; a spectrum of ideas from different people is priceless. I also need to respect their society and whatever society I’m working with; I can’t be like “Uh, hey guys, WE do it this way so you should too.” Changing something isn’t necessarily good; making it better the way it is, is. Are you getting all of this? Maybe you should take notes.

I also realized that my Dad not being around still really bothers me BUT at the same time, I am so thankful for the people who do love me. (WHOA…heavy stuff; feel free to skip ahead. This is me sharing my revelations though.) This is something I’ve sort of just realized now as I write this, reflecting back on the experience (i.e. it didn’t hit me right then at Kudymkar). I am angry at my Dad because in a sense he is like all these parents who chose to give up their kids. Ok, maybe that’s not the fairest assumption – maybe some of these babies were teen pregnancies or the nth pregnancy and were ‘given up’ so they could have a better life. But in general seeing those kids made me think “How could you not want something so wonderful?” I’m mad at my father for not ‘wanting’ me. I think it will always bother me a little but each day it does less and less. I’ve realized his absence may have affected me but doesn’t define me. What’s even more important is that I have so many wonderful and amazing people who do love me. I have my animals who love me unconditionally. I have my sorority sisters who love me for who I am and accept me; they are each so wonderful and even though they are halfway across the world right now I know they are still there supporting me, and I them. I have a girlfriend who chooses to love me and that means the world to me. (Btw…Equality is Great, Vote No on 8 ). I have my family who is the best family in the world. I HONESTLY don’t know any family that is closer (except maybe like, the Brady Bunch…but they’re like, creepy…and not real) and who would do anything for one another. Plus we are like cool and funny and…ya, don’t you wish your family was hot like mine? (Elder readers, that was a reference to a song lyric…you might want to look it up.) I have my Mom who is my best friend who loves me more than anything and I couldn’t be more thankful for everything she does for me. And most of all, I have God who will love me no matter what.

I learned a countless amount at Kudymkar that day, but the last one I will share with you is that it affirmed the notion that I want to adopt children some day. The biggest difference now though is I don’t want to adopt children to save them or change them, but simply to love them. Adopting a child isn’t going to get you brownie points with the big guy upstairs and you certainly shouldn’t do it with the intention of making them your little project you can now live through vicariously. If I’m going to adopt a child, it’s going to be because I have so much love that I want to share and I’m going to share it with someone who might need a little more than others.

Btw (By the way ….come on, get with it people), I’m not typing all this to preach to the choir or campaign for anything (Except maybe No on 8..Yay!). I’m not typing this so you all will be like ooh she’s smart. Frankly I maintain the notion that all of you reading this already knew ALL of this and were just waiting for me to learn this on my own. But ya, just a disclaimer ::waves white flag::

So ya...any thoughts? I feel like I'm learning so much about myself here in Russia. I've learned that I love K so much and that now - this moment, is what really matters. If I worry to much about the future or dwell on what happened in the past, I'm going to drive myself into a rut. That was probably the wrong word but I knew what I meant. Maybe we're meant to be together, maybe we're not - only He knows. What I know is that I love her now and I want to be the best companion, lover, and friend she has (That sounds weird...not like she has other lovers or like I want to top her other friends...oh well, my blog-I know what I mean).

I've also learned that just in general I have to stop dwelling on the future so much. I have to be concerned about the now. If I don't it's going to pass right by me. Granted I need to plan ahead and be organized but if ALL I worry about is the future then all the amazing things happening now are going to be wasted.

I think the most important thing I've learned is that I'm ok with not being perfect. Sounds pretty obvious, right? Well reader, if you knew me you'd know that ever since my father left I've been trying to compensate by being a perfect person so it'll make him want me and come back. But you know what - he's not going to come back and he loves me, he just doesnt know how to show it. I have to live with that. I can't try to fix him by fixing myself. Everyone has flaws but that is the essence of our diversity; my flaws make me who I am and I have to learn to embrace them. Slowly but surely, I am doing so.

This is all best summed up I feel by the lyrics of my two favorite song - Here is "Something Pretty" by Patrick Park:

Here I am, where I’ve been
I’ve walked a hundred miles in tobacco skin,
And my clothes are worn & gritty.
And I know ugliness,
Now show me something pretty.
I was a dumb punk kid with nothing to lose
And too much weight for walking shoes.
I could have died from being boring.
As for loneliness,
She greets me every morning.

At the most I’m a glare,
I’m the hopeless son who’s hardly there.
I’m the open sign that’s always busted.
I’m the friend you need, but can’t be trusted.


And here is Ashes by Embrace

Verse 1
I've waited, and given the chance again,
I'd do it all the same, but either way
I'm always outplayed, up on your down days
I left it the right way, to start again



Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, just look how long I've agreed
Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, just look how long I've agreed



Verse 2
Out of place, like a gem on a coalface
Lost on the right way, it's all the same
'Cause I've had my hopes raised, riding the wrong waves
Scared when you felt safe to start again


Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, just look how wrong I could be
Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, you blew me away

Awaaaay
I sink like a stone, I lost my control

Both songs just remind me that ya..crappy ass stuff can happen to you. You can even be at rock bottom (sink like a stone...lose your control). But no matter how bad things get they can always get better. I've learned this lesson many a time, I just think I tend to forget it every once in a while. I am going to make the most of the present, embrace myself, and love every minute of it. Look out world, here I come... :)

me

Positive Thought of the Day: I had Subway today...in Russia. It was like a tasty bit of home between two slices of bread :p

да да!

So I'm in Russia. Yes...very far. Very cold. Having the f*****g time of my life. I probably won't be blogging for a while. If I do it will be very infrequent.

Just a few things. I got here and had MAJOR culture shock. There was this boy I thought I liked and I was just like WHAT??? Needless to say I scared him off by being so weird about it but now we're cool. Aside from that, I am severely confused about my sexuality and questioning it heavily.

Apparently K wants to date my sorority sister. Ugh..whatever. I'm so over it.

All together, I've realized so many things about myself being here and I am so much more thankful for the world we live in. I hope anyone who actually reads this checks back in a few weeks for my update because there's lots I want to share about what I've learned.

Hope you and your families and loved ones are all doing well. Much love,

me

Weekend (almost) Update

I'm a really bad blogger...I do not pay attention to my commenting subscribers and I never update. So here I am doing a update for the past month or so

-I started a new blog for all my travels. Check it out on my profile
-I broke up with K...for the last time. We haven't been talking much but we're still friends.
-I finished my first summer session and now I'm in the second one (not doing as well; first session I got an A...this session I've been absent a lot) taking Social Deviants.
-I leave for Russia in 27 days, California in only 20
-I've been working a couple days a week; I love my job :)
-I started going to the gym every morning then I got sick and stopped...I think I'll go back a few times before I leave.
-I saw 'Wanted' 'The X-Files' and 'Mamma Mia' ...so so, good, and very good
-I've been hanging out with my family a lot.
-My cousin had her baby. He's sooo adorable. I've been hanging out with her family a lot and improving my parenting skills...hehe (no no no, no kids coming for me any time soon)

Other than that, everything is pretty much the same

I hope everyone is doing well. I hope to be keeping up with you all more :)

-me

Positive Thought of the Day: I went swimming with all my cousins for like an hour today. It was the most fun I've had all summer.

Mood Swings

It was so long ago but I never summed up...

My New England Adventure
After my last post on my trip, the following took place:

Tuesday: Walked along the coast of RI, picked up my cousin from daycare, relaxed

Wednesday: Visited "The Breakers" mansion - the Vanderbilt family summer home, went shopping, saw "Penelope"

Thursday: Went to a few bookstores, bought the new 'Curve' with Dani on the cover, moved my stuff from one cousin's house to another, met my other cousin at her 'home', went out to dinner at this fancy chop suey place and caught chicken on my head that was flown at me, bonded with my cousin and watched 'Jacob'...boring movie

Friday: Did Ukranian egg dying and had dinner with the whole family

Saturday: Visited NYC! Saw the empire state building, fashion avenue, the statue of liberty, ellis island, and time square - ate lunch at this fancy rib place

Sunday: Easter...had lunch with the family then flew home

The Girlfriend
Talk about serious drama. Have you ever really, really liked someone but just not 'felt it' anymore? I don't even get why I'm feeling this way; it's like I'm having a major mood swing - one second I want to have her babies and the next I just want to be friends. I'm too much of a coward though to tell her. I sorta kind of tried breaking up with her but it just turned into us fighting then talking then going to our own rooms then fighting then talking then going to our own rooms then crying then fooling around then pretending everything was ok. My therapist thinks it's because I was off my meds and I'm having mood swings; my academic adviser thinks I should end it; my mom thinks I'm too young for love in the first place...any thoughts?


Practically Perfect in Every Way
So my worship of false idols pretty much goes like this - Audrey Hepburn, Julie Andrews, all other humans. Seeing as I won't get to meet my ultimate idol...I literally cried when I found out Julie Andrews would be in the area on the 8th. K and I skipped school to see her. However - K and I fought about when to get there and we ended up getting there too late. They cut the line off about 10 people before us. I was devastated. K is trying to make it up to me by taking me to another of Julie's book signings in Beverly Hills next Friday. Let's hope this time I get to actually meet her and tell her how much Mary Poppins impacted my fragile childhood.


Clothesline
So there's a group on our campus called CARES - creating a rape-free environment for students. Periodically they bring this event to campus called "clothesline" in which literal clotheslines are set up around the campus and hundreds of shirts are hung up. Each shirt is unique as people have made them to reflect their experiences. Each color shirt means something:

White -- Women who have been murdered as a result of sexual or domestic violence.
Red, pink or orange -- Women who have been raped or sexually assaulted
Yellow or beige -- Women who have been battered
Blue or green -- Women survivors of incest or child sexual abuse
Purple or lavender -- Women attacked because they were or were thought to be lesbian

I used to work with CARES every once in a great while last semester so I decided to make a shirt. I picked a shirt (if you're wondering...I'm a blue) and decorated it. I was so proud when I was finished and felt like i had brought a tiny bit more of closure to my situation. I know there are things I will never forget - things that will always just totally suck, but attempting to bring closure to them helps. Anyhow, I couldn't get a picture of it up because it had to dry so I'll describe it to you: In blue glitter glue I wrote in cursive "They said I was too young to remember." Then underneath in black sharpie in all messy capital letters I wrote "But I will never forget what you did to me." I was very proud of myself.

In other news, my mom was in town for a while. I can honestly say with my whole heart my mom is my best friend. I love when she comes to visit. She is the most amazing and strongest woman I know. I wouldn't be alive today without her. Everyone tell your Mom(s) and/or Dad(s) or whoevers that you love them - let's be thankful for the precious people in our lives today!

me

Positive Thought of the Day: I'm starting to get my life back in order - homework is shaping up, I'm working out more, eating healthier, and working on my emotions :)

Helpless...Again

K is sick again.
She went to the ER today for the fourth time in the past two weeks.
I'm thousands of miles away from her - utterly helpless.
Not that I could do anything if I was with her..but still.
It's so hard to 'let go and let God' as one blogger suggested.
I know for a fact - I am truly and completely in love with K.
She means the world to me.
I just want her to be ok.

Today wasn't much of an adventure - Woke up at 11; took a walk on the shore; drove around town; picked up my cousin from pre-school; showered; shopped; ate and now I'm here. Tomorrow we're touring this big mansion and doing some shopping.

me

My New England Adventure - Part 1

This is going to be super long...feel free to jump around and read words that jump out. Here's a basic outline:
-Leaving California
-Arriving in RI and letting my family know I'm a Lesbian
-Spending the Day in Boston
-Some Random Thoughts
-The Positive Thought of the Day

DEPARTURE
So RIGHT before we left for the airport, K and I got into a nasty little tiff. It was super awkward and I made her feel bad AND cry and that just made ME feel awful. We cleared things up as far as I'm concerned and I left on a good note. It was sad to say goodbye even though it's just for a week. I don't like being away from her; at the same time I'm my own person and can survive. The plane ride was a lot shorter than expected. I got one of those pre-packaged meals and it was gross. What ever happened to the days of free food on planes. Then again that was gross too. Anyhow, I got to D.C. and transfered planes and finally made it to Providence. The whole gang was waiting for me there. Four of my .... (counts) nine cousins I'm visiting jumped up to greet me and help me with my bags. Yes, bagS ...I don't pack lite. We took a quick tour of Providence then got breakfast at some place that's very self serving. I mean like you do everything for yourself practically - at least that was our experience. It was called Au pan Au bon or something???? Any New Englanders reading are probably laughing. Oh well.

AWKWARD...
On the way to Newport we stopped by two of my cousin's school. My older cousin was like "Oh...Gracie plays crew...do you know what crew is?" Well of course I do - K does crew and talks to me about it all the time so without thinking I was like "oh yah my girlfriend does crew" ...oops. First Slip. A little later we were talking about my school:

Cousin Jackie: So why'd you pick your school?

Me: The town reminded me a lot of home, my major is popular, and I asked every school I visited the same question and my school was the only one that gave me the answer I wanted.

CJ: What'd you ask?

Me: What's your tolerance for diversity?

CJ: So why were you looking for diversity?

Me: Uh... (thinks quickly and can't come up with anything except 'I like Mexican people')
Well...let me ask you something first

CJ: sure

Me: Are you really religious?

CJ: I think so?

Me: Would you consider yourself a conservative?

CJ: I'd like to think so

Me: Boy this is awkward...

CJ: Just say it

Me: Well like I said..I have a girlfriend AndIfThatBothersYouICanTotallyGoHomeAndImSoSorry ...

CJ: NO!!!!!! No! Noooo ...no...no

Me: Well yah, that's why I asked about diversity

CJ: oh...

Rest of Cousins in back seat: OH COOL ::fake smiles::

-awkward silence for remainder of car ride-

Don't ask me why I gauge how people are going to recieve my being gay by asking them if they're religious and/or conservative. I either ask them that or if they've seen Rent and Angels in America but when I ask the latter question they usually end up thinking I'm trying to tell them I have AIDS. And also...I don't know why I offered to go home; if my family wasn't going to accept me then that would've been there problem, but yah...more on that later. We finally got to Newport and to my cousin Kevin's house. I was greeted by lots of food and smiles. I dropped another bomb by accidentally mentioning K once again and inducing more silence. My cousin michael who is 5 taught me how to play Wii (I've never played before...needless to say it was awesome), then we had dinner which was equally awesome. Then came time for bed. It was Sunday night and I hadn't slept since Friday.

THE CLIMAX
So I'm up in the room I've been allotted talking to K on the phone and start crying about the awful sudden awkwardness with this new branch of family I've just met for the first time. I call my Mom who gets upset that I'M crying and calls my cousin Kevin's wife and makes MARY CRY because she feels bad that I'm her guest and I'm upset and comes upstairs and hugs me and basically tells me she's glad I'm a lesbian and no one gives a shit about the choices I make (she meant it nicely). All in all, I felt better - showered - and slept for 12 hours.

BOSTON
I've already written a lot so I'll sum up my day in the city as quickly as possible. I woke up (forgetting it was St. Patrick's Day) and threw on some green. We drove about an hour and a half to the T station and caught the train into the city where we visited Fenway park only to pay an arm and a leg to see basically nothing - it's off season and the park is being renovated. I got to see the "green monster" though and sit in the oldest seats in baseball though. Next we caught the T to the beginning of the Freedom Trail and walked the-whole-thing. I didn't know it would be that long. Took a lot of pictures...saw a lot of cool things. Understatement of the year. Favorite part would have to be seeing the grave of Mother Goose. Next, caught the ferry back to the main part of town and got some lunch then went to Harvard...we were all pretty tired by then so we just browsed around the bookstore. I saw a textbook written by a professor at my school and told my cousin "hey..this guy teaches at MY school" and what HAD to be a Harvard student just snickered and brushed by me. I bought an old Harvard textbook on gay studies and a book for K's cousin who's staying with her. We then went home and had an awesome dinner and here I am. :)

RANDOM THOUGHTS
-Will I really get married to a woman? Will it be marriage someday or just something like it in a state that allows it? Or will it just be a commitment ceremony? Or will I just be a chronic dater?

-Will I have children? Will they have a father?

-Why do I think about the future so much?

-If you respond to one thing in this post - tell me this: What's your definition of love?

me

p.s. ...it was COLD today! And it's only going to be colder in Russia, which, BY THE WAY, I got accepted to. Fall '08 study abroad here I come.

Positive Thought of the Day: I saw a city I've never seen before...and I fancied up my blog!