what's the difference...

what's the difference...

between being annoyed...

and falling out of love???

:/

feeling life

So K had her endoscopy today. No...she didn't die. Thankful doesn't even do justice to describe how I feel, but I guess that'll have to do. I'm so incredibly thankful that the woman I'm in love with is safe. Now, once she's finally in my arms (hopefully by tomorrow night-probably thursday morning) I'll feel better.

I do feel bad though for being such a big baby and being so selfish. I've been constantly crying and telling K how much this bothers me when in reality I should have just sucked it up and been tough. This must be so difficult for her and I need to be there for her as someone to lean on. I keep saying sorry (a bad habit of mine), but I still feel guilty. Why???

Research
So I'm trying to keep my mind off of K not doing so well by keeping my mind on school. If only i could actually grasp what the hell is going on in any of my classes. I have a project due in social research design. It's a design of a research project, researching anything I want. Any ideas? My current topic on file with the professor is whether or not there's a difference between heterosexual women and homosexual women and their views on whether or not lesbians should be mothers. My next project is for persuasion. It's a group project so I'm not alone on this one, but we still haven't gotten the ball rolling. We have to analyze an artifact and how it is persuasive. We can use any media artifact....any commercial, tv show, or movie. Any suggestions there? My last project is for Forensics. I have to do a research paper on any forensics related subject I want. What is with this "anything we want"? How about some specifics people? I need SOME guidelines. Any ideas for forensics???

I need one last suggestion. K's birthday is upon us...I'm going to get her a GPS. Right now I'm going with the Garmin nuvi 350. Does anybody have/use/suggest anything different?

Vent
So I guess I'm not done. I have so much on my mind. I feel like I'm such a bad girlfriend. K is so good to me and I've made such a big deal out of this sickness thing lately when I feel I should have just been calm and strong for her. I say sorry too much. I'm just overall guilty too much! Plus I'm worried I'm putting too much focus on K. Don't get me wrong. I am madly in love with this woman but I have this bad habit of putting all my eggs in one basket. And see-look at me, she's all I can talk about. I thought this time would be different and I'd keep all my...'eggs?' evenly distributed, but I don't know. I feel like my mind is running a million miles a minute. Something else bothering me is I don't feel close to God. I haven't felt close to Him in a long time but lately it's been bothering me a lot. Why am I so emotional? No-it's not 'that time' of the month. And I've been on 4 different anti-depressants/mood stabilizers for the past 7 years to avoid these feelings. Maybe I've just finally developed a tolerance and I'm beginning to feel life. I seriously feel like zach braff in 'garden state' when he talks about not being able to feel feelings. Sometimes I seriously just feel dead to the world. None of this makes sense. That's another thing. I used to be such a great writer and it didn't take any effort. Now it takes blood sweat and tears for me to get out something the least bit comprehensible. Oh bother. I guess nothing is ever perfect

me

Positive Thought of the Day: K is feeling better.

1 in 2000

My girlfriend is having an endoscopy tomorrow.

1 in 2000 people die from endoscopies.

I know the odds are ridiculous and I need to be positive...but if I lose just one more person, I don't think I could take it anymore.

Thank you everyone for your prayers.

me

Positive Thought of the Day: My sister complemented my hair today

Helpless

Very few times in my life have I felt this helpless. I actually think the last time I felt like this, I was sitting on the cold tile floor of a padded room with my wrists bleeding pulling out my hair and asking God to end everything.

Now I'm sitting in a completely different setting. I'm not 20 pounds underweight, I'm not losing my hair, and my wrists aren't bleeding. It's quite the contrary - I'm sitting here eating some fatty mashed potatoes and fish sticks, my long hair is back in a headband, and my scars are all but gone.

The phone rings and it's K. Hearing her voice makes the tears stop. Why the tears you ask? Well, this is how it all started...

K is going out of the country in May so her doctor prescribed her this typhoid vaccine. The vaccine is a pill. She took it on Wednesday and since then she's had this feeling that it was sorta stuck in her throat. She's gotten shortness of breath, acid reflux, and chest pain. I finally convinced her to go to the clinic yesterday. We spent two hours there (not bad...last time we went for my bronchitis it was almost four) and they didn't do much. K called her mom who suggested she call her doctor at home. The doctor said either she go to the ER here (where she and I are at school), or go home and go to the gastroenterologist. Her parents opted for her to fly home.

I wanted to go. I had the money to go. I had no tests and quizzes - I could go. She wanted me to go. Her parents said no. They definitely don't approve of me ... but that's another story.

So here I am - helpless. I'm terrified the love of my life is never going to come back. I know that's ridiculously unrealistic but if you knew the story of my life you'd know that almost everyone I've ever truly loved has had to leave. That's what it felt like when we dropped K off at the airport today. I feel selfish for crying because this isn't about me. I know she's where she needs to be but I'm just so upset I can't be there for her. I need to really get a grip because I leave for Russia in 6 months to spend a semester there and if I can't even last a few days without K how am I going to last a semester?

I've never loved anyone like I've loved K. I can seriously see myself spending the rest of my life with her. I guess all I can do now is put things in the Lord's hands. I know not many or maybe even nobody will read this, but if you do and if you feel you can - could you just say a short prayer for K? It would mean the world to me

me

Positive Thought of the Day: K and I went to church together

the basics

Seeing as I'm new to all this, I figured I'd give those of you who might be reading this a basic run down of what I'm doing here and who I am. So what I'm doing here. Well, I started off 2008 with the mantra "2008 - it's gonna be great!"...in other words, I wanted to be a lot more positive than I had been. If you'd known me at any time in my life from the age of 3 to presently, you'd probably posit I'm a relatively pessimistic individual. But that's a different story for a different time. Anyhow, I wasn't being very positive in 2008 and so just a few days ago my girlfriend (we will call her K) and I had a chat. I'd heard about her blog before and we'd agreed I wouldn't read it. It was her time and space to write down how she felt without anyone passing judgment. After our chat though (another story...don't worry, I'll share that one in just a bit), she shared with me one of her blog entries and it inspired me to get one of my own. I told her about it and she suggested not only do I write in it privately as she does, but I should also write down one positive thing that happens each day. So, that is what has brought me here.

So, who am I? Well you could label me lots of things - woman, almost-20-year-old, Christian, Lesbian, student, teacher's aide, daughter, girlfriend, sorority girl (not in that order). Well I'm feeling not so creative anymore so I think I'll stop writing. Plus I have some homework to get to. Until later...

me

Today's Positive Thought: I am loved

Brand New

Yay this is so exciting...I have a blog. My girlfriend has one and it seemed like a good outlet so I decided - hey, what the heck. I actually have class in like 30 seconds so I'll come back and mess with this thing later.