The Ashes of Something Pretty

The following in bold originally appeared yesterday in my traveling/study abroad blog which can be found on my user profile; it's titled "Oh! The Places You'll go..."

I really wanted to share this excerpt with this group of readers though because THIS blog here really has a lot more to do with my emotions than my travel blog does. You will come in reading at the point where I'm speaking about my semester break in the oblast of Perm in Russia; I am meeting extended family for the first time.

The next day was a really important day for me. We all woke up early and Katia and Olga and I waited downstairs for some friends of Anna’s to come pick me up – they would be taking me to Kudymkar. Kudymkar is the town where the orphanage Michael was adopted from is located. It was a three hour drive and we finally arrived around 11 o’clock in the morning. I met Dr. Alex who showed us around the facilities. We only stayed for about 45 minutes, which honestly made me feel really bad because I wanted to talk to them and tell them why I wanted to be there but my Russian language skills are just so bad. I was so thankful that Anna’s friends drove me three hours only to drive me back three more hours 45 minutes later. But going back a bit when Dr. Alex showed us around it was really hard for me. I can’t imagine how hard it is for potential parents to come to this place only to be turned around because of some paperwork mistake or government holdup. We first went into the three year olds room. Honestly, I had a very naïve vision of what an orphanage was like. Granted there probably are orphanages that aren’t in such good condition but the orphanage at Kudymkar is so wonderful. The children there are being taken care of so well. When Dr. Alex opened the door to the 3 years olds’ room they all smiled and greeted us. However, it still broke my heart. I walked in that room thinking “I can do this – I want to adopt children someday but I know I can’t save the world.” Thirty seconds later as I was walking out I was looking this little girl (who ironically looked exactly like she could be related to my cousin Michael) with tiny glasses in the eye and all my mind could come up with was “Why can’t I save them all?” I was so distraught. We next went to the 1s and 2s. They were just as beautiful and wonderful and I wanted just as much to pick every one of them up and take them home with me. Finally we walked into the babies’ room. There were about 5 of them in different play pens all giggling (or having gas) and I finally couldn’t stay much longer. I wanted to cry but I did not. The following day I felt so sad, almost like a part of me was empty on the inside. I called my Mom and just bawled and she said maybe it was because I had been at Kudymkar. I think so too. I am so glad I went to the orphanage though – I learned so much about myself.

I learned that I was very naïve – not all orphanages are terrible awful places. Kudymkar showed me that maybe I was wrong about Russia; do they really NEED social work? I mean ya, every country needs social services in some way, shape or form but do they need it in the way I was thinking it? I guess what I realized is that the whole world can’t be America. That’s why the world is the way it is, every culture is different and we all thrive because of these differences. It may sound strange to say that we thrive because there are orphans in Russia but what I mean is that the way Russia chooses to take care of their citizens in need reflects their culture and society and that helps us thrive in America as we learn from their society’s successes and mistakes. Similarly, Russia thrives as they learn from American society’s successes and mistakes. Did that make sense? No? It did to me…read it again.

I mean really, this is such a revelation to me. I think going to South Africa now is going to be a totally different experience for me now because I was going with the intention that “This is a country that is in need and if I go there I can save them all.” Ya, Rachel, maybe you can save the world but you’re not going to succeed if you try to do it alone and try to change the world. When I go to South Africa and even in work, grad school, and beyond – I need to reach out to people and be like “Hey, let’s work together…I can’t take ALL the credit for saving the world.” If I don’t, I’m never going to make an impact because ONE person’s biased ideas are pretty useless; a spectrum of ideas from different people is priceless. I also need to respect their society and whatever society I’m working with; I can’t be like “Uh, hey guys, WE do it this way so you should too.” Changing something isn’t necessarily good; making it better the way it is, is. Are you getting all of this? Maybe you should take notes.

I also realized that my Dad not being around still really bothers me BUT at the same time, I am so thankful for the people who do love me. (WHOA…heavy stuff; feel free to skip ahead. This is me sharing my revelations though.) This is something I’ve sort of just realized now as I write this, reflecting back on the experience (i.e. it didn’t hit me right then at Kudymkar). I am angry at my Dad because in a sense he is like all these parents who chose to give up their kids. Ok, maybe that’s not the fairest assumption – maybe some of these babies were teen pregnancies or the nth pregnancy and were ‘given up’ so they could have a better life. But in general seeing those kids made me think “How could you not want something so wonderful?” I’m mad at my father for not ‘wanting’ me. I think it will always bother me a little but each day it does less and less. I’ve realized his absence may have affected me but doesn’t define me. What’s even more important is that I have so many wonderful and amazing people who do love me. I have my animals who love me unconditionally. I have my sorority sisters who love me for who I am and accept me; they are each so wonderful and even though they are halfway across the world right now I know they are still there supporting me, and I them. I have a girlfriend who chooses to love me and that means the world to me. (Btw…Equality is Great, Vote No on 8 ). I have my family who is the best family in the world. I HONESTLY don’t know any family that is closer (except maybe like, the Brady Bunch…but they’re like, creepy…and not real) and who would do anything for one another. Plus we are like cool and funny and…ya, don’t you wish your family was hot like mine? (Elder readers, that was a reference to a song lyric…you might want to look it up.) I have my Mom who is my best friend who loves me more than anything and I couldn’t be more thankful for everything she does for me. And most of all, I have God who will love me no matter what.

I learned a countless amount at Kudymkar that day, but the last one I will share with you is that it affirmed the notion that I want to adopt children some day. The biggest difference now though is I don’t want to adopt children to save them or change them, but simply to love them. Adopting a child isn’t going to get you brownie points with the big guy upstairs and you certainly shouldn’t do it with the intention of making them your little project you can now live through vicariously. If I’m going to adopt a child, it’s going to be because I have so much love that I want to share and I’m going to share it with someone who might need a little more than others.

Btw (By the way ….come on, get with it people), I’m not typing all this to preach to the choir or campaign for anything (Except maybe No on 8..Yay!). I’m not typing this so you all will be like ooh she’s smart. Frankly I maintain the notion that all of you reading this already knew ALL of this and were just waiting for me to learn this on my own. But ya, just a disclaimer ::waves white flag::

So ya...any thoughts? I feel like I'm learning so much about myself here in Russia. I've learned that I love K so much and that now - this moment, is what really matters. If I worry to much about the future or dwell on what happened in the past, I'm going to drive myself into a rut. That was probably the wrong word but I knew what I meant. Maybe we're meant to be together, maybe we're not - only He knows. What I know is that I love her now and I want to be the best companion, lover, and friend she has (That sounds weird...not like she has other lovers or like I want to top her other friends...oh well, my blog-I know what I mean).

I've also learned that just in general I have to stop dwelling on the future so much. I have to be concerned about the now. If I don't it's going to pass right by me. Granted I need to plan ahead and be organized but if ALL I worry about is the future then all the amazing things happening now are going to be wasted.

I think the most important thing I've learned is that I'm ok with not being perfect. Sounds pretty obvious, right? Well reader, if you knew me you'd know that ever since my father left I've been trying to compensate by being a perfect person so it'll make him want me and come back. But you know what - he's not going to come back and he loves me, he just doesnt know how to show it. I have to live with that. I can't try to fix him by fixing myself. Everyone has flaws but that is the essence of our diversity; my flaws make me who I am and I have to learn to embrace them. Slowly but surely, I am doing so.

This is all best summed up I feel by the lyrics of my two favorite song - Here is "Something Pretty" by Patrick Park:

Here I am, where I’ve been
I’ve walked a hundred miles in tobacco skin,
And my clothes are worn & gritty.
And I know ugliness,
Now show me something pretty.
I was a dumb punk kid with nothing to lose
And too much weight for walking shoes.
I could have died from being boring.
As for loneliness,
She greets me every morning.

At the most I’m a glare,
I’m the hopeless son who’s hardly there.
I’m the open sign that’s always busted.
I’m the friend you need, but can’t be trusted.


And here is Ashes by Embrace

Verse 1
I've waited, and given the chance again,
I'd do it all the same, but either way
I'm always outplayed, up on your down days
I left it the right way, to start again



Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, just look how long I've agreed
Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, just look how long I've agreed



Verse 2
Out of place, like a gem on a coalface
Lost on the right way, it's all the same
'Cause I've had my hopes raised, riding the wrong waves
Scared when you felt safe to start again


Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, just look how wrong I could be
Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, you blew me away

Awaaaay
I sink like a stone, I lost my control

Both songs just remind me that ya..crappy ass stuff can happen to you. You can even be at rock bottom (sink like a stone...lose your control). But no matter how bad things get they can always get better. I've learned this lesson many a time, I just think I tend to forget it every once in a while. I am going to make the most of the present, embrace myself, and love every minute of it. Look out world, here I come... :)

me

Positive Thought of the Day: I had Subway today...in Russia. It was like a tasty bit of home between two slices of bread :p