So I'm in Russia. Yes...very far. Very cold. Having the f*****g time of my life. I probably won't be blogging for a while. If I do it will be very infrequent.
Just a few things. I got here and had MAJOR culture shock. There was this boy I thought I liked and I was just like WHAT??? Needless to say I scared him off by being so weird about it but now we're cool. Aside from that, I am severely confused about my sexuality and questioning it heavily.
Apparently K wants to date my sorority sister. Ugh..whatever. I'm so over it.
All together, I've realized so many things about myself being here and I am so much more thankful for the world we live in. I hope anyone who actually reads this checks back in a few weeks for my update because there's lots I want to share about what I've learned.
Hope you and your families and loved ones are all doing well. Much love,
me
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
You KNOW...
...I do NOT go around questioning your heterosexuality. So I'd really freakin appreciate it if you stopped questioning my homosexuality. Even if it is a phase, that's none of your damn business. I'm am going to LOVE and have SEX and KISS and HOLD HANDS and CHECK OUT whoever I frickin want. I REPEAT...I do NOT question you...so would EVERYONE just STOP questioning me?! I have enough going on...
URGH I AM SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
URGH I AM SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, August 8, 2008
The Bee by the Bathroom
My bathroom here at home has a window high above the shower that faces our front yard. We recently dug up our rock bed that was underneath that window and put some soil and hibiscus in there. Ever since the flowers bloomed, our front yard has been full of bees. In the past few weeks when I was in the bathroom I'd hear a buzzing sound so I assumed some bees were building (word choice?) a hive outside my bathroom window. I thought it dangerous for my younger cousins if the hive were to fall and bees go everywhere, so I planned on eventually going out there and spraying the crap out of it with RAID.
This morning on my way to the car with my mom, my mom goes "Oh look, the Mama bee is dead." I was wondering how she had decided it was a "Mama bee" when I noticed it had an egg sack attached to it. The bee was all crumpled up in the middle of our garage, far from the growing hive.
I got in the car and to my surprise I started to cry. I don't know what bothered me about it so much but I was devastated at the loss of this bee! Now don't get me wrong, I am a big animal lover - we have so many pets at home and I would be a zoologist if I wasn't so bad at science, but I don't usually just break into tears when I see insects dead.
I thought more about it and I realized - what if it had to do with the fact that it was a Mama Bee (a Queen bee)? I certainly have a recognized, extreme fear of my own children dying let alone a fear I will never be able to have children some day.
One thing you should understand is I have this re-occuring dream whenever my life gets a certain way. The dream takes on different settings and supporting characters but it's always basically the same: me having a baby. Eventually, it always ends the same. The baby dies right after it's born. I always wake up crying from these dreams. Whenever I have a dream like this my life is usually out of control. What I'm wondering now is - what's out of control???
R.I.P. Mama Bee
-me
Positive Thought of the Day- I have a DATE tomorrow :D
This morning on my way to the car with my mom, my mom goes "Oh look, the Mama bee is dead." I was wondering how she had decided it was a "Mama bee" when I noticed it had an egg sack attached to it. The bee was all crumpled up in the middle of our garage, far from the growing hive.
I got in the car and to my surprise I started to cry. I don't know what bothered me about it so much but I was devastated at the loss of this bee! Now don't get me wrong, I am a big animal lover - we have so many pets at home and I would be a zoologist if I wasn't so bad at science, but I don't usually just break into tears when I see insects dead.
I thought more about it and I realized - what if it had to do with the fact that it was a Mama Bee (a Queen bee)? I certainly have a recognized, extreme fear of my own children dying let alone a fear I will never be able to have children some day.
One thing you should understand is I have this re-occuring dream whenever my life gets a certain way. The dream takes on different settings and supporting characters but it's always basically the same: me having a baby. Eventually, it always ends the same. The baby dies right after it's born. I always wake up crying from these dreams. Whenever I have a dream like this my life is usually out of control. What I'm wondering now is - what's out of control???
R.I.P. Mama Bee
-me
Positive Thought of the Day- I have a DATE tomorrow :D
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Weekend (almost) Update
I'm a really bad blogger...I do not pay attention to my commenting subscribers and I never update. So here I am doing a update for the past month or so
-I started a new blog for all my travels. Check it out on my profile
-I broke up with K...for the last time. We haven't been talking much but we're still friends.
-I finished my first summer session and now I'm in the second one (not doing as well; first session I got an A...this session I've been absent a lot) taking Social Deviants.
-I leave for Russia in 27 days, California in only 20
-I've been working a couple days a week; I love my job :)
-I started going to the gym every morning then I got sick and stopped...I think I'll go back a few times before I leave.
-I saw 'Wanted' 'The X-Files' and 'Mamma Mia' ...so so, good, and very good
-I've been hanging out with my family a lot.
-My cousin had her baby. He's sooo adorable. I've been hanging out with her family a lot and improving my parenting skills...hehe (no no no, no kids coming for me any time soon)
Other than that, everything is pretty much the same
I hope everyone is doing well. I hope to be keeping up with you all more :)
-me
Positive Thought of the Day: I went swimming with all my cousins for like an hour today. It was the most fun I've had all summer.
-I started a new blog for all my travels. Check it out on my profile
-I broke up with K...for the last time. We haven't been talking much but we're still friends.
-I finished my first summer session and now I'm in the second one (not doing as well; first session I got an A...this session I've been absent a lot) taking Social Deviants.
-I leave for Russia in 27 days, California in only 20
-I've been working a couple days a week; I love my job :)
-I started going to the gym every morning then I got sick and stopped...I think I'll go back a few times before I leave.
-I saw 'Wanted' 'The X-Files' and 'Mamma Mia' ...so so, good, and very good
-I've been hanging out with my family a lot.
-My cousin had her baby. He's sooo adorable. I've been hanging out with her family a lot and improving my parenting skills...hehe (no no no, no kids coming for me any time soon)
Other than that, everything is pretty much the same
I hope everyone is doing well. I hope to be keeping up with you all more :)
-me
Positive Thought of the Day: I went swimming with all my cousins for like an hour today. It was the most fun I've had all summer.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Never Have I Ever...
...walked out of a movie. Tonight I did.
One of my Best Friends came home on Saturday and we finally got to hang out tonight. We decided to go and see "The Happening" at the mall near my house. We did some catch up as we ate snacks and ignored lame previews. Then, the movie started. From the first second I knew it was bad. And I don't mean bad like "Meet the Spartans" bad...I mean that movie was just dumb but I even sat through that. But "The Happening" was downright awful - we walked out and I was trembling and in tears. WARNING: the following contains spoilers for the movie.
In the first two minutes of the movie it shows a woman stabbing herself. A minute later you watch a few dozen men jumping off buildings and falling to there death as they break their necks. The story line unfolds and you find out there is an airborne toxin that is inhibiting our "self preservation" neurotoxins - in other words, it's causing people to kill themselves. Next you see a woman gouge out her jugular with her car keys. Then you see a cop shoot his brains out; a man watches then gets out of his car, grabs the same gun and shoots HIS brains out. A woman is looking on, walks over and grabs the SAME gun and shoots her brains out. Next the main characters get seperated and one is driving through this small town. Two of the characters see a video sent via blackberry of a man feeding himself to the lions at a local zoo and they show the man being eaten alive. Then they come upon a tree trimming truck but it's abandoned. Further up the road, the half dozen tree trimmers have hung themselves in the trees they were trimming. The toxin is obviously in the air now and so the one main character is in a car full of people who are talking and suddenly get a glazed look over their face and stop the car. Suddenly they rev the cars engine and crash it full speed into a tree - all the bodies tumble out in unnatural positions. The main character is the only one to survive, gets out, grabs a piece of the broken windshield and stabs himself in the neck. The rest of the main characters are in another part of town and drive upon something in the road. They use binoculars to see that it is a massive pile of bodies.
I had been contemplating leaving ever since I saw the hangings, but the pile of bodies pushed me over the edge and I told my friend I was leaving with or without her. We ended up walking out with some people actually following us.
All of this happened within the first half hour of the movie. I couldn't bare to see what would happen if I stayed. I didn't want to see children killing themselves and I felt it may be coming. I don't know - I didn't stay. I have honestly NEVER ever walked out on a movie in my life. I give everything a fair chance no matter how crappy it may be. But this was downright wrong. How could you make a movie about something so inappropriate? I cried for an hour after I left. Some might say that makes me weak or weird but this movie literally shook me to the core.
I think I was so bothered by this film for two reasons. One - the movie SHOWED the people dying. I understand death is a natural process and I understand that it was JUST a movie but to show something so...not sacred, but what's the word....taboo? No...so, ineffable...I guess. To show it in such a disrespectful and careless way is just wrong. This leads to the second reasons why I was disturbed by this movie. I am someone who does not take things lightly and I especially value my life as I was once someone who took it for granted. I tried to take my own life twice in my existence and both times came very close to succeeding. To so casually portray death by those means just brought back the hell on earth I had experienced so long ago. I know it is the past but still it just really shook my core.
I honestly don't think I hope to achieve anything by writing this blog. I think I just needed it for cleansing sake. "The Happening," in my opinion is a terrible and awful movie and I will never see it again. It offended and terrified me.
In happier news, I'm home for the summer. I'm taking one sociology class at the main university in the morning and working at Gymbo in the afternoon (the clothing, not the play one). Im glad to be home with my family however I'm sad to be away from K and I feel really isolated here. Good practice for Russia I suppose.
On the news tonight I saw a gay couple from my state is getting married and having a baby. It just made me so happy to know that it was possible where I LIVED.
Oh, now I remember what I was going to write. I need money. No I'm not asking for handouts. But I was looking on craigslist for a second job and I read that they give 5k for egg donors. I first wanted to do it just because of the money but now I'm thinking more deeply about it - some day me and K or me and someone are going to depend on sperm donors to bring a child into this world. There are people out there doing there part to help make mine and K's dreams come true - should I do the same to help someone else's dreams come true? Here's what I've come up with:
Pros:
Helping a couple in need (esp. gay couples)
money (getting out of debt, spending money abroad, going to sorority sisters wedding this summer)
Cons:
I take medication
There could be a child of mine out there that I don't know
I'm not in the BEST of shape
any suggestions?
me
Positive Thought of the Day: I've started blogging again!
One of my Best Friends came home on Saturday and we finally got to hang out tonight. We decided to go and see "The Happening" at the mall near my house. We did some catch up as we ate snacks and ignored lame previews. Then, the movie started. From the first second I knew it was bad. And I don't mean bad like "Meet the Spartans" bad...I mean that movie was just dumb but I even sat through that. But "The Happening" was downright awful - we walked out and I was trembling and in tears. WARNING: the following contains spoilers for the movie.
In the first two minutes of the movie it shows a woman stabbing herself. A minute later you watch a few dozen men jumping off buildings and falling to there death as they break their necks. The story line unfolds and you find out there is an airborne toxin that is inhibiting our "self preservation" neurotoxins - in other words, it's causing people to kill themselves. Next you see a woman gouge out her jugular with her car keys. Then you see a cop shoot his brains out; a man watches then gets out of his car, grabs the same gun and shoots HIS brains out. A woman is looking on, walks over and grabs the SAME gun and shoots her brains out. Next the main characters get seperated and one is driving through this small town. Two of the characters see a video sent via blackberry of a man feeding himself to the lions at a local zoo and they show the man being eaten alive. Then they come upon a tree trimming truck but it's abandoned. Further up the road, the half dozen tree trimmers have hung themselves in the trees they were trimming. The toxin is obviously in the air now and so the one main character is in a car full of people who are talking and suddenly get a glazed look over their face and stop the car. Suddenly they rev the cars engine and crash it full speed into a tree - all the bodies tumble out in unnatural positions. The main character is the only one to survive, gets out, grabs a piece of the broken windshield and stabs himself in the neck. The rest of the main characters are in another part of town and drive upon something in the road. They use binoculars to see that it is a massive pile of bodies.
I had been contemplating leaving ever since I saw the hangings, but the pile of bodies pushed me over the edge and I told my friend I was leaving with or without her. We ended up walking out with some people actually following us.
All of this happened within the first half hour of the movie. I couldn't bare to see what would happen if I stayed. I didn't want to see children killing themselves and I felt it may be coming. I don't know - I didn't stay. I have honestly NEVER ever walked out on a movie in my life. I give everything a fair chance no matter how crappy it may be. But this was downright wrong. How could you make a movie about something so inappropriate? I cried for an hour after I left. Some might say that makes me weak or weird but this movie literally shook me to the core.
I think I was so bothered by this film for two reasons. One - the movie SHOWED the people dying. I understand death is a natural process and I understand that it was JUST a movie but to show something so...not sacred, but what's the word....taboo? No...so, ineffable...I guess. To show it in such a disrespectful and careless way is just wrong. This leads to the second reasons why I was disturbed by this movie. I am someone who does not take things lightly and I especially value my life as I was once someone who took it for granted. I tried to take my own life twice in my existence and both times came very close to succeeding. To so casually portray death by those means just brought back the hell on earth I had experienced so long ago. I know it is the past but still it just really shook my core.
I honestly don't think I hope to achieve anything by writing this blog. I think I just needed it for cleansing sake. "The Happening," in my opinion is a terrible and awful movie and I will never see it again. It offended and terrified me.
In happier news, I'm home for the summer. I'm taking one sociology class at the main university in the morning and working at Gymbo in the afternoon (the clothing, not the play one). Im glad to be home with my family however I'm sad to be away from K and I feel really isolated here. Good practice for Russia I suppose.
On the news tonight I saw a gay couple from my state is getting married and having a baby. It just made me so happy to know that it was possible where I LIVED.
Oh, now I remember what I was going to write. I need money. No I'm not asking for handouts. But I was looking on craigslist for a second job and I read that they give 5k for egg donors. I first wanted to do it just because of the money but now I'm thinking more deeply about it - some day me and K or me and someone are going to depend on sperm donors to bring a child into this world. There are people out there doing there part to help make mine and K's dreams come true - should I do the same to help someone else's dreams come true? Here's what I've come up with:
Pros:
Helping a couple in need (esp. gay couples)
money (getting out of debt, spending money abroad, going to sorority sisters wedding this summer)
Cons:
I take medication
There could be a child of mine out there that I don't know
I'm not in the BEST of shape
any suggestions?
me
Positive Thought of the Day: I've started blogging again!
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
PLEEE-HEEEE-EEEEZZ
If you read this (I don't think many people do...I'm not very communicative with comments, etc. ... it's summer now though so I plan on blogging more), I really need your support. And if you have the time, I'd love it if you passed this on to your friends. I need your votes on this contest because, as some of you know, I'm studying abroad this upcoming school year. I'll be in Russia in the winter and in South Africa for that hemisphere's winter as well. However, I go to school and live in very warm and humid climates - I have no cold weather clothes. The prize for this contest is a $500 yes...five HUNDRED dollar gift card to Northface. I really need clothes for my travels that will withstand the weather I'm going to encounter. Thanks for your help.
Short update:
K and I are so so (ya, we're still together...even though we broke up twice)
I passed all my classes (barely for one)
I'm taking summer school
I'm back working
I joined a Gym
me
Short update:
K and I are so so (ya, we're still together...even though we broke up twice)
I passed all my classes (barely for one)
I'm taking summer school
I'm back working
I joined a Gym
me
Friday, May 23, 2008
sore excuse
I haven't written in a long time
my apologies
finals, moving home, getting ready for Russia, and things with K have kept me busy
now I'm on to summer school and work and more preparations for Russia
when I manage to find some free time I'll do a real update
I know that's a sore excuse because all you superb bloggers out there have very little free time
but, nonetheless...
me
positive thought of the day: i spent time with my cousins watching the new indiana jones movie
my apologies
finals, moving home, getting ready for Russia, and things with K have kept me busy
now I'm on to summer school and work and more preparations for Russia
when I manage to find some free time I'll do a real update
I know that's a sore excuse because all you superb bloggers out there have very little free time
but, nonetheless...
me
positive thought of the day: i spent time with my cousins watching the new indiana jones movie
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