Short update:
K and I are so so (ya, we're still together...even though we broke up twice)
I passed all my classes (barely for one)
I'm taking summer school
I'm back working
I joined a Gym
me
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
PLEEE-HEEEE-EEEEZZ
If you read this (I don't think many people do...I'm not very communicative with comments, etc. ... it's summer now though so I plan on blogging more), I really need your support. And if you have the time, I'd love it if you passed this on to your friends. I need your votes on this contest because, as some of you know, I'm studying abroad this upcoming school year. I'll be in Russia in the winter and in South Africa for that hemisphere's winter as well. However, I go to school and live in very warm and humid climates - I have no cold weather clothes. The prize for this contest is a $500 yes...five HUNDRED dollar gift card to Northface. I really need clothes for my travels that will withstand the weather I'm going to encounter. Thanks for your help.
Short update:
K and I are so so (ya, we're still together...even though we broke up twice)
I passed all my classes (barely for one)
I'm taking summer school
I'm back working
I joined a Gym
me
Short update:
K and I are so so (ya, we're still together...even though we broke up twice)
I passed all my classes (barely for one)
I'm taking summer school
I'm back working
I joined a Gym
me
Friday, May 23, 2008
sore excuse
I haven't written in a long time
my apologies
finals, moving home, getting ready for Russia, and things with K have kept me busy
now I'm on to summer school and work and more preparations for Russia
when I manage to find some free time I'll do a real update
I know that's a sore excuse because all you superb bloggers out there have very little free time
but, nonetheless...
me
positive thought of the day: i spent time with my cousins watching the new indiana jones movie
my apologies
finals, moving home, getting ready for Russia, and things with K have kept me busy
now I'm on to summer school and work and more preparations for Russia
when I manage to find some free time I'll do a real update
I know that's a sore excuse because all you superb bloggers out there have very little free time
but, nonetheless...
me
positive thought of the day: i spent time with my cousins watching the new indiana jones movie
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Lucky
Do you ever have a moment when you realize how lucky you are? Well, I did just the other day.
I live in a unique building on our campus. It's composed of three wings - the north and south wing are dorms and the middle wing is apartments. I live in the middle wing and everything is completely enclosed. Our campus is kept impeccably clean. You rarely see people cleaning - it's sorta like there's Ooompa Loompas or something wandering around. The hallway in front of my front door is usually pretty messy in the afternoon - those 'red cups,' crumpled homework, and miscellaneous junk food wrappers are strewn across the floor. When I leave in the morning though the floor is clear and the carpet is vacuumed neatly in one direction. My apartment is the first apartment in the hallway so I can usually hear whoever it is start to vacuum in the morning when I get ready, but by the time I leave for class they've magically disappeared.
On the days I actually do sleep in my own room and of those days which I do actually get up and go to class (I'll speak more on that in a bit...), I usually leave with enough time to get to class. The other morning I was really late; apparently so were the hallway cleaning Oompa Loompas. There was a woman vacuuming the hallway very fervently with her head down. When I opened my door she looked up, smiled, and said Good morning to me (which I think they're like required to do or something based on some chauvinistic rule our school may have). She looked me straight in the eye and my world literally froze - she was me. Now it wasn't an ACTUAL sci-fi moment; she was Mexican and I was Caucasian, she was wearing a uniform and I was wearing a baby doll dress, she was carrying a backpack vacuum and I was carrying a backpack filled with textbooks and papers. But this girl was easily 19 or 20...just like me.
Anyhow, it all made me realize so much. How lucky am I - how lucky are each of us in our own unique way? I am going to a University that tuition alone for just one year could bring water to a third world country. I own more than 12 pairs of jeans , 20 dresses, too many shirts and too many shoes and gallons of perfume - when am I ever going to actually wear all that crap? I have my own laptop, my own cell phone, my own mp3 player, my own digital camera - none of which do I think twice about the batteries/bills/insurance. And these are just material things that I'm blessed with. I'm blessed with an amazing family and a girlfriend who loves me so much. Now I don't know jack about the girl in the hallway; for all I know, she could vacuum college dorm rooms as a hobby and actually take in 120K a year on her own. But it was the principle of the whole thing - there are people out there who don't have anything close to what I have.
That was just the start of it all.
Let's rewind just a tiny bit and let me give you some background on how my semester has been so far. First half before spring break was pretty decent - I skipped a few classes here and there; had a rough patch with one assignment. After spring break I pretty much STOPPED going to class. I came up with countless excuses like I had caught mono from K or I was throwing up or I over-slept. Basically though I just slept all the time - missing classes, work, and appointments. The only real explanation I have is that I had been off my meds for a bit and my depression had kicked in and I just wanted to "sleep life away," if that makes sense. Sometimes I would sleep in K's room which is closer to campus which I had hoped would motivate me to get going in the morning. That plan failed. Sleeping in my own room was just disaster because I would obviously just sleep in.
Well, this past Wednesday I skipped class as usual. I missed a test as I had done before in this class and later in the day went out and gallivanted with K (while missing work). Today I decided to actually GO to class. The teacher sorta just stared me down as I walked in and spoke to me in front of the whole class. In so many words she told me she was kicking me out of her class. I wanted to cry. However, she said I might have one last chance and if I staid in class today she'd talk to the department head about what had become my 'case.' Believe you me I staid and I went to my next class.
Basically, with all this I've realized I take so much for granted. I play so many people for fools and I always take the easy way out. I'm always making excuses. I think I finally realized I'm in the real world. I'm going to be going to a very 'harsh' and 'real' country in a couple months and if I don't shape up now, who knows what they'll do to me there. I can't fix the past - what's done is done. However I am going to make things right with my teachers, work, and my friends. This time I'm going to tell them the truth and make no excuses. If there is no explanation for my actions, I'll tell them so and suffer the consequences. I have to start acting my age. I want to turn 20 and actually be an adult. I also realized I spend way too much time with K. That has got to change. I don't know if I'm going to break up with her, I don't know if she's 'the one,' I don't know a lot of things - my feelings change everyday which to me sorta says I'm not sure. My mother who is my best friend always told me when you're not sure don't do it. For now, I'll just go day by day - I won't break any hearts; I won't buy any wedding dresses.
Lastly K and I got to meet Julie Andrews tonight. I asked Julie what her favorite piece of advice was. I will leave you with that this evening to ponder, as it will be what I am pondering as I slumber. Julie's words of advice? "When in doubt - stand still."
me
Positive Thought of the Day: my past no longer defines me; it is a part of me as is my future - the only thing that defines me is what I make of the now...I realize this now
I live in a unique building on our campus. It's composed of three wings - the north and south wing are dorms and the middle wing is apartments. I live in the middle wing and everything is completely enclosed. Our campus is kept impeccably clean. You rarely see people cleaning - it's sorta like there's Ooompa Loompas or something wandering around. The hallway in front of my front door is usually pretty messy in the afternoon - those 'red cups,' crumpled homework, and miscellaneous junk food wrappers are strewn across the floor. When I leave in the morning though the floor is clear and the carpet is vacuumed neatly in one direction. My apartment is the first apartment in the hallway so I can usually hear whoever it is start to vacuum in the morning when I get ready, but by the time I leave for class they've magically disappeared.
On the days I actually do sleep in my own room and of those days which I do actually get up and go to class (I'll speak more on that in a bit...), I usually leave with enough time to get to class. The other morning I was really late; apparently so were the hallway cleaning Oompa Loompas. There was a woman vacuuming the hallway very fervently with her head down. When I opened my door she looked up, smiled, and said Good morning to me (which I think they're like required to do or something based on some chauvinistic rule our school may have). She looked me straight in the eye and my world literally froze - she was me. Now it wasn't an ACTUAL sci-fi moment; she was Mexican and I was Caucasian, she was wearing a uniform and I was wearing a baby doll dress, she was carrying a backpack vacuum and I was carrying a backpack filled with textbooks and papers. But this girl was easily 19 or 20...just like me.
Anyhow, it all made me realize so much. How lucky am I - how lucky are each of us in our own unique way? I am going to a University that tuition alone for just one year could bring water to a third world country. I own more than 12 pairs of jeans , 20 dresses, too many shirts and too many shoes and gallons of perfume - when am I ever going to actually wear all that crap? I have my own laptop, my own cell phone, my own mp3 player, my own digital camera - none of which do I think twice about the batteries/bills/insurance. And these are just material things that I'm blessed with. I'm blessed with an amazing family and a girlfriend who loves me so much. Now I don't know jack about the girl in the hallway; for all I know, she could vacuum college dorm rooms as a hobby and actually take in 120K a year on her own. But it was the principle of the whole thing - there are people out there who don't have anything close to what I have.
That was just the start of it all.
Let's rewind just a tiny bit and let me give you some background on how my semester has been so far. First half before spring break was pretty decent - I skipped a few classes here and there; had a rough patch with one assignment. After spring break I pretty much STOPPED going to class. I came up with countless excuses like I had caught mono from K or I was throwing up or I over-slept. Basically though I just slept all the time - missing classes, work, and appointments. The only real explanation I have is that I had been off my meds for a bit and my depression had kicked in and I just wanted to "sleep life away," if that makes sense. Sometimes I would sleep in K's room which is closer to campus which I had hoped would motivate me to get going in the morning. That plan failed. Sleeping in my own room was just disaster because I would obviously just sleep in.
Well, this past Wednesday I skipped class as usual. I missed a test as I had done before in this class and later in the day went out and gallivanted with K (while missing work). Today I decided to actually GO to class. The teacher sorta just stared me down as I walked in and spoke to me in front of the whole class. In so many words she told me she was kicking me out of her class. I wanted to cry. However, she said I might have one last chance and if I staid in class today she'd talk to the department head about what had become my 'case.' Believe you me I staid and I went to my next class.
Basically, with all this I've realized I take so much for granted. I play so many people for fools and I always take the easy way out. I'm always making excuses. I think I finally realized I'm in the real world. I'm going to be going to a very 'harsh' and 'real' country in a couple months and if I don't shape up now, who knows what they'll do to me there. I can't fix the past - what's done is done. However I am going to make things right with my teachers, work, and my friends. This time I'm going to tell them the truth and make no excuses. If there is no explanation for my actions, I'll tell them so and suffer the consequences. I have to start acting my age. I want to turn 20 and actually be an adult. I also realized I spend way too much time with K. That has got to change. I don't know if I'm going to break up with her, I don't know if she's 'the one,' I don't know a lot of things - my feelings change everyday which to me sorta says I'm not sure. My mother who is my best friend always told me when you're not sure don't do it. For now, I'll just go day by day - I won't break any hearts; I won't buy any wedding dresses.
Lastly K and I got to meet Julie Andrews tonight. I asked Julie what her favorite piece of advice was. I will leave you with that this evening to ponder, as it will be what I am pondering as I slumber. Julie's words of advice? "When in doubt - stand still."
me
Positive Thought of the Day: my past no longer defines me; it is a part of me as is my future - the only thing that defines me is what I make of the now...I realize this now
Friday, April 11, 2008
Mood Swings
It was so long ago but I never summed up...
My New England Adventure
After my last post on my trip, the following took place:
Tuesday: Walked along the coast of RI, picked up my cousin from daycare, relaxed
Wednesday: Visited "The Breakers" mansion - the Vanderbilt family summer home, went shopping, saw "Penelope"
Thursday: Went to a few bookstores, bought the new 'Curve' with Dani on the cover, moved my stuff from one cousin's house to another, met my other cousin at her 'home', went out to dinner at this fancy chop suey place and caught chicken on my head that was flown at me, bonded with my cousin and watched 'Jacob'...boring movie
Friday: Did Ukranian egg dying and had dinner with the whole family
Saturday: Visited NYC! Saw the empire state building, fashion avenue, the statue of liberty, ellis island, and time square - ate lunch at this fancy rib place
Sunday: Easter...had lunch with the family then flew home
The Girlfriend
Talk about serious drama. Have you ever really, really liked someone but just not 'felt it' anymore? I don't even get why I'm feeling this way; it's like I'm having a major mood swing - one second I want to have her babies and the next I just want to be friends. I'm too much of a coward though to tell her. I sorta kind of tried breaking up with her but it just turned into us fighting then talking then going to our own rooms then fighting then talking then going to our own rooms then crying then fooling around then pretending everything was ok. My therapist thinks it's because I was off my meds and I'm having mood swings; my academic adviser thinks I should end it; my mom thinks I'm too young for love in the first place...any thoughts?
Practically Perfect in Every Way
So my worship of false idols pretty much goes like this - Audrey Hepburn, Julie Andrews, all other humans. Seeing as I won't get to meet my ultimate idol...I literally cried when I found out Julie Andrews would be in the area on the 8th. K and I skipped school to see her. However - K and I fought about when to get there and we ended up getting there too late. They cut the line off about 10 people before us. I was devastated. K is trying to make it up to me by taking me to another of Julie's book signings in Beverly Hills next Friday. Let's hope this time I get to actually meet her and tell her how much Mary Poppins impacted my fragile childhood.
Clothesline
So there's a group on our campus called CARES - creating a rape-free environment for students. Periodically they bring this event to campus called "clothesline" in which literal clotheslines are set up around the campus and hundreds of shirts are hung up. Each shirt is unique as people have made them to reflect their experiences. Each color shirt means something:
White -- Women who have been murdered as a result of sexual or domestic violence.
Red, pink or orange -- Women who have been raped or sexually assaulted
Yellow or beige -- Women who have been battered
Blue or green -- Women survivors of incest or child sexual abuse
Purple or lavender -- Women attacked because they were or were thought to be lesbian
I used to work with CARES every once in a great while last semester so I decided to make a shirt. I picked a shirt (if you're wondering...I'm a blue) and decorated it. I was so proud when I was finished and felt like i had brought a tiny bit more of closure to my situation. I know there are things I will never forget - things that will always just totally suck, but attempting to bring closure to them helps. Anyhow, I couldn't get a picture of it up because it had to dry so I'll describe it to you: In blue glitter glue I wrote in cursive "They said I was too young to remember." Then underneath in black sharpie in all messy capital letters I wrote "But I will never forget what you did to me." I was very proud of myself.
In other news, my mom was in town for a while. I can honestly say with my whole heart my mom is my best friend. I love when she comes to visit. She is the most amazing and strongest woman I know. I wouldn't be alive today without her. Everyone tell your Mom(s) and/or Dad(s) or whoevers that you love them - let's be thankful for the precious people in our lives today!
me
Positive Thought of the Day: I'm starting to get my life back in order - homework is shaping up, I'm working out more, eating healthier, and working on my emotions :)
My New England Adventure
After my last post on my trip, the following took place:
Tuesday: Walked along the coast of RI, picked up my cousin from daycare, relaxed
Wednesday: Visited "The Breakers" mansion - the Vanderbilt family summer home, went shopping, saw "Penelope"
Thursday: Went to a few bookstores, bought the new 'Curve' with Dani on the cover, moved my stuff from one cousin's house to another, met my other cousin at her 'home', went out to dinner at this fancy chop suey place and caught chicken on my head that was flown at me, bonded with my cousin and watched 'Jacob'...boring movie
Friday: Did Ukranian egg dying and had dinner with the whole family
Saturday: Visited NYC! Saw the empire state building, fashion avenue, the statue of liberty, ellis island, and time square - ate lunch at this fancy rib place
Sunday: Easter...had lunch with the family then flew home
The Girlfriend
Talk about serious drama. Have you ever really, really liked someone but just not 'felt it' anymore? I don't even get why I'm feeling this way; it's like I'm having a major mood swing - one second I want to have her babies and the next I just want to be friends. I'm too much of a coward though to tell her. I sorta kind of tried breaking up with her but it just turned into us fighting then talking then going to our own rooms then fighting then talking then going to our own rooms then crying then fooling around then pretending everything was ok. My therapist thinks it's because I was off my meds and I'm having mood swings; my academic adviser thinks I should end it; my mom thinks I'm too young for love in the first place...any thoughts?
Practically Perfect in Every Way
So my worship of false idols pretty much goes like this - Audrey Hepburn, Julie Andrews, all other humans. Seeing as I won't get to meet my ultimate idol...I literally cried when I found out Julie Andrews would be in the area on the 8th. K and I skipped school to see her. However - K and I fought about when to get there and we ended up getting there too late. They cut the line off about 10 people before us. I was devastated. K is trying to make it up to me by taking me to another of Julie's book signings in Beverly Hills next Friday. Let's hope this time I get to actually meet her and tell her how much Mary Poppins impacted my fragile childhood.
Clothesline
So there's a group on our campus called CARES - creating a rape-free environment for students. Periodically they bring this event to campus called "clothesline" in which literal clotheslines are set up around the campus and hundreds of shirts are hung up. Each shirt is unique as people have made them to reflect their experiences. Each color shirt means something:
White -- Women who have been murdered as a result of sexual or domestic violence.
Red, pink or orange -- Women who have been raped or sexually assaulted
Yellow or beige -- Women who have been battered
Blue or green -- Women survivors of incest or child sexual abuse
Purple or lavender -- Women attacked because they were or were thought to be lesbian
I used to work with CARES every once in a great while last semester so I decided to make a shirt. I picked a shirt (if you're wondering...I'm a blue) and decorated it. I was so proud when I was finished and felt like i had brought a tiny bit more of closure to my situation. I know there are things I will never forget - things that will always just totally suck, but attempting to bring closure to them helps. Anyhow, I couldn't get a picture of it up because it had to dry so I'll describe it to you: In blue glitter glue I wrote in cursive "They said I was too young to remember." Then underneath in black sharpie in all messy capital letters I wrote "But I will never forget what you did to me." I was very proud of myself.
In other news, my mom was in town for a while. I can honestly say with my whole heart my mom is my best friend. I love when she comes to visit. She is the most amazing and strongest woman I know. I wouldn't be alive today without her. Everyone tell your Mom(s) and/or Dad(s) or whoevers that you love them - let's be thankful for the precious people in our lives today!
me
Positive Thought of the Day: I'm starting to get my life back in order - homework is shaping up, I'm working out more, eating healthier, and working on my emotions :)
Monday, April 7, 2008
Update
So I haven't written in a while. I'll write much more later. I just wanted to check in and say me and K are doing ok...school is decent...I'm off to Russia in a few months..aaaaaaaaand-I MEET JULIE ANDREWS TOMORROW!
me
positive thought of the day: I had an amazing visit with my mom...oh! and I turn 20 in 22 days!
me
positive thought of the day: I had an amazing visit with my mom...oh! and I turn 20 in 22 days!
Thursday, March 20, 2008
baby, be patient
"To really love a woman let her hold you till you know how she needs to be touched. You've gotta breathe her, really taste her, till you can feel her in your blood. Then, when you can see your unborn children in her eyes, you know you really love a woman." - Unknown (Well maybe it's known but I saw it on some woman's blog and it wasn't quoted)
I really like that quote, but I can't help but feel totally and utterly impatient. I don't even turn 20 for another 5 weeks. I'm still a teenager. But I've wanted children for as far back as I can remember. And I'm with K. And I love her. I'm in love with her. It's not infatuation or obsession or attraction - I've known those feelings before. I'm listening to this song right now by Avalon called "Testify to Love" and while the meaning is sorta different, I can't help but put it into any other words-I can testify to this love I have for K. I want to have her children. But alas the impatience - we've only been together 3 months.
First off though, you know how I know I love her? She doesn't 'make' me happy. Let me explain. I took this interpersonal comm studies class and my professor explained to the class that one of the number one reasons for divorce was that couples cited that their partner didn't 'make' them happy anymore. The thing is, it's not the other person's responsibility to make you happy. If anything, happiness should be a byproduct of the relationship. And that's what it's like for me and K. I'm happy on my own - I'm content with the life I lead and I like the individual I am. Being with K just makes me even happier.
I love her because we share the same dreams. I knew she was special when I was in her room for the very first time. I saw a picture of her brother who's adopted. Then I saw another picture of two other children who looked like her brother. I asked if they were her siblings also. She said no - they were 'her' kids. I was taken aback - she had kids already? Then she explained she sponsored two kids and it was her dream to someday go and live with them across the world. I was blown out of the water. I have dreamed of doing something like that for so long yet I'd never actually acted on it. (btw...if you want to hear something quasi related to this subject that's h-i-l-a-r-i-o-u-s, download Dane Cook's "15 cents" ...moving on). We talk frequently about the dreams we share and it's almost spooky how similar they are.
I love her because she inspires me to be a better person. I want to get into better shape and eat healthier and pray more and curse less and all kinds of other things. For example, lets first make a ridiculously long and over-personal story short -I used to be an addict to something very dangerous. I haven't given in to my addiction since I've been with K and I don't even think about it...it doesn't even tiptoe across my mind anymore. Part of that I've done on my own; part of that I've done with help from K.
I seriously want to tell everyone I meet that I am in love with this amazing woman. For K, this is her first everything - kiss, relationship, 'time,' etc...because of her faith she doesn't feel we should...well, for lack of a better word - 'do it.' Now, the average American sleeps with 11 people in their lifetime - let's just say I'm above average. On top of that, I've been in a handful of relationships. Either way, I've been with people (both men and women) who felt they weren't ready to take a certain step yet. The old me - the me that didn't have a clue who I was, who was afraid to be alone, who still let her Daddy issues bother her, who slept around, who was a major pessimist - she would've pushed K away. But now? I would wait forever for K. If she told me she'd spend the rest of her life with me but without sex I think I'd say yes (I say 'think' because I'm not actually in that situation and can't speak for myself then). There's still ONE thing I haven't done with a woman and K knows that and she says with that in mind and the fact that I respect her so much - she still considers me a 'gold star' in her eyes.
Soooooooooooooo...what's the problem you ask? Well, how can I feel this way? Is it because at such a young age I've already been around the block a countless amount of times, experiencing shit some 40 year olds are still clueless to? Now don't get me wrong - I'm not complaining; I think everyone bares their own cross and some are harder than others and some are easier than others but whatever the case we're given what we can handle. Basically, don't get in a huff thinking that I'm calling myself some hero for dealing with crap.
I don't seem to be making progress with this blog. Why don't I start just listing questions I have. Maybe something will start to make sense. People have high school sweet hearts - is it possible to have a college sweet heart? Will K and I really last? What if she doesn't even feel the same way - I think she does. :/ See, the thing is I really think things are going to last because, like the quote says, I can see my unborn child in her eyes. This is basically why I'm writing this blog tonight. I've been reading dozens of couples' TTC blogs and I have so much respect and admiration for these women. I realize most all of them have been together for a long time and only recently TTC'd (I don't know if I used that acronym correctly...so shoot me if I didn't). If anything, my biggest question that I have is this -
Why do I already feel so passionately about having children with K?
some sub-questions would be: did any of you couples ever feel like that when you were first starting out? is something wrong...am i doing something wrong? I'm so confused. Someone please help just for a sec.
me
Positive Thought of the Day: I bonded with my cousin and now I get to sleep :)
I really like that quote, but I can't help but feel totally and utterly impatient. I don't even turn 20 for another 5 weeks. I'm still a teenager. But I've wanted children for as far back as I can remember. And I'm with K. And I love her. I'm in love with her. It's not infatuation or obsession or attraction - I've known those feelings before. I'm listening to this song right now by Avalon called "Testify to Love" and while the meaning is sorta different, I can't help but put it into any other words-I can testify to this love I have for K. I want to have her children. But alas the impatience - we've only been together 3 months.
First off though, you know how I know I love her? She doesn't 'make' me happy. Let me explain. I took this interpersonal comm studies class and my professor explained to the class that one of the number one reasons for divorce was that couples cited that their partner didn't 'make' them happy anymore. The thing is, it's not the other person's responsibility to make you happy. If anything, happiness should be a byproduct of the relationship. And that's what it's like for me and K. I'm happy on my own - I'm content with the life I lead and I like the individual I am. Being with K just makes me even happier.
I love her because we share the same dreams. I knew she was special when I was in her room for the very first time. I saw a picture of her brother who's adopted. Then I saw another picture of two other children who looked like her brother. I asked if they were her siblings also. She said no - they were 'her' kids. I was taken aback - she had kids already? Then she explained she sponsored two kids and it was her dream to someday go and live with them across the world. I was blown out of the water. I have dreamed of doing something like that for so long yet I'd never actually acted on it. (btw...if you want to hear something quasi related to this subject that's h-i-l-a-r-i-o-u-s, download Dane Cook's "15 cents" ...moving on). We talk frequently about the dreams we share and it's almost spooky how similar they are.
I love her because she inspires me to be a better person. I want to get into better shape and eat healthier and pray more and curse less and all kinds of other things. For example, lets first make a ridiculously long and over-personal story short -I used to be an addict to something very dangerous. I haven't given in to my addiction since I've been with K and I don't even think about it...it doesn't even tiptoe across my mind anymore. Part of that I've done on my own; part of that I've done with help from K.
I seriously want to tell everyone I meet that I am in love with this amazing woman. For K, this is her first everything - kiss, relationship, 'time,' etc...because of her faith she doesn't feel we should...well, for lack of a better word - 'do it.' Now, the average American sleeps with 11 people in their lifetime - let's just say I'm above average. On top of that, I've been in a handful of relationships. Either way, I've been with people (both men and women) who felt they weren't ready to take a certain step yet. The old me - the me that didn't have a clue who I was, who was afraid to be alone, who still let her Daddy issues bother her, who slept around, who was a major pessimist - she would've pushed K away. But now? I would wait forever for K. If she told me she'd spend the rest of her life with me but without sex I think I'd say yes (I say 'think' because I'm not actually in that situation and can't speak for myself then). There's still ONE thing I haven't done with a woman and K knows that and she says with that in mind and the fact that I respect her so much - she still considers me a 'gold star' in her eyes.
Soooooooooooooo...what's the problem you ask? Well, how can I feel this way? Is it because at such a young age I've already been around the block a countless amount of times, experiencing shit some 40 year olds are still clueless to? Now don't get me wrong - I'm not complaining; I think everyone bares their own cross and some are harder than others and some are easier than others but whatever the case we're given what we can handle. Basically, don't get in a huff thinking that I'm calling myself some hero for dealing with crap.
I don't seem to be making progress with this blog. Why don't I start just listing questions I have. Maybe something will start to make sense. People have high school sweet hearts - is it possible to have a college sweet heart? Will K and I really last? What if she doesn't even feel the same way - I think she does. :/ See, the thing is I really think things are going to last because, like the quote says, I can see my unborn child in her eyes. This is basically why I'm writing this blog tonight. I've been reading dozens of couples' TTC blogs and I have so much respect and admiration for these women. I realize most all of them have been together for a long time and only recently TTC'd (I don't know if I used that acronym correctly...so shoot me if I didn't). If anything, my biggest question that I have is this -
Why do I already feel so passionately about having children with K?
some sub-questions would be: did any of you couples ever feel like that when you were first starting out? is something wrong...am i doing something wrong? I'm so confused. Someone please help just for a sec.
me
Positive Thought of the Day: I bonded with my cousin and now I get to sleep :)
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Helpless...Again
K is sick again.
She went to the ER today for the fourth time in the past two weeks.
I'm thousands of miles away from her - utterly helpless.
Not that I could do anything if I was with her..but still.
It's so hard to 'let go and let God' as one blogger suggested.
I know for a fact - I am truly and completely in love with K.
She means the world to me.
I just want her to be ok.
Today wasn't much of an adventure - Woke up at 11; took a walk on the shore; drove around town; picked up my cousin from pre-school; showered; shopped; ate and now I'm here. Tomorrow we're touring this big mansion and doing some shopping.
me
She went to the ER today for the fourth time in the past two weeks.
I'm thousands of miles away from her - utterly helpless.
Not that I could do anything if I was with her..but still.
It's so hard to 'let go and let God' as one blogger suggested.
I know for a fact - I am truly and completely in love with K.
She means the world to me.
I just want her to be ok.
Today wasn't much of an adventure - Woke up at 11; took a walk on the shore; drove around town; picked up my cousin from pre-school; showered; shopped; ate and now I'm here. Tomorrow we're touring this big mansion and doing some shopping.
me
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