...I do NOT go around questioning your heterosexuality. So I'd really freakin appreciate it if you stopped questioning my homosexuality. Even if it is a phase, that's none of your damn business. I'm am going to LOVE and have SEX and KISS and HOLD HANDS and CHECK OUT whoever I frickin want. I REPEAT...I do NOT question you...so would EVERYONE just STOP questioning me?! I have enough going on...
URGH I AM SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Friday, August 8, 2008
The Bee by the Bathroom
My bathroom here at home has a window high above the shower that faces our front yard. We recently dug up our rock bed that was underneath that window and put some soil and hibiscus in there. Ever since the flowers bloomed, our front yard has been full of bees. In the past few weeks when I was in the bathroom I'd hear a buzzing sound so I assumed some bees were building (word choice?) a hive outside my bathroom window. I thought it dangerous for my younger cousins if the hive were to fall and bees go everywhere, so I planned on eventually going out there and spraying the crap out of it with RAID.
This morning on my way to the car with my mom, my mom goes "Oh look, the Mama bee is dead." I was wondering how she had decided it was a "Mama bee" when I noticed it had an egg sack attached to it. The bee was all crumpled up in the middle of our garage, far from the growing hive.
I got in the car and to my surprise I started to cry. I don't know what bothered me about it so much but I was devastated at the loss of this bee! Now don't get me wrong, I am a big animal lover - we have so many pets at home and I would be a zoologist if I wasn't so bad at science, but I don't usually just break into tears when I see insects dead.
I thought more about it and I realized - what if it had to do with the fact that it was a Mama Bee (a Queen bee)? I certainly have a recognized, extreme fear of my own children dying let alone a fear I will never be able to have children some day.
One thing you should understand is I have this re-occuring dream whenever my life gets a certain way. The dream takes on different settings and supporting characters but it's always basically the same: me having a baby. Eventually, it always ends the same. The baby dies right after it's born. I always wake up crying from these dreams. Whenever I have a dream like this my life is usually out of control. What I'm wondering now is - what's out of control???
R.I.P. Mama Bee
-me
Positive Thought of the Day- I have a DATE tomorrow :D
This morning on my way to the car with my mom, my mom goes "Oh look, the Mama bee is dead." I was wondering how she had decided it was a "Mama bee" when I noticed it had an egg sack attached to it. The bee was all crumpled up in the middle of our garage, far from the growing hive.
I got in the car and to my surprise I started to cry. I don't know what bothered me about it so much but I was devastated at the loss of this bee! Now don't get me wrong, I am a big animal lover - we have so many pets at home and I would be a zoologist if I wasn't so bad at science, but I don't usually just break into tears when I see insects dead.
I thought more about it and I realized - what if it had to do with the fact that it was a Mama Bee (a Queen bee)? I certainly have a recognized, extreme fear of my own children dying let alone a fear I will never be able to have children some day.
One thing you should understand is I have this re-occuring dream whenever my life gets a certain way. The dream takes on different settings and supporting characters but it's always basically the same: me having a baby. Eventually, it always ends the same. The baby dies right after it's born. I always wake up crying from these dreams. Whenever I have a dream like this my life is usually out of control. What I'm wondering now is - what's out of control???
R.I.P. Mama Bee
-me
Positive Thought of the Day- I have a DATE tomorrow :D
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Weekend (almost) Update
I'm a really bad blogger...I do not pay attention to my commenting subscribers and I never update. So here I am doing a update for the past month or so
-I started a new blog for all my travels. Check it out on my profile
-I broke up with K...for the last time. We haven't been talking much but we're still friends.
-I finished my first summer session and now I'm in the second one (not doing as well; first session I got an A...this session I've been absent a lot) taking Social Deviants.
-I leave for Russia in 27 days, California in only 20
-I've been working a couple days a week; I love my job :)
-I started going to the gym every morning then I got sick and stopped...I think I'll go back a few times before I leave.
-I saw 'Wanted' 'The X-Files' and 'Mamma Mia' ...so so, good, and very good
-I've been hanging out with my family a lot.
-My cousin had her baby. He's sooo adorable. I've been hanging out with her family a lot and improving my parenting skills...hehe (no no no, no kids coming for me any time soon)
Other than that, everything is pretty much the same
I hope everyone is doing well. I hope to be keeping up with you all more :)
-me
Positive Thought of the Day: I went swimming with all my cousins for like an hour today. It was the most fun I've had all summer.
-I started a new blog for all my travels. Check it out on my profile
-I broke up with K...for the last time. We haven't been talking much but we're still friends.
-I finished my first summer session and now I'm in the second one (not doing as well; first session I got an A...this session I've been absent a lot) taking Social Deviants.
-I leave for Russia in 27 days, California in only 20
-I've been working a couple days a week; I love my job :)
-I started going to the gym every morning then I got sick and stopped...I think I'll go back a few times before I leave.
-I saw 'Wanted' 'The X-Files' and 'Mamma Mia' ...so so, good, and very good
-I've been hanging out with my family a lot.
-My cousin had her baby. He's sooo adorable. I've been hanging out with her family a lot and improving my parenting skills...hehe (no no no, no kids coming for me any time soon)
Other than that, everything is pretty much the same
I hope everyone is doing well. I hope to be keeping up with you all more :)
-me
Positive Thought of the Day: I went swimming with all my cousins for like an hour today. It was the most fun I've had all summer.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Never Have I Ever...
...walked out of a movie. Tonight I did.
One of my Best Friends came home on Saturday and we finally got to hang out tonight. We decided to go and see "The Happening" at the mall near my house. We did some catch up as we ate snacks and ignored lame previews. Then, the movie started. From the first second I knew it was bad. And I don't mean bad like "Meet the Spartans" bad...I mean that movie was just dumb but I even sat through that. But "The Happening" was downright awful - we walked out and I was trembling and in tears. WARNING: the following contains spoilers for the movie.
In the first two minutes of the movie it shows a woman stabbing herself. A minute later you watch a few dozen men jumping off buildings and falling to there death as they break their necks. The story line unfolds and you find out there is an airborne toxin that is inhibiting our "self preservation" neurotoxins - in other words, it's causing people to kill themselves. Next you see a woman gouge out her jugular with her car keys. Then you see a cop shoot his brains out; a man watches then gets out of his car, grabs the same gun and shoots HIS brains out. A woman is looking on, walks over and grabs the SAME gun and shoots her brains out. Next the main characters get seperated and one is driving through this small town. Two of the characters see a video sent via blackberry of a man feeding himself to the lions at a local zoo and they show the man being eaten alive. Then they come upon a tree trimming truck but it's abandoned. Further up the road, the half dozen tree trimmers have hung themselves in the trees they were trimming. The toxin is obviously in the air now and so the one main character is in a car full of people who are talking and suddenly get a glazed look over their face and stop the car. Suddenly they rev the cars engine and crash it full speed into a tree - all the bodies tumble out in unnatural positions. The main character is the only one to survive, gets out, grabs a piece of the broken windshield and stabs himself in the neck. The rest of the main characters are in another part of town and drive upon something in the road. They use binoculars to see that it is a massive pile of bodies.
I had been contemplating leaving ever since I saw the hangings, but the pile of bodies pushed me over the edge and I told my friend I was leaving with or without her. We ended up walking out with some people actually following us.
All of this happened within the first half hour of the movie. I couldn't bare to see what would happen if I stayed. I didn't want to see children killing themselves and I felt it may be coming. I don't know - I didn't stay. I have honestly NEVER ever walked out on a movie in my life. I give everything a fair chance no matter how crappy it may be. But this was downright wrong. How could you make a movie about something so inappropriate? I cried for an hour after I left. Some might say that makes me weak or weird but this movie literally shook me to the core.
I think I was so bothered by this film for two reasons. One - the movie SHOWED the people dying. I understand death is a natural process and I understand that it was JUST a movie but to show something so...not sacred, but what's the word....taboo? No...so, ineffable...I guess. To show it in such a disrespectful and careless way is just wrong. This leads to the second reasons why I was disturbed by this movie. I am someone who does not take things lightly and I especially value my life as I was once someone who took it for granted. I tried to take my own life twice in my existence and both times came very close to succeeding. To so casually portray death by those means just brought back the hell on earth I had experienced so long ago. I know it is the past but still it just really shook my core.
I honestly don't think I hope to achieve anything by writing this blog. I think I just needed it for cleansing sake. "The Happening," in my opinion is a terrible and awful movie and I will never see it again. It offended and terrified me.
In happier news, I'm home for the summer. I'm taking one sociology class at the main university in the morning and working at Gymbo in the afternoon (the clothing, not the play one). Im glad to be home with my family however I'm sad to be away from K and I feel really isolated here. Good practice for Russia I suppose.
On the news tonight I saw a gay couple from my state is getting married and having a baby. It just made me so happy to know that it was possible where I LIVED.
Oh, now I remember what I was going to write. I need money. No I'm not asking for handouts. But I was looking on craigslist for a second job and I read that they give 5k for egg donors. I first wanted to do it just because of the money but now I'm thinking more deeply about it - some day me and K or me and someone are going to depend on sperm donors to bring a child into this world. There are people out there doing there part to help make mine and K's dreams come true - should I do the same to help someone else's dreams come true? Here's what I've come up with:
Pros:
Helping a couple in need (esp. gay couples)
money (getting out of debt, spending money abroad, going to sorority sisters wedding this summer)
Cons:
I take medication
There could be a child of mine out there that I don't know
I'm not in the BEST of shape
any suggestions?
me
Positive Thought of the Day: I've started blogging again!
One of my Best Friends came home on Saturday and we finally got to hang out tonight. We decided to go and see "The Happening" at the mall near my house. We did some catch up as we ate snacks and ignored lame previews. Then, the movie started. From the first second I knew it was bad. And I don't mean bad like "Meet the Spartans" bad...I mean that movie was just dumb but I even sat through that. But "The Happening" was downright awful - we walked out and I was trembling and in tears. WARNING: the following contains spoilers for the movie.
In the first two minutes of the movie it shows a woman stabbing herself. A minute later you watch a few dozen men jumping off buildings and falling to there death as they break their necks. The story line unfolds and you find out there is an airborne toxin that is inhibiting our "self preservation" neurotoxins - in other words, it's causing people to kill themselves. Next you see a woman gouge out her jugular with her car keys. Then you see a cop shoot his brains out; a man watches then gets out of his car, grabs the same gun and shoots HIS brains out. A woman is looking on, walks over and grabs the SAME gun and shoots her brains out. Next the main characters get seperated and one is driving through this small town. Two of the characters see a video sent via blackberry of a man feeding himself to the lions at a local zoo and they show the man being eaten alive. Then they come upon a tree trimming truck but it's abandoned. Further up the road, the half dozen tree trimmers have hung themselves in the trees they were trimming. The toxin is obviously in the air now and so the one main character is in a car full of people who are talking and suddenly get a glazed look over their face and stop the car. Suddenly they rev the cars engine and crash it full speed into a tree - all the bodies tumble out in unnatural positions. The main character is the only one to survive, gets out, grabs a piece of the broken windshield and stabs himself in the neck. The rest of the main characters are in another part of town and drive upon something in the road. They use binoculars to see that it is a massive pile of bodies.
I had been contemplating leaving ever since I saw the hangings, but the pile of bodies pushed me over the edge and I told my friend I was leaving with or without her. We ended up walking out with some people actually following us.
All of this happened within the first half hour of the movie. I couldn't bare to see what would happen if I stayed. I didn't want to see children killing themselves and I felt it may be coming. I don't know - I didn't stay. I have honestly NEVER ever walked out on a movie in my life. I give everything a fair chance no matter how crappy it may be. But this was downright wrong. How could you make a movie about something so inappropriate? I cried for an hour after I left. Some might say that makes me weak or weird but this movie literally shook me to the core.
I think I was so bothered by this film for two reasons. One - the movie SHOWED the people dying. I understand death is a natural process and I understand that it was JUST a movie but to show something so...not sacred, but what's the word....taboo? No...so, ineffable...I guess. To show it in such a disrespectful and careless way is just wrong. This leads to the second reasons why I was disturbed by this movie. I am someone who does not take things lightly and I especially value my life as I was once someone who took it for granted. I tried to take my own life twice in my existence and both times came very close to succeeding. To so casually portray death by those means just brought back the hell on earth I had experienced so long ago. I know it is the past but still it just really shook my core.
I honestly don't think I hope to achieve anything by writing this blog. I think I just needed it for cleansing sake. "The Happening," in my opinion is a terrible and awful movie and I will never see it again. It offended and terrified me.
In happier news, I'm home for the summer. I'm taking one sociology class at the main university in the morning and working at Gymbo in the afternoon (the clothing, not the play one). Im glad to be home with my family however I'm sad to be away from K and I feel really isolated here. Good practice for Russia I suppose.
On the news tonight I saw a gay couple from my state is getting married and having a baby. It just made me so happy to know that it was possible where I LIVED.
Oh, now I remember what I was going to write. I need money. No I'm not asking for handouts. But I was looking on craigslist for a second job and I read that they give 5k for egg donors. I first wanted to do it just because of the money but now I'm thinking more deeply about it - some day me and K or me and someone are going to depend on sperm donors to bring a child into this world. There are people out there doing there part to help make mine and K's dreams come true - should I do the same to help someone else's dreams come true? Here's what I've come up with:
Pros:
Helping a couple in need (esp. gay couples)
money (getting out of debt, spending money abroad, going to sorority sisters wedding this summer)
Cons:
I take medication
There could be a child of mine out there that I don't know
I'm not in the BEST of shape
any suggestions?
me
Positive Thought of the Day: I've started blogging again!
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
PLEEE-HEEEE-EEEEZZ
If you read this (I don't think many people do...I'm not very communicative with comments, etc. ... it's summer now though so I plan on blogging more), I really need your support. And if you have the time, I'd love it if you passed this on to your friends. I need your votes on this contest because, as some of you know, I'm studying abroad this upcoming school year. I'll be in Russia in the winter and in South Africa for that hemisphere's winter as well. However, I go to school and live in very warm and humid climates - I have no cold weather clothes. The prize for this contest is a $500 yes...five HUNDRED dollar gift card to Northface. I really need clothes for my travels that will withstand the weather I'm going to encounter. Thanks for your help.
Short update:
K and I are so so (ya, we're still together...even though we broke up twice)
I passed all my classes (barely for one)
I'm taking summer school
I'm back working
I joined a Gym
me
Short update:
K and I are so so (ya, we're still together...even though we broke up twice)
I passed all my classes (barely for one)
I'm taking summer school
I'm back working
I joined a Gym
me
Friday, May 23, 2008
sore excuse
I haven't written in a long time
my apologies
finals, moving home, getting ready for Russia, and things with K have kept me busy
now I'm on to summer school and work and more preparations for Russia
when I manage to find some free time I'll do a real update
I know that's a sore excuse because all you superb bloggers out there have very little free time
but, nonetheless...
me
positive thought of the day: i spent time with my cousins watching the new indiana jones movie
my apologies
finals, moving home, getting ready for Russia, and things with K have kept me busy
now I'm on to summer school and work and more preparations for Russia
when I manage to find some free time I'll do a real update
I know that's a sore excuse because all you superb bloggers out there have very little free time
but, nonetheless...
me
positive thought of the day: i spent time with my cousins watching the new indiana jones movie
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Lucky
Do you ever have a moment when you realize how lucky you are? Well, I did just the other day.
I live in a unique building on our campus. It's composed of three wings - the north and south wing are dorms and the middle wing is apartments. I live in the middle wing and everything is completely enclosed. Our campus is kept impeccably clean. You rarely see people cleaning - it's sorta like there's Ooompa Loompas or something wandering around. The hallway in front of my front door is usually pretty messy in the afternoon - those 'red cups,' crumpled homework, and miscellaneous junk food wrappers are strewn across the floor. When I leave in the morning though the floor is clear and the carpet is vacuumed neatly in one direction. My apartment is the first apartment in the hallway so I can usually hear whoever it is start to vacuum in the morning when I get ready, but by the time I leave for class they've magically disappeared.
On the days I actually do sleep in my own room and of those days which I do actually get up and go to class (I'll speak more on that in a bit...), I usually leave with enough time to get to class. The other morning I was really late; apparently so were the hallway cleaning Oompa Loompas. There was a woman vacuuming the hallway very fervently with her head down. When I opened my door she looked up, smiled, and said Good morning to me (which I think they're like required to do or something based on some chauvinistic rule our school may have). She looked me straight in the eye and my world literally froze - she was me. Now it wasn't an ACTUAL sci-fi moment; she was Mexican and I was Caucasian, she was wearing a uniform and I was wearing a baby doll dress, she was carrying a backpack vacuum and I was carrying a backpack filled with textbooks and papers. But this girl was easily 19 or 20...just like me.
Anyhow, it all made me realize so much. How lucky am I - how lucky are each of us in our own unique way? I am going to a University that tuition alone for just one year could bring water to a third world country. I own more than 12 pairs of jeans , 20 dresses, too many shirts and too many shoes and gallons of perfume - when am I ever going to actually wear all that crap? I have my own laptop, my own cell phone, my own mp3 player, my own digital camera - none of which do I think twice about the batteries/bills/insurance. And these are just material things that I'm blessed with. I'm blessed with an amazing family and a girlfriend who loves me so much. Now I don't know jack about the girl in the hallway; for all I know, she could vacuum college dorm rooms as a hobby and actually take in 120K a year on her own. But it was the principle of the whole thing - there are people out there who don't have anything close to what I have.
That was just the start of it all.
Let's rewind just a tiny bit and let me give you some background on how my semester has been so far. First half before spring break was pretty decent - I skipped a few classes here and there; had a rough patch with one assignment. After spring break I pretty much STOPPED going to class. I came up with countless excuses like I had caught mono from K or I was throwing up or I over-slept. Basically though I just slept all the time - missing classes, work, and appointments. The only real explanation I have is that I had been off my meds for a bit and my depression had kicked in and I just wanted to "sleep life away," if that makes sense. Sometimes I would sleep in K's room which is closer to campus which I had hoped would motivate me to get going in the morning. That plan failed. Sleeping in my own room was just disaster because I would obviously just sleep in.
Well, this past Wednesday I skipped class as usual. I missed a test as I had done before in this class and later in the day went out and gallivanted with K (while missing work). Today I decided to actually GO to class. The teacher sorta just stared me down as I walked in and spoke to me in front of the whole class. In so many words she told me she was kicking me out of her class. I wanted to cry. However, she said I might have one last chance and if I staid in class today she'd talk to the department head about what had become my 'case.' Believe you me I staid and I went to my next class.
Basically, with all this I've realized I take so much for granted. I play so many people for fools and I always take the easy way out. I'm always making excuses. I think I finally realized I'm in the real world. I'm going to be going to a very 'harsh' and 'real' country in a couple months and if I don't shape up now, who knows what they'll do to me there. I can't fix the past - what's done is done. However I am going to make things right with my teachers, work, and my friends. This time I'm going to tell them the truth and make no excuses. If there is no explanation for my actions, I'll tell them so and suffer the consequences. I have to start acting my age. I want to turn 20 and actually be an adult. I also realized I spend way too much time with K. That has got to change. I don't know if I'm going to break up with her, I don't know if she's 'the one,' I don't know a lot of things - my feelings change everyday which to me sorta says I'm not sure. My mother who is my best friend always told me when you're not sure don't do it. For now, I'll just go day by day - I won't break any hearts; I won't buy any wedding dresses.
Lastly K and I got to meet Julie Andrews tonight. I asked Julie what her favorite piece of advice was. I will leave you with that this evening to ponder, as it will be what I am pondering as I slumber. Julie's words of advice? "When in doubt - stand still."
me
Positive Thought of the Day: my past no longer defines me; it is a part of me as is my future - the only thing that defines me is what I make of the now...I realize this now
I live in a unique building on our campus. It's composed of three wings - the north and south wing are dorms and the middle wing is apartments. I live in the middle wing and everything is completely enclosed. Our campus is kept impeccably clean. You rarely see people cleaning - it's sorta like there's Ooompa Loompas or something wandering around. The hallway in front of my front door is usually pretty messy in the afternoon - those 'red cups,' crumpled homework, and miscellaneous junk food wrappers are strewn across the floor. When I leave in the morning though the floor is clear and the carpet is vacuumed neatly in one direction. My apartment is the first apartment in the hallway so I can usually hear whoever it is start to vacuum in the morning when I get ready, but by the time I leave for class they've magically disappeared.
On the days I actually do sleep in my own room and of those days which I do actually get up and go to class (I'll speak more on that in a bit...), I usually leave with enough time to get to class. The other morning I was really late; apparently so were the hallway cleaning Oompa Loompas. There was a woman vacuuming the hallway very fervently with her head down. When I opened my door she looked up, smiled, and said Good morning to me (which I think they're like required to do or something based on some chauvinistic rule our school may have). She looked me straight in the eye and my world literally froze - she was me. Now it wasn't an ACTUAL sci-fi moment; she was Mexican and I was Caucasian, she was wearing a uniform and I was wearing a baby doll dress, she was carrying a backpack vacuum and I was carrying a backpack filled with textbooks and papers. But this girl was easily 19 or 20...just like me.
Anyhow, it all made me realize so much. How lucky am I - how lucky are each of us in our own unique way? I am going to a University that tuition alone for just one year could bring water to a third world country. I own more than 12 pairs of jeans , 20 dresses, too many shirts and too many shoes and gallons of perfume - when am I ever going to actually wear all that crap? I have my own laptop, my own cell phone, my own mp3 player, my own digital camera - none of which do I think twice about the batteries/bills/insurance. And these are just material things that I'm blessed with. I'm blessed with an amazing family and a girlfriend who loves me so much. Now I don't know jack about the girl in the hallway; for all I know, she could vacuum college dorm rooms as a hobby and actually take in 120K a year on her own. But it was the principle of the whole thing - there are people out there who don't have anything close to what I have.
That was just the start of it all.
Let's rewind just a tiny bit and let me give you some background on how my semester has been so far. First half before spring break was pretty decent - I skipped a few classes here and there; had a rough patch with one assignment. After spring break I pretty much STOPPED going to class. I came up with countless excuses like I had caught mono from K or I was throwing up or I over-slept. Basically though I just slept all the time - missing classes, work, and appointments. The only real explanation I have is that I had been off my meds for a bit and my depression had kicked in and I just wanted to "sleep life away," if that makes sense. Sometimes I would sleep in K's room which is closer to campus which I had hoped would motivate me to get going in the morning. That plan failed. Sleeping in my own room was just disaster because I would obviously just sleep in.
Well, this past Wednesday I skipped class as usual. I missed a test as I had done before in this class and later in the day went out and gallivanted with K (while missing work). Today I decided to actually GO to class. The teacher sorta just stared me down as I walked in and spoke to me in front of the whole class. In so many words she told me she was kicking me out of her class. I wanted to cry. However, she said I might have one last chance and if I staid in class today she'd talk to the department head about what had become my 'case.' Believe you me I staid and I went to my next class.
Basically, with all this I've realized I take so much for granted. I play so many people for fools and I always take the easy way out. I'm always making excuses. I think I finally realized I'm in the real world. I'm going to be going to a very 'harsh' and 'real' country in a couple months and if I don't shape up now, who knows what they'll do to me there. I can't fix the past - what's done is done. However I am going to make things right with my teachers, work, and my friends. This time I'm going to tell them the truth and make no excuses. If there is no explanation for my actions, I'll tell them so and suffer the consequences. I have to start acting my age. I want to turn 20 and actually be an adult. I also realized I spend way too much time with K. That has got to change. I don't know if I'm going to break up with her, I don't know if she's 'the one,' I don't know a lot of things - my feelings change everyday which to me sorta says I'm not sure. My mother who is my best friend always told me when you're not sure don't do it. For now, I'll just go day by day - I won't break any hearts; I won't buy any wedding dresses.
Lastly K and I got to meet Julie Andrews tonight. I asked Julie what her favorite piece of advice was. I will leave you with that this evening to ponder, as it will be what I am pondering as I slumber. Julie's words of advice? "When in doubt - stand still."
me
Positive Thought of the Day: my past no longer defines me; it is a part of me as is my future - the only thing that defines me is what I make of the now...I realize this now
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