My Return to Blogging

My very close friend has returned to Africa and started a blog, and in turn inspired me to return to blogging. However, after I have perused Netflix, exhausted Facebook, and fiddled around here updating stuff - I have reached 2:43 am and think I shall finally retire. I will be back tomorrow and give you a real update!

Soapboxes, Snow, and Skivvies

So I just spent an hour writing a blog and I decided I didn't like it. So, I erased it. Hopefully you'll like this.

Currently I am listening to the playlist I made for K and myself to listen to when we are finally in each others arms again.

Mmmmyaa....So most people think from A to B; I think from A to Z and assume you understand what happened to B through Y. I just had an A to Z moment and I'm going to attempt to explain B through Y.
A: Playlist about me and K...
Z: ...I don't need to defend myself.
B through Y(a.k.a. the thought process that rapidly went on in my head): This blog has concentrated a great deal on the relationship between K and myself. Some may agree, some may not, with all the decisions and statements I have made. Part of me wants to lay things out for everyone and explain what went on and what's going on so people know where we're at now. I want to explain my flips and flops in emotion and my decisions and attempt to explain K's side of the story. I want to defend myself and our story. But I realized that if I truly love K and have faith in our love then that love will defend itself. It is ready to take your questions but it's not going to get up on a soap box and disclaim itself just because it's afraid of what you've thought of it for the past 10 months. So if I'm going to tell you everything about me and K just for the sake of making me feel better about my image, then too bad.

I've been dreaming a lot lately about babies. And this time its good dreams. Whenever I used to dream about babies before, I would give birth to them and then they would either disappear or die. Now my dreams are of me getting pregnant or having babies (usually with K). I wonder what that means - I'm definitely not ready to have kids. I know I want to some day, just not right now.

I have two weeks left in Russia. It's finally snowing. I've learned a priceless amount about myself while here; it's an expereience I wouldn't trade for anything...here's a picture (not a very good one) of me in my first snowfall writing my name in cyrillic



















When I get home I can't wait to SHOWER and get all the hard water grime off of me. I can do that in California. In CA K is taking me to see "W*cked" - SO excited! I'll get to go to D*sneyland also ::glorious angels singing. But when I finally get to good 'ol HOME home in Hawaii...I am getting out of the car, petting my 5 handicapped felines, hugging my grandma, then sticking my head under the tap and drinking CLEAN water, then stripping down to my skivvies and jumping in the pool. I'll get out and remain in my undies because it will be so overwhelmingly hot and only then will people receive their hello's and presents. My mom will have already received her hug in the car where she will hopefully be greeting me with malasadas (Portuguese donuts) and passion orange juice. ::sigh:: oh Hawaii...

My next blog will probably be on my travelsofrw site so if you're just DYING to keep up with my fast paced young swingin life - check there in a few. If not, see you in a bit! Take care all

me

Positive Thought of the Day: I bought myself two presents today - a sleeping beauty matrioshka (those dolls inside of one another) and a lady bug fabrege (not REAL) egg ...yay

Just Read...Just Wait...

I was inspired to write this after a fellow (amazing) blogger posted something very close to her own heart. This, is equally close to mine...


First though, read this poem by Wistawa Szymborska ( Polish poet who won the 1996 Nobel Prize for literature).

It could have happened

It had to happen

It happened earlier. Later

Nearer. Farther off

It happened, but not to you.

You were saved because you were the first.

You were saved because you were the last.

Alone. With others.

On the right. The left.

Because it was raining. Because of the shade.

Because it was sunny.

You were in luck -- there was a forest.

You were in luck ­- there were no trees.

You were in luck ­- a rake, a hook, a beam, a brake,

a jamb, a turn, a quarter inch, an instant.

You were in luck -- just then a straw went floating by.

As a result, because, although, despite.

What would have happened if a hand, a foot,

within an inch, a hairsbreadth from

an unfortunate coincidence.

So you're here? Still dizzy from another dodge, close shave,

reprieve?

One hole in the net and you slipped through ?

I couldn't be more shocked or speechless.

Listen, how your heart pounds inside me.

That poem makes me think of a baby that was going to die but the mother realizes the child is supposed to be in her life and lets it live. It could very well have a totally different meaning but that's what it reminds me of. Now for what I wrote:

I travel great distances
only to unearth longer paths to travel
I learn countless subjects
only to discover - I know nothing
I wait what seems like forever
only to find I must continue to wait some more

But the distance travled or the subjects learned
don't matter much to me
What I wait for - day in and day out
is all I really see

I wait for you
because you give me patience
the patience to handle difficult times
I wait for you
because you give me strength
the strength that propels me to great heights
I wait for you
because you give me faith
the faith in all things good

Yet you do not come
No matter how long I wait
you are delayed, held back, kept behind
time passes

All I know
after all I've traveled,
and all I've learned,
and all I've waited,
is that I will continue to wait,
I will be patient until you arrive,
I will be strong knowing you are coming,
I have faith you'll make it here
even if I have to wait
just a little bit more.



(dedicated to my favorite blogger(I hope she knows who she is...she inspires me to wait))

Yes we can...can we?

I had a dream last night. I was being kept prisoner in my home and my street had turned into a concentration camp. I tried to escape to marry K, and as soon as I made it outside the gate, I was shot and killed.

I woke up to find yes on 8 back home in CA had a considerable margin; I still had hope because only 6% had reported. Right now we're at 91% and it doesn't look good. It looks like No on 8 is no more and it will pass.

I will never be able to understand the pain and suffering that took place in concentration camps - I will always be ignorant in that light. But as for the discrimination practiced in that time, just as it was practiced ages before with slavery and women's voting, and ages after with the civil rights movement, I'm beginning to think I know what it feels like.

Maybe I'm naive and I have no idea what those who were suppressed underwent. All I know is I'm living in an age now where I thought we were taking a step forward and now this probable yes on 8 is like taking 2 steps back.

Speaking with my Mom the other night, she told me she didn't care about the "choices" I've made. I asked her, in tears, if she really thought her only daughter had "chosen" to live like this? She responded that she had exposed me to a lot in life and because of what I'd seen and experienced, this is what I'd chosen; she didn't have a problem with it but she still felt the life I am living is a choice.

I just don't get it. We are in the 21st century. An African American was just elected president. Women are leading countries around the world. Interracial marriage barely gets a second look anymore. Why is it then in an time when so many things that were once backwards are now facing forwards, something so important is still so twisted?

Hope prevails though. Obama is in office; after 8 years of misery we are finally seeing the dawn of a new era. I think if we all believe that 'yes we can', then maybe, hopefully, in my lifetime, I'll be able to marry the one I love without having to give up something else (my home, my citizenship). Hopefully, our country will stop being so afraid.

me

Positive thought of the day:
Yes...we did

The Ashes of Something Pretty

The following in bold originally appeared yesterday in my traveling/study abroad blog which can be found on my user profile; it's titled "Oh! The Places You'll go..."

I really wanted to share this excerpt with this group of readers though because THIS blog here really has a lot more to do with my emotions than my travel blog does. You will come in reading at the point where I'm speaking about my semester break in the oblast of Perm in Russia; I am meeting extended family for the first time.

The next day was a really important day for me. We all woke up early and Katia and Olga and I waited downstairs for some friends of Anna’s to come pick me up – they would be taking me to Kudymkar. Kudymkar is the town where the orphanage Michael was adopted from is located. It was a three hour drive and we finally arrived around 11 o’clock in the morning. I met Dr. Alex who showed us around the facilities. We only stayed for about 45 minutes, which honestly made me feel really bad because I wanted to talk to them and tell them why I wanted to be there but my Russian language skills are just so bad. I was so thankful that Anna’s friends drove me three hours only to drive me back three more hours 45 minutes later. But going back a bit when Dr. Alex showed us around it was really hard for me. I can’t imagine how hard it is for potential parents to come to this place only to be turned around because of some paperwork mistake or government holdup. We first went into the three year olds room. Honestly, I had a very naïve vision of what an orphanage was like. Granted there probably are orphanages that aren’t in such good condition but the orphanage at Kudymkar is so wonderful. The children there are being taken care of so well. When Dr. Alex opened the door to the 3 years olds’ room they all smiled and greeted us. However, it still broke my heart. I walked in that room thinking “I can do this – I want to adopt children someday but I know I can’t save the world.” Thirty seconds later as I was walking out I was looking this little girl (who ironically looked exactly like she could be related to my cousin Michael) with tiny glasses in the eye and all my mind could come up with was “Why can’t I save them all?” I was so distraught. We next went to the 1s and 2s. They were just as beautiful and wonderful and I wanted just as much to pick every one of them up and take them home with me. Finally we walked into the babies’ room. There were about 5 of them in different play pens all giggling (or having gas) and I finally couldn’t stay much longer. I wanted to cry but I did not. The following day I felt so sad, almost like a part of me was empty on the inside. I called my Mom and just bawled and she said maybe it was because I had been at Kudymkar. I think so too. I am so glad I went to the orphanage though – I learned so much about myself.

I learned that I was very naïve – not all orphanages are terrible awful places. Kudymkar showed me that maybe I was wrong about Russia; do they really NEED social work? I mean ya, every country needs social services in some way, shape or form but do they need it in the way I was thinking it? I guess what I realized is that the whole world can’t be America. That’s why the world is the way it is, every culture is different and we all thrive because of these differences. It may sound strange to say that we thrive because there are orphans in Russia but what I mean is that the way Russia chooses to take care of their citizens in need reflects their culture and society and that helps us thrive in America as we learn from their society’s successes and mistakes. Similarly, Russia thrives as they learn from American society’s successes and mistakes. Did that make sense? No? It did to me…read it again.

I mean really, this is such a revelation to me. I think going to South Africa now is going to be a totally different experience for me now because I was going with the intention that “This is a country that is in need and if I go there I can save them all.” Ya, Rachel, maybe you can save the world but you’re not going to succeed if you try to do it alone and try to change the world. When I go to South Africa and even in work, grad school, and beyond – I need to reach out to people and be like “Hey, let’s work together…I can’t take ALL the credit for saving the world.” If I don’t, I’m never going to make an impact because ONE person’s biased ideas are pretty useless; a spectrum of ideas from different people is priceless. I also need to respect their society and whatever society I’m working with; I can’t be like “Uh, hey guys, WE do it this way so you should too.” Changing something isn’t necessarily good; making it better the way it is, is. Are you getting all of this? Maybe you should take notes.

I also realized that my Dad not being around still really bothers me BUT at the same time, I am so thankful for the people who do love me. (WHOA…heavy stuff; feel free to skip ahead. This is me sharing my revelations though.) This is something I’ve sort of just realized now as I write this, reflecting back on the experience (i.e. it didn’t hit me right then at Kudymkar). I am angry at my Dad because in a sense he is like all these parents who chose to give up their kids. Ok, maybe that’s not the fairest assumption – maybe some of these babies were teen pregnancies or the nth pregnancy and were ‘given up’ so they could have a better life. But in general seeing those kids made me think “How could you not want something so wonderful?” I’m mad at my father for not ‘wanting’ me. I think it will always bother me a little but each day it does less and less. I’ve realized his absence may have affected me but doesn’t define me. What’s even more important is that I have so many wonderful and amazing people who do love me. I have my animals who love me unconditionally. I have my sorority sisters who love me for who I am and accept me; they are each so wonderful and even though they are halfway across the world right now I know they are still there supporting me, and I them. I have a girlfriend who chooses to love me and that means the world to me. (Btw…Equality is Great, Vote No on 8 ). I have my family who is the best family in the world. I HONESTLY don’t know any family that is closer (except maybe like, the Brady Bunch…but they’re like, creepy…and not real) and who would do anything for one another. Plus we are like cool and funny and…ya, don’t you wish your family was hot like mine? (Elder readers, that was a reference to a song lyric…you might want to look it up.) I have my Mom who is my best friend who loves me more than anything and I couldn’t be more thankful for everything she does for me. And most of all, I have God who will love me no matter what.

I learned a countless amount at Kudymkar that day, but the last one I will share with you is that it affirmed the notion that I want to adopt children some day. The biggest difference now though is I don’t want to adopt children to save them or change them, but simply to love them. Adopting a child isn’t going to get you brownie points with the big guy upstairs and you certainly shouldn’t do it with the intention of making them your little project you can now live through vicariously. If I’m going to adopt a child, it’s going to be because I have so much love that I want to share and I’m going to share it with someone who might need a little more than others.

Btw (By the way ….come on, get with it people), I’m not typing all this to preach to the choir or campaign for anything (Except maybe No on 8..Yay!). I’m not typing this so you all will be like ooh she’s smart. Frankly I maintain the notion that all of you reading this already knew ALL of this and were just waiting for me to learn this on my own. But ya, just a disclaimer ::waves white flag::

So ya...any thoughts? I feel like I'm learning so much about myself here in Russia. I've learned that I love K so much and that now - this moment, is what really matters. If I worry to much about the future or dwell on what happened in the past, I'm going to drive myself into a rut. That was probably the wrong word but I knew what I meant. Maybe we're meant to be together, maybe we're not - only He knows. What I know is that I love her now and I want to be the best companion, lover, and friend she has (That sounds weird...not like she has other lovers or like I want to top her other friends...oh well, my blog-I know what I mean).

I've also learned that just in general I have to stop dwelling on the future so much. I have to be concerned about the now. If I don't it's going to pass right by me. Granted I need to plan ahead and be organized but if ALL I worry about is the future then all the amazing things happening now are going to be wasted.

I think the most important thing I've learned is that I'm ok with not being perfect. Sounds pretty obvious, right? Well reader, if you knew me you'd know that ever since my father left I've been trying to compensate by being a perfect person so it'll make him want me and come back. But you know what - he's not going to come back and he loves me, he just doesnt know how to show it. I have to live with that. I can't try to fix him by fixing myself. Everyone has flaws but that is the essence of our diversity; my flaws make me who I am and I have to learn to embrace them. Slowly but surely, I am doing so.

This is all best summed up I feel by the lyrics of my two favorite song - Here is "Something Pretty" by Patrick Park:

Here I am, where I’ve been
I’ve walked a hundred miles in tobacco skin,
And my clothes are worn & gritty.
And I know ugliness,
Now show me something pretty.
I was a dumb punk kid with nothing to lose
And too much weight for walking shoes.
I could have died from being boring.
As for loneliness,
She greets me every morning.

At the most I’m a glare,
I’m the hopeless son who’s hardly there.
I’m the open sign that’s always busted.
I’m the friend you need, but can’t be trusted.


And here is Ashes by Embrace

Verse 1
I've waited, and given the chance again,
I'd do it all the same, but either way
I'm always outplayed, up on your down days
I left it the right way, to start again



Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, just look how long I've agreed
Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, just look how long I've agreed



Verse 2
Out of place, like a gem on a coalface
Lost on the right way, it's all the same
'Cause I've had my hopes raised, riding the wrong waves
Scared when you felt safe to start again


Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, just look how wrong I could be
Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, you blew me away

Awaaaay
I sink like a stone, I lost my control

Both songs just remind me that ya..crappy ass stuff can happen to you. You can even be at rock bottom (sink like a stone...lose your control). But no matter how bad things get they can always get better. I've learned this lesson many a time, I just think I tend to forget it every once in a while. I am going to make the most of the present, embrace myself, and love every minute of it. Look out world, here I come... :)

me

Positive Thought of the Day: I had Subway today...in Russia. It was like a tasty bit of home between two slices of bread :p

All Doubt Has Been Wiped From My Mind

So you had a bad day...

I don't know why I titled my blog that today...that song just came to mind when I was thinking of everything I wanted to write.

Last time I wrote I had been partying (bottle of vodka everynight as vodka is in fact cheaper than water here) every single night and going on field trips every day. Me and my roommate were getting along great. I was confused about my sexuality but wasn't letting it get to me as I was enjoying the single life. Then I sorta just hit a plateau and then more like a downward slope. Things got BAD with my roommate and ultimately she got expelled. Some people here don't really like me anymore because I got that girl in trouble, even though I know what I did was right (for more info read "Tattoos on the Cross" on my other blog). We've reached a degree of stagnancy in everyday life with classes and now it's up to us to make the most of our experience. Crazy right...take care of ourselves? :p No...I'm excited and up to the challenge (I know the word challenge seems inappropriate but I'm so not used to taking care of myself) and have so many places I want to see. Then there's the BIG SURPRISE I know none of you knew was coming...K and I got back together. I was hurt by the sorority sister thing but we got through it and I realized I still don't want anything serious but I still love her and can be with her without committing the rest of my life to her. Basically, our motto for this inning is "now was made for you and me," ...iuno, sounds about right.

Well, I'm just gonna go day by day and see what God puts in my path. I'm a little scared of how things are with K because my Mom doesn't approve and I value her opinion so much. She told me last night "If the relationship is strong it will survive but it just seems like you guys are holding on for dear life." ...what if she's right?

Anyway-I don't think I've opened up Google Reader in like a month. How are all of you. I hope everything is going well at your homes and places of work and you're all staying safe and blessed by the Lord! Take care

me

Positive Thought of the day: I think I was called by God today to my line of work.