Yes we can...can we?

I had a dream last night. I was being kept prisoner in my home and my street had turned into a concentration camp. I tried to escape to marry K, and as soon as I made it outside the gate, I was shot and killed.

I woke up to find yes on 8 back home in CA had a considerable margin; I still had hope because only 6% had reported. Right now we're at 91% and it doesn't look good. It looks like No on 8 is no more and it will pass.

I will never be able to understand the pain and suffering that took place in concentration camps - I will always be ignorant in that light. But as for the discrimination practiced in that time, just as it was practiced ages before with slavery and women's voting, and ages after with the civil rights movement, I'm beginning to think I know what it feels like.

Maybe I'm naive and I have no idea what those who were suppressed underwent. All I know is I'm living in an age now where I thought we were taking a step forward and now this probable yes on 8 is like taking 2 steps back.

Speaking with my Mom the other night, she told me she didn't care about the "choices" I've made. I asked her, in tears, if she really thought her only daughter had "chosen" to live like this? She responded that she had exposed me to a lot in life and because of what I'd seen and experienced, this is what I'd chosen; she didn't have a problem with it but she still felt the life I am living is a choice.

I just don't get it. We are in the 21st century. An African American was just elected president. Women are leading countries around the world. Interracial marriage barely gets a second look anymore. Why is it then in an time when so many things that were once backwards are now facing forwards, something so important is still so twisted?

Hope prevails though. Obama is in office; after 8 years of misery we are finally seeing the dawn of a new era. I think if we all believe that 'yes we can', then maybe, hopefully, in my lifetime, I'll be able to marry the one I love without having to give up something else (my home, my citizenship). Hopefully, our country will stop being so afraid.

me

Positive thought of the day:
Yes...we did

The Ashes of Something Pretty

The following in bold originally appeared yesterday in my traveling/study abroad blog which can be found on my user profile; it's titled "Oh! The Places You'll go..."

I really wanted to share this excerpt with this group of readers though because THIS blog here really has a lot more to do with my emotions than my travel blog does. You will come in reading at the point where I'm speaking about my semester break in the oblast of Perm in Russia; I am meeting extended family for the first time.

The next day was a really important day for me. We all woke up early and Katia and Olga and I waited downstairs for some friends of Anna’s to come pick me up – they would be taking me to Kudymkar. Kudymkar is the town where the orphanage Michael was adopted from is located. It was a three hour drive and we finally arrived around 11 o’clock in the morning. I met Dr. Alex who showed us around the facilities. We only stayed for about 45 minutes, which honestly made me feel really bad because I wanted to talk to them and tell them why I wanted to be there but my Russian language skills are just so bad. I was so thankful that Anna’s friends drove me three hours only to drive me back three more hours 45 minutes later. But going back a bit when Dr. Alex showed us around it was really hard for me. I can’t imagine how hard it is for potential parents to come to this place only to be turned around because of some paperwork mistake or government holdup. We first went into the three year olds room. Honestly, I had a very naïve vision of what an orphanage was like. Granted there probably are orphanages that aren’t in such good condition but the orphanage at Kudymkar is so wonderful. The children there are being taken care of so well. When Dr. Alex opened the door to the 3 years olds’ room they all smiled and greeted us. However, it still broke my heart. I walked in that room thinking “I can do this – I want to adopt children someday but I know I can’t save the world.” Thirty seconds later as I was walking out I was looking this little girl (who ironically looked exactly like she could be related to my cousin Michael) with tiny glasses in the eye and all my mind could come up with was “Why can’t I save them all?” I was so distraught. We next went to the 1s and 2s. They were just as beautiful and wonderful and I wanted just as much to pick every one of them up and take them home with me. Finally we walked into the babies’ room. There were about 5 of them in different play pens all giggling (or having gas) and I finally couldn’t stay much longer. I wanted to cry but I did not. The following day I felt so sad, almost like a part of me was empty on the inside. I called my Mom and just bawled and she said maybe it was because I had been at Kudymkar. I think so too. I am so glad I went to the orphanage though – I learned so much about myself.

I learned that I was very naïve – not all orphanages are terrible awful places. Kudymkar showed me that maybe I was wrong about Russia; do they really NEED social work? I mean ya, every country needs social services in some way, shape or form but do they need it in the way I was thinking it? I guess what I realized is that the whole world can’t be America. That’s why the world is the way it is, every culture is different and we all thrive because of these differences. It may sound strange to say that we thrive because there are orphans in Russia but what I mean is that the way Russia chooses to take care of their citizens in need reflects their culture and society and that helps us thrive in America as we learn from their society’s successes and mistakes. Similarly, Russia thrives as they learn from American society’s successes and mistakes. Did that make sense? No? It did to me…read it again.

I mean really, this is such a revelation to me. I think going to South Africa now is going to be a totally different experience for me now because I was going with the intention that “This is a country that is in need and if I go there I can save them all.” Ya, Rachel, maybe you can save the world but you’re not going to succeed if you try to do it alone and try to change the world. When I go to South Africa and even in work, grad school, and beyond – I need to reach out to people and be like “Hey, let’s work together…I can’t take ALL the credit for saving the world.” If I don’t, I’m never going to make an impact because ONE person’s biased ideas are pretty useless; a spectrum of ideas from different people is priceless. I also need to respect their society and whatever society I’m working with; I can’t be like “Uh, hey guys, WE do it this way so you should too.” Changing something isn’t necessarily good; making it better the way it is, is. Are you getting all of this? Maybe you should take notes.

I also realized that my Dad not being around still really bothers me BUT at the same time, I am so thankful for the people who do love me. (WHOA…heavy stuff; feel free to skip ahead. This is me sharing my revelations though.) This is something I’ve sort of just realized now as I write this, reflecting back on the experience (i.e. it didn’t hit me right then at Kudymkar). I am angry at my Dad because in a sense he is like all these parents who chose to give up their kids. Ok, maybe that’s not the fairest assumption – maybe some of these babies were teen pregnancies or the nth pregnancy and were ‘given up’ so they could have a better life. But in general seeing those kids made me think “How could you not want something so wonderful?” I’m mad at my father for not ‘wanting’ me. I think it will always bother me a little but each day it does less and less. I’ve realized his absence may have affected me but doesn’t define me. What’s even more important is that I have so many wonderful and amazing people who do love me. I have my animals who love me unconditionally. I have my sorority sisters who love me for who I am and accept me; they are each so wonderful and even though they are halfway across the world right now I know they are still there supporting me, and I them. I have a girlfriend who chooses to love me and that means the world to me. (Btw…Equality is Great, Vote No on 8 ). I have my family who is the best family in the world. I HONESTLY don’t know any family that is closer (except maybe like, the Brady Bunch…but they’re like, creepy…and not real) and who would do anything for one another. Plus we are like cool and funny and…ya, don’t you wish your family was hot like mine? (Elder readers, that was a reference to a song lyric…you might want to look it up.) I have my Mom who is my best friend who loves me more than anything and I couldn’t be more thankful for everything she does for me. And most of all, I have God who will love me no matter what.

I learned a countless amount at Kudymkar that day, but the last one I will share with you is that it affirmed the notion that I want to adopt children some day. The biggest difference now though is I don’t want to adopt children to save them or change them, but simply to love them. Adopting a child isn’t going to get you brownie points with the big guy upstairs and you certainly shouldn’t do it with the intention of making them your little project you can now live through vicariously. If I’m going to adopt a child, it’s going to be because I have so much love that I want to share and I’m going to share it with someone who might need a little more than others.

Btw (By the way ….come on, get with it people), I’m not typing all this to preach to the choir or campaign for anything (Except maybe No on 8..Yay!). I’m not typing this so you all will be like ooh she’s smart. Frankly I maintain the notion that all of you reading this already knew ALL of this and were just waiting for me to learn this on my own. But ya, just a disclaimer ::waves white flag::

So ya...any thoughts? I feel like I'm learning so much about myself here in Russia. I've learned that I love K so much and that now - this moment, is what really matters. If I worry to much about the future or dwell on what happened in the past, I'm going to drive myself into a rut. That was probably the wrong word but I knew what I meant. Maybe we're meant to be together, maybe we're not - only He knows. What I know is that I love her now and I want to be the best companion, lover, and friend she has (That sounds weird...not like she has other lovers or like I want to top her other friends...oh well, my blog-I know what I mean).

I've also learned that just in general I have to stop dwelling on the future so much. I have to be concerned about the now. If I don't it's going to pass right by me. Granted I need to plan ahead and be organized but if ALL I worry about is the future then all the amazing things happening now are going to be wasted.

I think the most important thing I've learned is that I'm ok with not being perfect. Sounds pretty obvious, right? Well reader, if you knew me you'd know that ever since my father left I've been trying to compensate by being a perfect person so it'll make him want me and come back. But you know what - he's not going to come back and he loves me, he just doesnt know how to show it. I have to live with that. I can't try to fix him by fixing myself. Everyone has flaws but that is the essence of our diversity; my flaws make me who I am and I have to learn to embrace them. Slowly but surely, I am doing so.

This is all best summed up I feel by the lyrics of my two favorite song - Here is "Something Pretty" by Patrick Park:

Here I am, where I’ve been
I’ve walked a hundred miles in tobacco skin,
And my clothes are worn & gritty.
And I know ugliness,
Now show me something pretty.
I was a dumb punk kid with nothing to lose
And too much weight for walking shoes.
I could have died from being boring.
As for loneliness,
She greets me every morning.

At the most I’m a glare,
I’m the hopeless son who’s hardly there.
I’m the open sign that’s always busted.
I’m the friend you need, but can’t be trusted.


And here is Ashes by Embrace

Verse 1
I've waited, and given the chance again,
I'd do it all the same, but either way
I'm always outplayed, up on your down days
I left it the right way, to start again



Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, just look how long I've agreed
Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, just look how long I've agreed



Verse 2
Out of place, like a gem on a coalface
Lost on the right way, it's all the same
'Cause I've had my hopes raised, riding the wrong waves
Scared when you felt safe to start again


Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, just look how wrong I could be
Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, you blew me away

Awaaaay
I sink like a stone, I lost my control

Both songs just remind me that ya..crappy ass stuff can happen to you. You can even be at rock bottom (sink like a stone...lose your control). But no matter how bad things get they can always get better. I've learned this lesson many a time, I just think I tend to forget it every once in a while. I am going to make the most of the present, embrace myself, and love every minute of it. Look out world, here I come... :)

me

Positive Thought of the Day: I had Subway today...in Russia. It was like a tasty bit of home between two slices of bread :p

All Doubt Has Been Wiped From My Mind

So you had a bad day...

I don't know why I titled my blog that today...that song just came to mind when I was thinking of everything I wanted to write.

Last time I wrote I had been partying (bottle of vodka everynight as vodka is in fact cheaper than water here) every single night and going on field trips every day. Me and my roommate were getting along great. I was confused about my sexuality but wasn't letting it get to me as I was enjoying the single life. Then I sorta just hit a plateau and then more like a downward slope. Things got BAD with my roommate and ultimately she got expelled. Some people here don't really like me anymore because I got that girl in trouble, even though I know what I did was right (for more info read "Tattoos on the Cross" on my other blog). We've reached a degree of stagnancy in everyday life with classes and now it's up to us to make the most of our experience. Crazy right...take care of ourselves? :p No...I'm excited and up to the challenge (I know the word challenge seems inappropriate but I'm so not used to taking care of myself) and have so many places I want to see. Then there's the BIG SURPRISE I know none of you knew was coming...K and I got back together. I was hurt by the sorority sister thing but we got through it and I realized I still don't want anything serious but I still love her and can be with her without committing the rest of my life to her. Basically, our motto for this inning is "now was made for you and me," ...iuno, sounds about right.

Well, I'm just gonna go day by day and see what God puts in my path. I'm a little scared of how things are with K because my Mom doesn't approve and I value her opinion so much. She told me last night "If the relationship is strong it will survive but it just seems like you guys are holding on for dear life." ...what if she's right?

Anyway-I don't think I've opened up Google Reader in like a month. How are all of you. I hope everything is going well at your homes and places of work and you're all staying safe and blessed by the Lord! Take care

me

Positive Thought of the day: I think I was called by God today to my line of work.

да да!

So I'm in Russia. Yes...very far. Very cold. Having the f*****g time of my life. I probably won't be blogging for a while. If I do it will be very infrequent.

Just a few things. I got here and had MAJOR culture shock. There was this boy I thought I liked and I was just like WHAT??? Needless to say I scared him off by being so weird about it but now we're cool. Aside from that, I am severely confused about my sexuality and questioning it heavily.

Apparently K wants to date my sorority sister. Ugh..whatever. I'm so over it.

All together, I've realized so many things about myself being here and I am so much more thankful for the world we live in. I hope anyone who actually reads this checks back in a few weeks for my update because there's lots I want to share about what I've learned.

Hope you and your families and loved ones are all doing well. Much love,

me

You KNOW...

...I do NOT go around questioning your heterosexuality. So I'd really freakin appreciate it if you stopped questioning my homosexuality. Even if it is a phase, that's none of your damn business. I'm am going to LOVE and have SEX and KISS and HOLD HANDS and CHECK OUT whoever I frickin want. I REPEAT...I do NOT question you...so would EVERYONE just STOP questioning me?! I have enough going on...

URGH I AM SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Bee by the Bathroom

My bathroom here at home has a window high above the shower that faces our front yard. We recently dug up our rock bed that was underneath that window and put some soil and hibiscus in there. Ever since the flowers bloomed, our front yard has been full of bees. In the past few weeks when I was in the bathroom I'd hear a buzzing sound so I assumed some bees were building (word choice?) a hive outside my bathroom window. I thought it dangerous for my younger cousins if the hive were to fall and bees go everywhere, so I planned on eventually going out there and spraying the crap out of it with RAID.

This morning on my way to the car with my mom, my mom goes "Oh look, the Mama bee is dead." I was wondering how she had decided it was a "Mama bee" when I noticed it had an egg sack attached to it. The bee was all crumpled up in the middle of our garage, far from the growing hive.

I got in the car and to my surprise I started to cry. I don't know what bothered me about it so much but I was devastated at the loss of this bee! Now don't get me wrong, I am a big animal lover - we have so many pets at home and I would be a zoologist if I wasn't so bad at science, but I don't usually just break into tears when I see insects dead.

I thought more about it and I realized - what if it had to do with the fact that it was a Mama Bee (a Queen bee)? I certainly have a recognized, extreme fear of my own children dying let alone a fear I will never be able to have children some day.

One thing you should understand is I have this re-occuring dream whenever my life gets a certain way. The dream takes on different settings and supporting characters but it's always basically the same: me having a baby. Eventually, it always ends the same. The baby dies right after it's born. I always wake up crying from these dreams. Whenever I have a dream like this my life is usually out of control. What I'm wondering now is - what's out of control???

R.I.P. Mama Bee

-me

Positive Thought of the Day- I have a DATE tomorrow :D