Soapboxes, Snow, and Skivvies

So I just spent an hour writing a blog and I decided I didn't like it. So, I erased it. Hopefully you'll like this.

Currently I am listening to the playlist I made for K and myself to listen to when we are finally in each others arms again.

Mmmmyaa....So most people think from A to B; I think from A to Z and assume you understand what happened to B through Y. I just had an A to Z moment and I'm going to attempt to explain B through Y.
A: Playlist about me and K...
Z: ...I don't need to defend myself.
B through Y(a.k.a. the thought process that rapidly went on in my head): This blog has concentrated a great deal on the relationship between K and myself. Some may agree, some may not, with all the decisions and statements I have made. Part of me wants to lay things out for everyone and explain what went on and what's going on so people know where we're at now. I want to explain my flips and flops in emotion and my decisions and attempt to explain K's side of the story. I want to defend myself and our story. But I realized that if I truly love K and have faith in our love then that love will defend itself. It is ready to take your questions but it's not going to get up on a soap box and disclaim itself just because it's afraid of what you've thought of it for the past 10 months. So if I'm going to tell you everything about me and K just for the sake of making me feel better about my image, then too bad.

I've been dreaming a lot lately about babies. And this time its good dreams. Whenever I used to dream about babies before, I would give birth to them and then they would either disappear or die. Now my dreams are of me getting pregnant or having babies (usually with K). I wonder what that means - I'm definitely not ready to have kids. I know I want to some day, just not right now.

I have two weeks left in Russia. It's finally snowing. I've learned a priceless amount about myself while here; it's an expereience I wouldn't trade for anything...here's a picture (not a very good one) of me in my first snowfall writing my name in cyrillic



















When I get home I can't wait to SHOWER and get all the hard water grime off of me. I can do that in California. In CA K is taking me to see "W*cked" - SO excited! I'll get to go to D*sneyland also ::glorious angels singing. But when I finally get to good 'ol HOME home in Hawaii...I am getting out of the car, petting my 5 handicapped felines, hugging my grandma, then sticking my head under the tap and drinking CLEAN water, then stripping down to my skivvies and jumping in the pool. I'll get out and remain in my undies because it will be so overwhelmingly hot and only then will people receive their hello's and presents. My mom will have already received her hug in the car where she will hopefully be greeting me with malasadas (Portuguese donuts) and passion orange juice. ::sigh:: oh Hawaii...

My next blog will probably be on my travelsofrw site so if you're just DYING to keep up with my fast paced young swingin life - check there in a few. If not, see you in a bit! Take care all

me

Positive Thought of the Day: I bought myself two presents today - a sleeping beauty matrioshka (those dolls inside of one another) and a lady bug fabrege (not REAL) egg ...yay

Just Read...Just Wait...

I was inspired to write this after a fellow (amazing) blogger posted something very close to her own heart. This, is equally close to mine...


First though, read this poem by Wistawa Szymborska ( Polish poet who won the 1996 Nobel Prize for literature).

It could have happened

It had to happen

It happened earlier. Later

Nearer. Farther off

It happened, but not to you.

You were saved because you were the first.

You were saved because you were the last.

Alone. With others.

On the right. The left.

Because it was raining. Because of the shade.

Because it was sunny.

You were in luck -- there was a forest.

You were in luck ­- there were no trees.

You were in luck ­- a rake, a hook, a beam, a brake,

a jamb, a turn, a quarter inch, an instant.

You were in luck -- just then a straw went floating by.

As a result, because, although, despite.

What would have happened if a hand, a foot,

within an inch, a hairsbreadth from

an unfortunate coincidence.

So you're here? Still dizzy from another dodge, close shave,

reprieve?

One hole in the net and you slipped through ?

I couldn't be more shocked or speechless.

Listen, how your heart pounds inside me.

That poem makes me think of a baby that was going to die but the mother realizes the child is supposed to be in her life and lets it live. It could very well have a totally different meaning but that's what it reminds me of. Now for what I wrote:

I travel great distances
only to unearth longer paths to travel
I learn countless subjects
only to discover - I know nothing
I wait what seems like forever
only to find I must continue to wait some more

But the distance travled or the subjects learned
don't matter much to me
What I wait for - day in and day out
is all I really see

I wait for you
because you give me patience
the patience to handle difficult times
I wait for you
because you give me strength
the strength that propels me to great heights
I wait for you
because you give me faith
the faith in all things good

Yet you do not come
No matter how long I wait
you are delayed, held back, kept behind
time passes

All I know
after all I've traveled,
and all I've learned,
and all I've waited,
is that I will continue to wait,
I will be patient until you arrive,
I will be strong knowing you are coming,
I have faith you'll make it here
even if I have to wait
just a little bit more.



(dedicated to my favorite blogger(I hope she knows who she is...she inspires me to wait))

Yes we can...can we?

I had a dream last night. I was being kept prisoner in my home and my street had turned into a concentration camp. I tried to escape to marry K, and as soon as I made it outside the gate, I was shot and killed.

I woke up to find yes on 8 back home in CA had a considerable margin; I still had hope because only 6% had reported. Right now we're at 91% and it doesn't look good. It looks like No on 8 is no more and it will pass.

I will never be able to understand the pain and suffering that took place in concentration camps - I will always be ignorant in that light. But as for the discrimination practiced in that time, just as it was practiced ages before with slavery and women's voting, and ages after with the civil rights movement, I'm beginning to think I know what it feels like.

Maybe I'm naive and I have no idea what those who were suppressed underwent. All I know is I'm living in an age now where I thought we were taking a step forward and now this probable yes on 8 is like taking 2 steps back.

Speaking with my Mom the other night, she told me she didn't care about the "choices" I've made. I asked her, in tears, if she really thought her only daughter had "chosen" to live like this? She responded that she had exposed me to a lot in life and because of what I'd seen and experienced, this is what I'd chosen; she didn't have a problem with it but she still felt the life I am living is a choice.

I just don't get it. We are in the 21st century. An African American was just elected president. Women are leading countries around the world. Interracial marriage barely gets a second look anymore. Why is it then in an time when so many things that were once backwards are now facing forwards, something so important is still so twisted?

Hope prevails though. Obama is in office; after 8 years of misery we are finally seeing the dawn of a new era. I think if we all believe that 'yes we can', then maybe, hopefully, in my lifetime, I'll be able to marry the one I love without having to give up something else (my home, my citizenship). Hopefully, our country will stop being so afraid.

me

Positive thought of the day:
Yes...we did

The Ashes of Something Pretty

The following in bold originally appeared yesterday in my traveling/study abroad blog which can be found on my user profile; it's titled "Oh! The Places You'll go..."

I really wanted to share this excerpt with this group of readers though because THIS blog here really has a lot more to do with my emotions than my travel blog does. You will come in reading at the point where I'm speaking about my semester break in the oblast of Perm in Russia; I am meeting extended family for the first time.

The next day was a really important day for me. We all woke up early and Katia and Olga and I waited downstairs for some friends of Anna’s to come pick me up – they would be taking me to Kudymkar. Kudymkar is the town where the orphanage Michael was adopted from is located. It was a three hour drive and we finally arrived around 11 o’clock in the morning. I met Dr. Alex who showed us around the facilities. We only stayed for about 45 minutes, which honestly made me feel really bad because I wanted to talk to them and tell them why I wanted to be there but my Russian language skills are just so bad. I was so thankful that Anna’s friends drove me three hours only to drive me back three more hours 45 minutes later. But going back a bit when Dr. Alex showed us around it was really hard for me. I can’t imagine how hard it is for potential parents to come to this place only to be turned around because of some paperwork mistake or government holdup. We first went into the three year olds room. Honestly, I had a very naïve vision of what an orphanage was like. Granted there probably are orphanages that aren’t in such good condition but the orphanage at Kudymkar is so wonderful. The children there are being taken care of so well. When Dr. Alex opened the door to the 3 years olds’ room they all smiled and greeted us. However, it still broke my heart. I walked in that room thinking “I can do this – I want to adopt children someday but I know I can’t save the world.” Thirty seconds later as I was walking out I was looking this little girl (who ironically looked exactly like she could be related to my cousin Michael) with tiny glasses in the eye and all my mind could come up with was “Why can’t I save them all?” I was so distraught. We next went to the 1s and 2s. They were just as beautiful and wonderful and I wanted just as much to pick every one of them up and take them home with me. Finally we walked into the babies’ room. There were about 5 of them in different play pens all giggling (or having gas) and I finally couldn’t stay much longer. I wanted to cry but I did not. The following day I felt so sad, almost like a part of me was empty on the inside. I called my Mom and just bawled and she said maybe it was because I had been at Kudymkar. I think so too. I am so glad I went to the orphanage though – I learned so much about myself.

I learned that I was very naïve – not all orphanages are terrible awful places. Kudymkar showed me that maybe I was wrong about Russia; do they really NEED social work? I mean ya, every country needs social services in some way, shape or form but do they need it in the way I was thinking it? I guess what I realized is that the whole world can’t be America. That’s why the world is the way it is, every culture is different and we all thrive because of these differences. It may sound strange to say that we thrive because there are orphans in Russia but what I mean is that the way Russia chooses to take care of their citizens in need reflects their culture and society and that helps us thrive in America as we learn from their society’s successes and mistakes. Similarly, Russia thrives as they learn from American society’s successes and mistakes. Did that make sense? No? It did to me…read it again.

I mean really, this is such a revelation to me. I think going to South Africa now is going to be a totally different experience for me now because I was going with the intention that “This is a country that is in need and if I go there I can save them all.” Ya, Rachel, maybe you can save the world but you’re not going to succeed if you try to do it alone and try to change the world. When I go to South Africa and even in work, grad school, and beyond – I need to reach out to people and be like “Hey, let’s work together…I can’t take ALL the credit for saving the world.” If I don’t, I’m never going to make an impact because ONE person’s biased ideas are pretty useless; a spectrum of ideas from different people is priceless. I also need to respect their society and whatever society I’m working with; I can’t be like “Uh, hey guys, WE do it this way so you should too.” Changing something isn’t necessarily good; making it better the way it is, is. Are you getting all of this? Maybe you should take notes.

I also realized that my Dad not being around still really bothers me BUT at the same time, I am so thankful for the people who do love me. (WHOA…heavy stuff; feel free to skip ahead. This is me sharing my revelations though.) This is something I’ve sort of just realized now as I write this, reflecting back on the experience (i.e. it didn’t hit me right then at Kudymkar). I am angry at my Dad because in a sense he is like all these parents who chose to give up their kids. Ok, maybe that’s not the fairest assumption – maybe some of these babies were teen pregnancies or the nth pregnancy and were ‘given up’ so they could have a better life. But in general seeing those kids made me think “How could you not want something so wonderful?” I’m mad at my father for not ‘wanting’ me. I think it will always bother me a little but each day it does less and less. I’ve realized his absence may have affected me but doesn’t define me. What’s even more important is that I have so many wonderful and amazing people who do love me. I have my animals who love me unconditionally. I have my sorority sisters who love me for who I am and accept me; they are each so wonderful and even though they are halfway across the world right now I know they are still there supporting me, and I them. I have a girlfriend who chooses to love me and that means the world to me. (Btw…Equality is Great, Vote No on 8 ). I have my family who is the best family in the world. I HONESTLY don’t know any family that is closer (except maybe like, the Brady Bunch…but they’re like, creepy…and not real) and who would do anything for one another. Plus we are like cool and funny and…ya, don’t you wish your family was hot like mine? (Elder readers, that was a reference to a song lyric…you might want to look it up.) I have my Mom who is my best friend who loves me more than anything and I couldn’t be more thankful for everything she does for me. And most of all, I have God who will love me no matter what.

I learned a countless amount at Kudymkar that day, but the last one I will share with you is that it affirmed the notion that I want to adopt children some day. The biggest difference now though is I don’t want to adopt children to save them or change them, but simply to love them. Adopting a child isn’t going to get you brownie points with the big guy upstairs and you certainly shouldn’t do it with the intention of making them your little project you can now live through vicariously. If I’m going to adopt a child, it’s going to be because I have so much love that I want to share and I’m going to share it with someone who might need a little more than others.

Btw (By the way ….come on, get with it people), I’m not typing all this to preach to the choir or campaign for anything (Except maybe No on 8..Yay!). I’m not typing this so you all will be like ooh she’s smart. Frankly I maintain the notion that all of you reading this already knew ALL of this and were just waiting for me to learn this on my own. But ya, just a disclaimer ::waves white flag::

So ya...any thoughts? I feel like I'm learning so much about myself here in Russia. I've learned that I love K so much and that now - this moment, is what really matters. If I worry to much about the future or dwell on what happened in the past, I'm going to drive myself into a rut. That was probably the wrong word but I knew what I meant. Maybe we're meant to be together, maybe we're not - only He knows. What I know is that I love her now and I want to be the best companion, lover, and friend she has (That sounds weird...not like she has other lovers or like I want to top her other friends...oh well, my blog-I know what I mean).

I've also learned that just in general I have to stop dwelling on the future so much. I have to be concerned about the now. If I don't it's going to pass right by me. Granted I need to plan ahead and be organized but if ALL I worry about is the future then all the amazing things happening now are going to be wasted.

I think the most important thing I've learned is that I'm ok with not being perfect. Sounds pretty obvious, right? Well reader, if you knew me you'd know that ever since my father left I've been trying to compensate by being a perfect person so it'll make him want me and come back. But you know what - he's not going to come back and he loves me, he just doesnt know how to show it. I have to live with that. I can't try to fix him by fixing myself. Everyone has flaws but that is the essence of our diversity; my flaws make me who I am and I have to learn to embrace them. Slowly but surely, I am doing so.

This is all best summed up I feel by the lyrics of my two favorite song - Here is "Something Pretty" by Patrick Park:

Here I am, where I’ve been
I’ve walked a hundred miles in tobacco skin,
And my clothes are worn & gritty.
And I know ugliness,
Now show me something pretty.
I was a dumb punk kid with nothing to lose
And too much weight for walking shoes.
I could have died from being boring.
As for loneliness,
She greets me every morning.

At the most I’m a glare,
I’m the hopeless son who’s hardly there.
I’m the open sign that’s always busted.
I’m the friend you need, but can’t be trusted.


And here is Ashes by Embrace

Verse 1
I've waited, and given the chance again,
I'd do it all the same, but either way
I'm always outplayed, up on your down days
I left it the right way, to start again



Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, just look how long I've agreed
Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, just look how long I've agreed



Verse 2
Out of place, like a gem on a coalface
Lost on the right way, it's all the same
'Cause I've had my hopes raised, riding the wrong waves
Scared when you felt safe to start again


Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, just look how wrong I could be
Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, you blew me away

Awaaaay
I sink like a stone, I lost my control

Both songs just remind me that ya..crappy ass stuff can happen to you. You can even be at rock bottom (sink like a stone...lose your control). But no matter how bad things get they can always get better. I've learned this lesson many a time, I just think I tend to forget it every once in a while. I am going to make the most of the present, embrace myself, and love every minute of it. Look out world, here I come... :)

me

Positive Thought of the Day: I had Subway today...in Russia. It was like a tasty bit of home between two slices of bread :p

All Doubt Has Been Wiped From My Mind

So you had a bad day...

I don't know why I titled my blog that today...that song just came to mind when I was thinking of everything I wanted to write.

Last time I wrote I had been partying (bottle of vodka everynight as vodka is in fact cheaper than water here) every single night and going on field trips every day. Me and my roommate were getting along great. I was confused about my sexuality but wasn't letting it get to me as I was enjoying the single life. Then I sorta just hit a plateau and then more like a downward slope. Things got BAD with my roommate and ultimately she got expelled. Some people here don't really like me anymore because I got that girl in trouble, even though I know what I did was right (for more info read "Tattoos on the Cross" on my other blog). We've reached a degree of stagnancy in everyday life with classes and now it's up to us to make the most of our experience. Crazy right...take care of ourselves? :p No...I'm excited and up to the challenge (I know the word challenge seems inappropriate but I'm so not used to taking care of myself) and have so many places I want to see. Then there's the BIG SURPRISE I know none of you knew was coming...K and I got back together. I was hurt by the sorority sister thing but we got through it and I realized I still don't want anything serious but I still love her and can be with her without committing the rest of my life to her. Basically, our motto for this inning is "now was made for you and me," ...iuno, sounds about right.

Well, I'm just gonna go day by day and see what God puts in my path. I'm a little scared of how things are with K because my Mom doesn't approve and I value her opinion so much. She told me last night "If the relationship is strong it will survive but it just seems like you guys are holding on for dear life." ...what if she's right?

Anyway-I don't think I've opened up Google Reader in like a month. How are all of you. I hope everything is going well at your homes and places of work and you're all staying safe and blessed by the Lord! Take care

me

Positive Thought of the day: I think I was called by God today to my line of work.

да да!

So I'm in Russia. Yes...very far. Very cold. Having the f*****g time of my life. I probably won't be blogging for a while. If I do it will be very infrequent.

Just a few things. I got here and had MAJOR culture shock. There was this boy I thought I liked and I was just like WHAT??? Needless to say I scared him off by being so weird about it but now we're cool. Aside from that, I am severely confused about my sexuality and questioning it heavily.

Apparently K wants to date my sorority sister. Ugh..whatever. I'm so over it.

All together, I've realized so many things about myself being here and I am so much more thankful for the world we live in. I hope anyone who actually reads this checks back in a few weeks for my update because there's lots I want to share about what I've learned.

Hope you and your families and loved ones are all doing well. Much love,

me

You KNOW...

...I do NOT go around questioning your heterosexuality. So I'd really freakin appreciate it if you stopped questioning my homosexuality. Even if it is a phase, that's none of your damn business. I'm am going to LOVE and have SEX and KISS and HOLD HANDS and CHECK OUT whoever I frickin want. I REPEAT...I do NOT question you...so would EVERYONE just STOP questioning me?! I have enough going on...

URGH I AM SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Bee by the Bathroom

My bathroom here at home has a window high above the shower that faces our front yard. We recently dug up our rock bed that was underneath that window and put some soil and hibiscus in there. Ever since the flowers bloomed, our front yard has been full of bees. In the past few weeks when I was in the bathroom I'd hear a buzzing sound so I assumed some bees were building (word choice?) a hive outside my bathroom window. I thought it dangerous for my younger cousins if the hive were to fall and bees go everywhere, so I planned on eventually going out there and spraying the crap out of it with RAID.

This morning on my way to the car with my mom, my mom goes "Oh look, the Mama bee is dead." I was wondering how she had decided it was a "Mama bee" when I noticed it had an egg sack attached to it. The bee was all crumpled up in the middle of our garage, far from the growing hive.

I got in the car and to my surprise I started to cry. I don't know what bothered me about it so much but I was devastated at the loss of this bee! Now don't get me wrong, I am a big animal lover - we have so many pets at home and I would be a zoologist if I wasn't so bad at science, but I don't usually just break into tears when I see insects dead.

I thought more about it and I realized - what if it had to do with the fact that it was a Mama Bee (a Queen bee)? I certainly have a recognized, extreme fear of my own children dying let alone a fear I will never be able to have children some day.

One thing you should understand is I have this re-occuring dream whenever my life gets a certain way. The dream takes on different settings and supporting characters but it's always basically the same: me having a baby. Eventually, it always ends the same. The baby dies right after it's born. I always wake up crying from these dreams. Whenever I have a dream like this my life is usually out of control. What I'm wondering now is - what's out of control???

R.I.P. Mama Bee

-me

Positive Thought of the Day- I have a DATE tomorrow :D

Weekend (almost) Update

I'm a really bad blogger...I do not pay attention to my commenting subscribers and I never update. So here I am doing a update for the past month or so

-I started a new blog for all my travels. Check it out on my profile
-I broke up with K...for the last time. We haven't been talking much but we're still friends.
-I finished my first summer session and now I'm in the second one (not doing as well; first session I got an A...this session I've been absent a lot) taking Social Deviants.
-I leave for Russia in 27 days, California in only 20
-I've been working a couple days a week; I love my job :)
-I started going to the gym every morning then I got sick and stopped...I think I'll go back a few times before I leave.
-I saw 'Wanted' 'The X-Files' and 'Mamma Mia' ...so so, good, and very good
-I've been hanging out with my family a lot.
-My cousin had her baby. He's sooo adorable. I've been hanging out with her family a lot and improving my parenting skills...hehe (no no no, no kids coming for me any time soon)

Other than that, everything is pretty much the same

I hope everyone is doing well. I hope to be keeping up with you all more :)

-me

Positive Thought of the Day: I went swimming with all my cousins for like an hour today. It was the most fun I've had all summer.

Never Have I Ever...

...walked out of a movie. Tonight I did.

One of my Best Friends came home on Saturday and we finally got to hang out tonight. We decided to go and see "The Happening" at the mall near my house. We did some catch up as we ate snacks and ignored lame previews. Then, the movie started. From the first second I knew it was bad. And I don't mean bad like "Meet the Spartans" bad...I mean that movie was just dumb but I even sat through that. But "The Happening" was downright awful - we walked out and I was trembling and in tears. WARNING: the following contains spoilers for the movie.

In the first two minutes of the movie it shows a woman stabbing herself. A minute later you watch a few dozen men jumping off buildings and falling to there death as they break their necks. The story line unfolds and you find out there is an airborne toxin that is inhibiting our "self preservation" neurotoxins - in other words, it's causing people to kill themselves. Next you see a woman gouge out her jugular with her car keys. Then you see a cop shoot his brains out; a man watches then gets out of his car, grabs the same gun and shoots HIS brains out. A woman is looking on, walks over and grabs the SAME gun and shoots her brains out. Next the main characters get seperated and one is driving through this small town. Two of the characters see a video sent via blackberry of a man feeding himself to the lions at a local zoo and they show the man being eaten alive. Then they come upon a tree trimming truck but it's abandoned. Further up the road, the half dozen tree trimmers have hung themselves in the trees they were trimming. The toxin is obviously in the air now and so the one main character is in a car full of people who are talking and suddenly get a glazed look over their face and stop the car. Suddenly they rev the cars engine and crash it full speed into a tree - all the bodies tumble out in unnatural positions. The main character is the only one to survive, gets out, grabs a piece of the broken windshield and stabs himself in the neck. The rest of the main characters are in another part of town and drive upon something in the road. They use binoculars to see that it is a massive pile of bodies.

I had been contemplating leaving ever since I saw the hangings, but the pile of bodies pushed me over the edge and I told my friend I was leaving with or without her. We ended up walking out with some people actually following us.

All of this happened within the first half hour of the movie. I couldn't bare to see what would happen if I stayed. I didn't want to see children killing themselves and I felt it may be coming. I don't know - I didn't stay. I have honestly NEVER ever walked out on a movie in my life. I give everything a fair chance no matter how crappy it may be. But this was downright wrong. How could you make a movie about something so inappropriate? I cried for an hour after I left. Some might say that makes me weak or weird but this movie literally shook me to the core.

I think I was so bothered by this film for two reasons. One - the movie SHOWED the people dying. I understand death is a natural process and I understand that it was JUST a movie but to show something so...not sacred, but what's the word....taboo? No...so, ineffable...I guess. To show it in such a disrespectful and careless way is just wrong. This leads to the second reasons why I was disturbed by this movie. I am someone who does not take things lightly and I especially value my life as I was once someone who took it for granted. I tried to take my own life twice in my existence and both times came very close to succeeding. To so casually portray death by those means just brought back the hell on earth I had experienced so long ago. I know it is the past but still it just really shook my core.

I honestly don't think I hope to achieve anything by writing this blog. I think I just needed it for cleansing sake. "The Happening," in my opinion is a terrible and awful movie and I will never see it again. It offended and terrified me.


In happier news, I'm home for the summer. I'm taking one sociology class at the main university in the morning and working at Gymbo in the afternoon (the clothing, not the play one). Im glad to be home with my family however I'm sad to be away from K and I feel really isolated here. Good practice for Russia I suppose.

On the news tonight I saw a gay couple from my state is getting married and having a baby. It just made me so happy to know that it was possible where I LIVED.

Oh, now I remember what I was going to write. I need money. No I'm not asking for handouts. But I was looking on craigslist for a second job and I read that they give 5k for egg donors. I first wanted to do it just because of the money but now I'm thinking more deeply about it - some day me and K or me and someone are going to depend on sperm donors to bring a child into this world. There are people out there doing there part to help make mine and K's dreams come true - should I do the same to help someone else's dreams come true? Here's what I've come up with:

Pros:
Helping a couple in need (esp. gay couples)
money (getting out of debt, spending money abroad, going to sorority sisters wedding this summer)

Cons:
I take medication
There could be a child of mine out there that I don't know
I'm not in the BEST of shape

any suggestions?

me

Positive Thought of the Day: I've started blogging again!

PLEEE-HEEEE-EEEEZZ

If you read this (I don't think many people do...I'm not very communicative with comments, etc. ... it's summer now though so I plan on blogging more), I really need your support. And if you have the time, I'd love it if you passed this on to your friends. I need your votes on this contest because, as some of you know, I'm studying abroad this upcoming school year. I'll be in Russia in the winter and in South Africa for that hemisphere's winter as well. However, I go to school and live in very warm and humid climates - I have no cold weather clothes. The prize for this contest is a $500 yes...five HUNDRED dollar gift card to Northface. I really need clothes for my travels that will withstand the weather I'm going to encounter. Thanks for your help.

Never Stop Exploring™ Photo Challenge Brickfish

Short update:
K and I are so so (ya, we're still together...even though we broke up twice)
I passed all my classes (barely for one)
I'm taking summer school
I'm back working
I joined a Gym

me

sore excuse

I haven't written in a long time

my apologies

finals, moving home, getting ready for Russia, and things with K have kept me busy

now I'm on to summer school and work and more preparations for Russia

when I manage to find some free time I'll do a real update

I know that's a sore excuse because all you superb bloggers out there have very little free time

but, nonetheless...

me

positive thought of the day: i spent time with my cousins watching the new indiana jones movie

Lucky

Do you ever have a moment when you realize how lucky you are? Well, I did just the other day.

I live in a unique building on our campus. It's composed of three wings - the north and south wing are dorms and the middle wing is apartments. I live in the middle wing and everything is completely enclosed. Our campus is kept impeccably clean. You rarely see people cleaning - it's sorta like there's Ooompa Loompas or something wandering around. The hallway in front of my front door is usually pretty messy in the afternoon - those 'red cups,' crumpled homework, and miscellaneous junk food wrappers are strewn across the floor. When I leave in the morning though the floor is clear and the carpet is vacuumed neatly in one direction. My apartment is the first apartment in the hallway so I can usually hear whoever it is start to vacuum in the morning when I get ready, but by the time I leave for class they've magically disappeared.

On the days I actually do sleep in my own room and of those days which I do actually get up and go to class (I'll speak more on that in a bit...), I usually leave with enough time to get to class. The other morning I was really late; apparently so were the hallway cleaning Oompa Loompas. There was a woman vacuuming the hallway very fervently with her head down. When I opened my door she looked up, smiled, and said Good morning to me (which I think they're like required to do or something based on some chauvinistic rule our school may have). She looked me straight in the eye and my world literally froze - she was me. Now it wasn't an ACTUAL sci-fi moment; she was Mexican and I was Caucasian, she was wearing a uniform and I was wearing a baby doll dress, she was carrying a backpack vacuum and I was carrying a backpack filled with textbooks and papers. But this girl was easily 19 or 20...just like me.

Anyhow, it all made me realize so much. How lucky am I - how lucky are each of us in our own unique way? I am going to a University that tuition alone for just one year could bring water to a third world country. I own more than 12 pairs of jeans , 20 dresses, too many shirts and too many shoes and gallons of perfume - when am I ever going to actually wear all that crap? I have my own laptop, my own cell phone, my own mp3 player, my own digital camera - none of which do I think twice about the batteries/bills/insurance. And these are just material things that I'm blessed with. I'm blessed with an amazing family and a girlfriend who loves me so much. Now I don't know jack about the girl in the hallway; for all I know, she could vacuum college dorm rooms as a hobby and actually take in 120K a year on her own. But it was the principle of the whole thing - there are people out there who don't have anything close to what I have.

That was just the start of it all.

Let's rewind just a tiny bit and let me give you some background on how my semester has been so far. First half before spring break was pretty decent - I skipped a few classes here and there; had a rough patch with one assignment. After spring break I pretty much STOPPED going to class. I came up with countless excuses like I had caught mono from K or I was throwing up or I over-slept. Basically though I just slept all the time - missing classes, work, and appointments. The only real explanation I have is that I had been off my meds for a bit and my depression had kicked in and I just wanted to "sleep life away," if that makes sense. Sometimes I would sleep in K's room which is closer to campus which I had hoped would motivate me to get going in the morning. That plan failed. Sleeping in my own room was just disaster because I would obviously just sleep in.

Well, this past Wednesday I skipped class as usual. I missed a test as I had done before in this class and later in the day went out and gallivanted with K (while missing work). Today I decided to actually GO to class. The teacher sorta just stared me down as I walked in and spoke to me in front of the whole class. In so many words she told me she was kicking me out of her class. I wanted to cry. However, she said I might have one last chance and if I staid in class today she'd talk to the department head about what had become my 'case.' Believe you me I staid and I went to my next class.

Basically, with all this I've realized I take so much for granted. I play so many people for fools and I always take the easy way out. I'm always making excuses. I think I finally realized I'm in the real world. I'm going to be going to a very 'harsh' and 'real' country in a couple months and if I don't shape up now, who knows what they'll do to me there. I can't fix the past - what's done is done. However I am going to make things right with my teachers, work, and my friends. This time I'm going to tell them the truth and make no excuses. If there is no explanation for my actions, I'll tell them so and suffer the consequences. I have to start acting my age. I want to turn 20 and actually be an adult. I also realized I spend way too much time with K. That has got to change. I don't know if I'm going to break up with her, I don't know if she's 'the one,' I don't know a lot of things - my feelings change everyday which to me sorta says I'm not sure. My mother who is my best friend always told me when you're not sure don't do it. For now, I'll just go day by day - I won't break any hearts; I won't buy any wedding dresses.

Lastly K and I got to meet Julie Andrews tonight. I asked Julie what her favorite piece of advice was. I will leave you with that this evening to ponder, as it will be what I am pondering as I slumber. Julie's words of advice? "When in doubt - stand still."

me


Positive Thought of the Day: my past no longer defines me; it is a part of me as is my future - the only thing that defines me is what I make of the now...I realize this now

Mood Swings

It was so long ago but I never summed up...

My New England Adventure
After my last post on my trip, the following took place:

Tuesday: Walked along the coast of RI, picked up my cousin from daycare, relaxed

Wednesday: Visited "The Breakers" mansion - the Vanderbilt family summer home, went shopping, saw "Penelope"

Thursday: Went to a few bookstores, bought the new 'Curve' with Dani on the cover, moved my stuff from one cousin's house to another, met my other cousin at her 'home', went out to dinner at this fancy chop suey place and caught chicken on my head that was flown at me, bonded with my cousin and watched 'Jacob'...boring movie

Friday: Did Ukranian egg dying and had dinner with the whole family

Saturday: Visited NYC! Saw the empire state building, fashion avenue, the statue of liberty, ellis island, and time square - ate lunch at this fancy rib place

Sunday: Easter...had lunch with the family then flew home

The Girlfriend
Talk about serious drama. Have you ever really, really liked someone but just not 'felt it' anymore? I don't even get why I'm feeling this way; it's like I'm having a major mood swing - one second I want to have her babies and the next I just want to be friends. I'm too much of a coward though to tell her. I sorta kind of tried breaking up with her but it just turned into us fighting then talking then going to our own rooms then fighting then talking then going to our own rooms then crying then fooling around then pretending everything was ok. My therapist thinks it's because I was off my meds and I'm having mood swings; my academic adviser thinks I should end it; my mom thinks I'm too young for love in the first place...any thoughts?


Practically Perfect in Every Way
So my worship of false idols pretty much goes like this - Audrey Hepburn, Julie Andrews, all other humans. Seeing as I won't get to meet my ultimate idol...I literally cried when I found out Julie Andrews would be in the area on the 8th. K and I skipped school to see her. However - K and I fought about when to get there and we ended up getting there too late. They cut the line off about 10 people before us. I was devastated. K is trying to make it up to me by taking me to another of Julie's book signings in Beverly Hills next Friday. Let's hope this time I get to actually meet her and tell her how much Mary Poppins impacted my fragile childhood.


Clothesline
So there's a group on our campus called CARES - creating a rape-free environment for students. Periodically they bring this event to campus called "clothesline" in which literal clotheslines are set up around the campus and hundreds of shirts are hung up. Each shirt is unique as people have made them to reflect their experiences. Each color shirt means something:

White -- Women who have been murdered as a result of sexual or domestic violence.
Red, pink or orange -- Women who have been raped or sexually assaulted
Yellow or beige -- Women who have been battered
Blue or green -- Women survivors of incest or child sexual abuse
Purple or lavender -- Women attacked because they were or were thought to be lesbian

I used to work with CARES every once in a great while last semester so I decided to make a shirt. I picked a shirt (if you're wondering...I'm a blue) and decorated it. I was so proud when I was finished and felt like i had brought a tiny bit more of closure to my situation. I know there are things I will never forget - things that will always just totally suck, but attempting to bring closure to them helps. Anyhow, I couldn't get a picture of it up because it had to dry so I'll describe it to you: In blue glitter glue I wrote in cursive "They said I was too young to remember." Then underneath in black sharpie in all messy capital letters I wrote "But I will never forget what you did to me." I was very proud of myself.

In other news, my mom was in town for a while. I can honestly say with my whole heart my mom is my best friend. I love when she comes to visit. She is the most amazing and strongest woman I know. I wouldn't be alive today without her. Everyone tell your Mom(s) and/or Dad(s) or whoevers that you love them - let's be thankful for the precious people in our lives today!

me

Positive Thought of the Day: I'm starting to get my life back in order - homework is shaping up, I'm working out more, eating healthier, and working on my emotions :)

Update

So I haven't written in a while. I'll write much more later. I just wanted to check in and say me and K are doing ok...school is decent...I'm off to Russia in a few months..aaaaaaaaand-I MEET JULIE ANDREWS TOMORROW!

me

positive thought of the day: I had an amazing visit with my mom...oh! and I turn 20 in 22 days!

baby, be patient

"To really love a woman let her hold you till you know how she needs to be touched. You've gotta breathe her, really taste her, till you can feel her in your blood. Then, when you can see your unborn children in her eyes, you know you really love a woman." - Unknown (Well maybe it's known but I saw it on some woman's blog and it wasn't quoted)

I really like that quote, but I can't help but feel totally and utterly impatient. I don't even turn 20 for another 5 weeks. I'm still a teenager. But I've wanted children for as far back as I can remember. And I'm with K. And I love her. I'm in love with her. It's not infatuation or obsession or attraction - I've known those feelings before. I'm listening to this song right now by Avalon called "Testify to Love" and while the meaning is sorta different, I can't help but put it into any other words-I can testify to this love I have for K. I want to have her children. But alas the impatience - we've only been together 3 months.

First off though, you know how I know I love her? She doesn't 'make' me happy. Let me explain. I took this interpersonal comm studies class and my professor explained to the class that one of the number one reasons for divorce was that couples cited that their partner didn't 'make' them happy anymore. The thing is, it's not the other person's responsibility to make you happy. If anything, happiness should be a byproduct of the relationship. And that's what it's like for me and K. I'm happy on my own - I'm content with the life I lead and I like the individual I am. Being with K just makes me even happier.

I love her because we share the same dreams. I knew she was special when I was in her room for the very first time. I saw a picture of her brother who's adopted. Then I saw another picture of two other children who looked like her brother. I asked if they were her siblings also. She said no - they were 'her' kids. I was taken aback - she had kids already? Then she explained she sponsored two kids and it was her dream to someday go and live with them across the world. I was blown out of the water. I have dreamed of doing something like that for so long yet I'd never actually acted on it. (btw...if you want to hear something quasi related to this subject that's h-i-l-a-r-i-o-u-s, download Dane Cook's "15 cents" ...moving on). We talk frequently about the dreams we share and it's almost spooky how similar they are.

I love her because she inspires me to be a better person. I want to get into better shape and eat healthier and pray more and curse less and all kinds of other things. For example, lets first make a ridiculously long and over-personal story short -I used to be an addict to something very dangerous. I haven't given in to my addiction since I've been with K and I don't even think about it...it doesn't even tiptoe across my mind anymore. Part of that I've done on my own; part of that I've done with help from K.

I seriously want to tell everyone I meet that I am in love with this amazing woman. For K, this is her first everything - kiss, relationship, 'time,' etc...because of her faith she doesn't feel we should...well, for lack of a better word - 'do it.' Now, the average American sleeps with 11 people in their lifetime - let's just say I'm above average. On top of that, I've been in a handful of relationships. Either way, I've been with people (both men and women) who felt they weren't ready to take a certain step yet. The old me - the me that didn't have a clue who I was, who was afraid to be alone, who still let her Daddy issues bother her, who slept around, who was a major pessimist - she would've pushed K away. But now? I would wait forever for K. If she told me she'd spend the rest of her life with me but without sex I think I'd say yes (I say 'think' because I'm not actually in that situation and can't speak for myself then). There's still ONE thing I haven't done with a woman and K knows that and she says with that in mind and the fact that I respect her so much - she still considers me a 'gold star' in her eyes.

Soooooooooooooo...what's the problem you ask? Well, how can I feel this way? Is it because at such a young age I've already been around the block a countless amount of times, experiencing shit some 40 year olds are still clueless to? Now don't get me wrong - I'm not complaining; I think everyone bares their own cross and some are harder than others and some are easier than others but whatever the case we're given what we can handle. Basically, don't get in a huff thinking that I'm calling myself some hero for dealing with crap.

I don't seem to be making progress with this blog. Why don't I start just listing questions I have. Maybe something will start to make sense. People have high school sweet hearts - is it possible to have a college sweet heart? Will K and I really last? What if she doesn't even feel the same way - I think she does. :/ See, the thing is I really think things are going to last because, like the quote says, I can see my unborn child in her eyes. This is basically why I'm writing this blog tonight. I've been reading dozens of couples' TTC blogs and I have so much respect and admiration for these women. I realize most all of them have been together for a long time and only recently TTC'd (I don't know if I used that acronym correctly...so shoot me if I didn't). If anything, my biggest question that I have is this -

Why do I already feel so passionately about having children with K?

some sub-questions would be: did any of you couples ever feel like that when you were first starting out? is something wrong...am i doing something wrong? I'm so confused. Someone please help just for a sec.

me

Positive Thought of the Day: I bonded with my cousin and now I get to sleep :)

Helpless...Again

K is sick again.
She went to the ER today for the fourth time in the past two weeks.
I'm thousands of miles away from her - utterly helpless.
Not that I could do anything if I was with her..but still.
It's so hard to 'let go and let God' as one blogger suggested.
I know for a fact - I am truly and completely in love with K.
She means the world to me.
I just want her to be ok.

Today wasn't much of an adventure - Woke up at 11; took a walk on the shore; drove around town; picked up my cousin from pre-school; showered; shopped; ate and now I'm here. Tomorrow we're touring this big mansion and doing some shopping.

me

My New England Adventure - Part 1

This is going to be super long...feel free to jump around and read words that jump out. Here's a basic outline:
-Leaving California
-Arriving in RI and letting my family know I'm a Lesbian
-Spending the Day in Boston
-Some Random Thoughts
-The Positive Thought of the Day

DEPARTURE
So RIGHT before we left for the airport, K and I got into a nasty little tiff. It was super awkward and I made her feel bad AND cry and that just made ME feel awful. We cleared things up as far as I'm concerned and I left on a good note. It was sad to say goodbye even though it's just for a week. I don't like being away from her; at the same time I'm my own person and can survive. The plane ride was a lot shorter than expected. I got one of those pre-packaged meals and it was gross. What ever happened to the days of free food on planes. Then again that was gross too. Anyhow, I got to D.C. and transfered planes and finally made it to Providence. The whole gang was waiting for me there. Four of my .... (counts) nine cousins I'm visiting jumped up to greet me and help me with my bags. Yes, bagS ...I don't pack lite. We took a quick tour of Providence then got breakfast at some place that's very self serving. I mean like you do everything for yourself practically - at least that was our experience. It was called Au pan Au bon or something???? Any New Englanders reading are probably laughing. Oh well.

AWKWARD...
On the way to Newport we stopped by two of my cousin's school. My older cousin was like "Oh...Gracie plays crew...do you know what crew is?" Well of course I do - K does crew and talks to me about it all the time so without thinking I was like "oh yah my girlfriend does crew" ...oops. First Slip. A little later we were talking about my school:

Cousin Jackie: So why'd you pick your school?

Me: The town reminded me a lot of home, my major is popular, and I asked every school I visited the same question and my school was the only one that gave me the answer I wanted.

CJ: What'd you ask?

Me: What's your tolerance for diversity?

CJ: So why were you looking for diversity?

Me: Uh... (thinks quickly and can't come up with anything except 'I like Mexican people')
Well...let me ask you something first

CJ: sure

Me: Are you really religious?

CJ: I think so?

Me: Would you consider yourself a conservative?

CJ: I'd like to think so

Me: Boy this is awkward...

CJ: Just say it

Me: Well like I said..I have a girlfriend AndIfThatBothersYouICanTotallyGoHomeAndImSoSorry ...

CJ: NO!!!!!! No! Noooo ...no...no

Me: Well yah, that's why I asked about diversity

CJ: oh...

Rest of Cousins in back seat: OH COOL ::fake smiles::

-awkward silence for remainder of car ride-

Don't ask me why I gauge how people are going to recieve my being gay by asking them if they're religious and/or conservative. I either ask them that or if they've seen Rent and Angels in America but when I ask the latter question they usually end up thinking I'm trying to tell them I have AIDS. And also...I don't know why I offered to go home; if my family wasn't going to accept me then that would've been there problem, but yah...more on that later. We finally got to Newport and to my cousin Kevin's house. I was greeted by lots of food and smiles. I dropped another bomb by accidentally mentioning K once again and inducing more silence. My cousin michael who is 5 taught me how to play Wii (I've never played before...needless to say it was awesome), then we had dinner which was equally awesome. Then came time for bed. It was Sunday night and I hadn't slept since Friday.

THE CLIMAX
So I'm up in the room I've been allotted talking to K on the phone and start crying about the awful sudden awkwardness with this new branch of family I've just met for the first time. I call my Mom who gets upset that I'M crying and calls my cousin Kevin's wife and makes MARY CRY because she feels bad that I'm her guest and I'm upset and comes upstairs and hugs me and basically tells me she's glad I'm a lesbian and no one gives a shit about the choices I make (she meant it nicely). All in all, I felt better - showered - and slept for 12 hours.

BOSTON
I've already written a lot so I'll sum up my day in the city as quickly as possible. I woke up (forgetting it was St. Patrick's Day) and threw on some green. We drove about an hour and a half to the T station and caught the train into the city where we visited Fenway park only to pay an arm and a leg to see basically nothing - it's off season and the park is being renovated. I got to see the "green monster" though and sit in the oldest seats in baseball though. Next we caught the T to the beginning of the Freedom Trail and walked the-whole-thing. I didn't know it would be that long. Took a lot of pictures...saw a lot of cool things. Understatement of the year. Favorite part would have to be seeing the grave of Mother Goose. Next, caught the ferry back to the main part of town and got some lunch then went to Harvard...we were all pretty tired by then so we just browsed around the bookstore. I saw a textbook written by a professor at my school and told my cousin "hey..this guy teaches at MY school" and what HAD to be a Harvard student just snickered and brushed by me. I bought an old Harvard textbook on gay studies and a book for K's cousin who's staying with her. We then went home and had an awesome dinner and here I am. :)

RANDOM THOUGHTS
-Will I really get married to a woman? Will it be marriage someday or just something like it in a state that allows it? Or will it just be a commitment ceremony? Or will I just be a chronic dater?

-Will I have children? Will they have a father?

-Why do I think about the future so much?

-If you respond to one thing in this post - tell me this: What's your definition of love?

me

p.s. ...it was COLD today! And it's only going to be colder in Russia, which, BY THE WAY, I got accepted to. Fall '08 study abroad here I come.

Positive Thought of the Day: I saw a city I've never seen before...and I fancied up my blog!

Cats Don't Eat Cheeze Nips

So my title this evening is a little more than random. But I'm currently eating cheeze nips and a memory has all of a sudden come back to me so sit tight and it will be explained.

I've always had cats around me as pets growing up. One day at my old, old house (two olds because it wasnt the one before the one I call home now, but the one before that one), my mom was doing laundry outside and one of the cats was sitting on the dryer. I was eating cheeze nips and I decided to feed my cat some. She apparently did not like them very much. I thought to myself "cat's don't eat cheeze nips.....that sounds an awful lot like a book title...I will someday write a book with that title."

Well, seeing that I will most likely never get to that book let alone fathom wtf it would be about, I'm going to title SOMETHING in my life "cat's don't eat cheeze nips" and call it a day.

I know you wanted to know all that.

Speaking of cheeze nips...do you like them better or less than cheese-its??? I think cheese-its taste like cat treats and cheeze nips are much better.

So now to the real news. I met K's parents. Very...very...very interesting. At first there was this big confusion and we thought they didn't want to meet me and on top of that I gave K her birthday present (the gps) and she didn't like it and said to return it and on top of THAT she had spent the evening in the ER with me at home worrying my brains out. So all together I just freeeaked out and K and I had a big cry fest friday night. Everything turned out ok though. I ended up meeting the parents (see below), I'm still a tad miffed about the whole gps thing but it's my fault for not paying attention and hey..i'll get some 250 plus dollars back, and K went to the doctor today and things are alright for now.

Sadly I ended up skipping my sorority retreat this weekend but I wasn't feeling that hot and I got a chance to meet K's parents. Overall I'm satisfied with the decision I made. We went to D-land and everyone was all excited and I was the last one in the gate and the lady wouldn't let me in - it was a blockout day for my pass! I was so embarrassed. And to make things even worse, K's parents paid for my blockout ticket. That was so kind of them...especially since they don't even know me and I'm perpetuating their daughters lifestyle choice that they don't reall agree with. After D-land we went to dinner and I ended up talking to K's mom for quite a bit (she was the one I was a little more leary of). In the end it was a great night and I'm really glad I got to meet them.

I'm inserting the positive thought of the day right here for today's post - I'm not pregnant! To make a long story short...I came out of the closet and went back in for a while and while in there I did some crazy stuff that could've potentially landed me in a lot of trouble. I went to the health center yesterday because I'm feeling nauseous and having trouble breathing; I realized (only then...don't ask why I was so unobservant) I had missed my period too. They gave me a test and thankfully I'm not with child from the last inconsiderate jerk who took advantage of me. As for the whole health center thing I have the beginning of the flu and I got a new inhaler.

Last night K and I watched the L word and prayed together. It was a really nice evening. I love praying with her. She knows so much about her faith and it's brining me back to mine - I just love it. So things were good... until right before she left. We started talking about my shady past and we got into a little tiff and it really upset me. I realized I was more upset than usual because I haven't taken my medicine (the cocktail of anti-depressants I've been on for 7 years) for almost a week. We resolved things though. I'm still left feeling really bad about my past though. Sometimes I wish I could just make it disappear even though I know it has made me who I am today. K wrote me a really nice letter apologizing (in a sense) and that helped ease the pain a bit.

Anyhow, I have a ton of work to do. A research paper that I already got an extension on, a group project, and a spanish composition. I feel really overwhelmed at the moment. In the coming weeks I will be needing some help from some of you out there for the latter part of the research project. Keep in mind you must be 26 years old or older. More to come later though.

me

patience

K is sick again

I just read this book about meditation so I could get my mind of things and I stumbled upon a verse that said "infinite patience yields instant results"...if only I could have infinite patience

Meet the Parents

...I do so in 4 days. ::gulp::
What will they think of me?

Well, any how...I'm starting to feel that I am not very good at this whole blogging thing. It seems that whenever I'm down and out the ideal thing would be to flush out all my feelings into this here blog. But my problem is that whenever I'm down and out I feel totally void of all capacity to write coherent thoughts.

I had ubuntu tonight. For those of you who don't know what ubuntu is...well, it's sorta hard to explain but basically it's a feeling that can best be described as feeling for humanity. I didn't do very well in explaining it but here at school we have a dialog circle that meets every Monday and talks about diversity issues...and stuff. I'm so eloquent.

What we talked about tonight was cultural stereotypes. We spoke not of the intention of stereotypes (to categorize something unfamiliar) but their impact on individuals. I said I felt that even though certain stereotypes are perpetuated more than others, I think they affect us all equally. Now don't get me wrong (because some people did), I think certain stereotypes are INDEED more powerful than others. My idea is though that just because you are sterotyped as one thing (black, gay man, etc.) doesn't mean that someone else being sterotyped as something seemingly less powerful (white, gay woman, etc.) isn't going to be affected just the same. Any thoughts?

Things are a lot better with sorority life. I had a break down in meeting a few weeks back and just spilled my guts about how I really felt. To make a long story short things are getting better. We have our retreat Saturday.

Speaking of Saturday, it's K's birthday. I sucked it up and made a decision on my own finally to get her the Garmin nuvi 350. At least I think that's what it's called. Now I just have to figure out what to do about a card (I usually make them). Any ideas?

School is ok...falling behind a bit though. All in all I was feeling a bit down today. Didn't even go to work. But in short, me and K went and got donuts and she made me feel much better. That's all for now.

me

Positive Thought of the Day - Today was an amazing food day. I had a krispy kreme for some fundraiser, they had corndogs and pasta salad for lunch, they had captain crunch in the caf, dinner was meatloaf and funfetti cake (seperately), and then I had a donut. Yes-I'm a junk food fiend.

what's the difference...

what's the difference...

between being annoyed...

and falling out of love???

:/

feeling life

So K had her endoscopy today. No...she didn't die. Thankful doesn't even do justice to describe how I feel, but I guess that'll have to do. I'm so incredibly thankful that the woman I'm in love with is safe. Now, once she's finally in my arms (hopefully by tomorrow night-probably thursday morning) I'll feel better.

I do feel bad though for being such a big baby and being so selfish. I've been constantly crying and telling K how much this bothers me when in reality I should have just sucked it up and been tough. This must be so difficult for her and I need to be there for her as someone to lean on. I keep saying sorry (a bad habit of mine), but I still feel guilty. Why???

Research
So I'm trying to keep my mind off of K not doing so well by keeping my mind on school. If only i could actually grasp what the hell is going on in any of my classes. I have a project due in social research design. It's a design of a research project, researching anything I want. Any ideas? My current topic on file with the professor is whether or not there's a difference between heterosexual women and homosexual women and their views on whether or not lesbians should be mothers. My next project is for persuasion. It's a group project so I'm not alone on this one, but we still haven't gotten the ball rolling. We have to analyze an artifact and how it is persuasive. We can use any media artifact....any commercial, tv show, or movie. Any suggestions there? My last project is for Forensics. I have to do a research paper on any forensics related subject I want. What is with this "anything we want"? How about some specifics people? I need SOME guidelines. Any ideas for forensics???

I need one last suggestion. K's birthday is upon us...I'm going to get her a GPS. Right now I'm going with the Garmin nuvi 350. Does anybody have/use/suggest anything different?

Vent
So I guess I'm not done. I have so much on my mind. I feel like I'm such a bad girlfriend. K is so good to me and I've made such a big deal out of this sickness thing lately when I feel I should have just been calm and strong for her. I say sorry too much. I'm just overall guilty too much! Plus I'm worried I'm putting too much focus on K. Don't get me wrong. I am madly in love with this woman but I have this bad habit of putting all my eggs in one basket. And see-look at me, she's all I can talk about. I thought this time would be different and I'd keep all my...'eggs?' evenly distributed, but I don't know. I feel like my mind is running a million miles a minute. Something else bothering me is I don't feel close to God. I haven't felt close to Him in a long time but lately it's been bothering me a lot. Why am I so emotional? No-it's not 'that time' of the month. And I've been on 4 different anti-depressants/mood stabilizers for the past 7 years to avoid these feelings. Maybe I've just finally developed a tolerance and I'm beginning to feel life. I seriously feel like zach braff in 'garden state' when he talks about not being able to feel feelings. Sometimes I seriously just feel dead to the world. None of this makes sense. That's another thing. I used to be such a great writer and it didn't take any effort. Now it takes blood sweat and tears for me to get out something the least bit comprehensible. Oh bother. I guess nothing is ever perfect

me

Positive Thought of the Day: K is feeling better.

1 in 2000

My girlfriend is having an endoscopy tomorrow.

1 in 2000 people die from endoscopies.

I know the odds are ridiculous and I need to be positive...but if I lose just one more person, I don't think I could take it anymore.

Thank you everyone for your prayers.

me

Positive Thought of the Day: My sister complemented my hair today

Helpless

Very few times in my life have I felt this helpless. I actually think the last time I felt like this, I was sitting on the cold tile floor of a padded room with my wrists bleeding pulling out my hair and asking God to end everything.

Now I'm sitting in a completely different setting. I'm not 20 pounds underweight, I'm not losing my hair, and my wrists aren't bleeding. It's quite the contrary - I'm sitting here eating some fatty mashed potatoes and fish sticks, my long hair is back in a headband, and my scars are all but gone.

The phone rings and it's K. Hearing her voice makes the tears stop. Why the tears you ask? Well, this is how it all started...

K is going out of the country in May so her doctor prescribed her this typhoid vaccine. The vaccine is a pill. She took it on Wednesday and since then she's had this feeling that it was sorta stuck in her throat. She's gotten shortness of breath, acid reflux, and chest pain. I finally convinced her to go to the clinic yesterday. We spent two hours there (not bad...last time we went for my bronchitis it was almost four) and they didn't do much. K called her mom who suggested she call her doctor at home. The doctor said either she go to the ER here (where she and I are at school), or go home and go to the gastroenterologist. Her parents opted for her to fly home.

I wanted to go. I had the money to go. I had no tests and quizzes - I could go. She wanted me to go. Her parents said no. They definitely don't approve of me ... but that's another story.

So here I am - helpless. I'm terrified the love of my life is never going to come back. I know that's ridiculously unrealistic but if you knew the story of my life you'd know that almost everyone I've ever truly loved has had to leave. That's what it felt like when we dropped K off at the airport today. I feel selfish for crying because this isn't about me. I know she's where she needs to be but I'm just so upset I can't be there for her. I need to really get a grip because I leave for Russia in 6 months to spend a semester there and if I can't even last a few days without K how am I going to last a semester?

I've never loved anyone like I've loved K. I can seriously see myself spending the rest of my life with her. I guess all I can do now is put things in the Lord's hands. I know not many or maybe even nobody will read this, but if you do and if you feel you can - could you just say a short prayer for K? It would mean the world to me

me

Positive Thought of the Day: K and I went to church together

the basics

Seeing as I'm new to all this, I figured I'd give those of you who might be reading this a basic run down of what I'm doing here and who I am. So what I'm doing here. Well, I started off 2008 with the mantra "2008 - it's gonna be great!"...in other words, I wanted to be a lot more positive than I had been. If you'd known me at any time in my life from the age of 3 to presently, you'd probably posit I'm a relatively pessimistic individual. But that's a different story for a different time. Anyhow, I wasn't being very positive in 2008 and so just a few days ago my girlfriend (we will call her K) and I had a chat. I'd heard about her blog before and we'd agreed I wouldn't read it. It was her time and space to write down how she felt without anyone passing judgment. After our chat though (another story...don't worry, I'll share that one in just a bit), she shared with me one of her blog entries and it inspired me to get one of my own. I told her about it and she suggested not only do I write in it privately as she does, but I should also write down one positive thing that happens each day. So, that is what has brought me here.

So, who am I? Well you could label me lots of things - woman, almost-20-year-old, Christian, Lesbian, student, teacher's aide, daughter, girlfriend, sorority girl (not in that order). Well I'm feeling not so creative anymore so I think I'll stop writing. Plus I have some homework to get to. Until later...

me

Today's Positive Thought: I am loved

Brand New

Yay this is so exciting...I have a blog. My girlfriend has one and it seemed like a good outlet so I decided - hey, what the heck. I actually have class in like 30 seconds so I'll come back and mess with this thing later.